My Birthday - The Change

Today is my birthday.  Due to the aging process, I'm starting to feel a new sense of maturity about myself.  It's been literally days since I laughed at a fart. I have survived 28 years so far on this planet and I’ve been posting on Muppets For Justice for 7 of them.  That’s one quarter of my entire life.  Granted, I only starting posting regularly 3 years ago when I finally found my voice (it’s always under the fridge isn’t it?), but even so, that’s a long time to have been blogging.

Not only that, I’ve posted over 400 times, written several guest blogs, recorded a short podcast series, and put together a book.  I’ve put a lot of time into this whole Muppets For Justice thing, and I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had a modicum of success.  I’ve got a small, cult following, regular hits, and I’ve met some fantastic writers and bloggers through this whole thing, which is incredibly important to me. However, from small trees do mighty acorns grow (I think that’s right), so lately I’ve been trying to promote the blog more.

Recent efforts on that front have been pretty slow.  I’ve been trying to promote Muppets For Justice on Facebook and Twitter more regularly, but I don’t feel like the blog is growing much at the moment.  Things seem to have reached a plateau on that front. I’m not very good at putting myself out there and vying for that recognition.  I think it’s a mixture of apathy (since everyone’s trying to promote something), plus a lack of faith in my own abilities that are holding me back on this front.  I need to try harder.

However, I also think that there’s a distinct problem with the blog itself.  While Muppets For Justice is a unique name that I used to love, I think it’s also become a big burden hanging around my neck.  The casual observer probably sees this place as a Muppets fan site, especially since I have a picture of the cookie monster up there. I think Muppets For Justice is a confusing blog since the Muppets are an established brand and wildly popular in their own right.  To try and build a successful online presence off of the back of this was always going to be an uphill struggle.  It’s a bit like trying to start a robotics company called Skynet.  It’s also not very unique since this blog’s very existence probably breaks copyright law in some capacity.

I think that there’s also several layers of obfuscation here; there’s the Muppets For Justice blog, there’s my Internet handle Addman, my Twitter account Ollie The Pigeon, and whatever else I happen to be writing as that day.  None of these elements seem to tie together very well.  Since the advent of social media, it’s more acceptable to use your full name online. I think people feel a little disconnected from me as a writer when they see the name Addman and the puppet avatar, especially when coupled with my usual content. 

All of this is a convoluted way of saying that I’m thinking about making some changes.  I’m thinking of ditching the handle and using my real name (gasp!), tying all of my associated accounts together and, biggest of all, renaming Muppets For Justice.  I have a couple of new names in mind that don’t infringe on existing copyrights, which I’ll reveal later if everything goes ahead.

What do you folks think about this?  Would Muppets For Justice not be the same if it was called something else?

Please let me know your opinions.  I’m eager to change things up, but I don’t want to alienate the people who stop by regularly and I'm nervous about ruining everything I’ve built so far.  Any feedback you can give is valuable and will influence my decision tremendously.

Thank you for reading and I’m sorry it’s not as entertaining as usual.  Normal service shall resume next week.  This has to be the strangest birthday post ever.

The Probability Of Being Different

Do you ever feel like you’re totally alone in the world? Do you feel like no one quite understands or feels the way you do? Do you believe that you are completely unique in your thoughts, opinions and feelings? If so, congratulations, you special little, talented, trend setting individual, you.

Understandably, it is quite difficult to accept just how mundane and unimportant our lives sometimes are. When you work as a coat stand in an office day in, day out, then go home and watch “inspirational” celebrities buying caviar-covered cars with little to no discernable talent, it can be quite easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we’re destined for greater things. After all, if a Kardashian can be famous, surely we all can make it too, right?

Consumerism tries to make us feel special at every turn. If you buy this product, people will be jealous of you. If you take out this insurance scheme, we’ll strive to personalise our policy, just for you. This new gadget has been designed solely around you as a unique customer, and can be can be customised to your specific tastes. If you don’t like the camera angle on the Tennis right now, press the Red button to view it from a different angle, or perhaps watch the ball boy scratch his arse instead. Press the Yellow button to squirt him with water if he doesn’t fetch the ball fast enough. Yeah, that’s right, ball bitch! Don’t make me press the Blue button, for god’s sake!

As a result, we all walk around in our little bubbles feeling cosseted and special, just like the other 7 billion people on the planet. Obviously, this excludes people who live on dung heaps.

What I’m trying to say is, your thoughts and opinions, in all statistical probability, have already been thought of before. Every hilarious joke you’ve come up with has, more than likely, been said a thousand times. As I’m typing this now, I hold no illusions that no one else has ever thought of this before, and then typed a Blog post about it. I feel as though I’m plagiarising someone who I’ve never met, nor am I even aware of their work!

Try telling that to teenagers though. Teens are the worst group for this type of thinking. This is probably down to their protected childhoods, leading them into an insular, hormonal brain maze of frustration and angst. But since we’re not here to examine the social issues around this, I’ll just settle for calling them idiots instead.

A unique person makes a valid point

So if I am ever to breach any copyright laws in the future, my defence is already sorted. Chances are that any and every word, concept, and penis joke on here has been duplicated somewhere else. It’s like an infinite forest, at some point you’ll find the same formation of trees even amongst the random chaos of tree growth. That’s rather humbling isn’t it?

In conclusion, there’s no point trying to carve out a niche. Next week, I’m going to save brain energy and write about the deal with airline food.

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On another note (a C major, if you're interested), the wonderful, talented, and infanticidal Lily from Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose has given me an award.  The award is for being Creative, which is humbly taken by myself and displayed proudly:

Beautiful.  As with anything, there are some conditions:

1.  Link back to the person who gave you this award.
2.  Share 10 random facts about yourself.
3.  Pass the award onto 6 other people.
4.  Follow the person's Blog who sent it to you.

As the post is already too long, I won't be sharing any facts today.  Below are some people who I would like to award for being "Kreativ":

1.  A Beer For The Shower - Always great illustrations, and always hilarious.  Always!
2.  HILL BLOCKS VIEW - Flip is a great Blogger with a wonderful comedic perspective.
3.  How To Hate Everything - This lady doesn't post often, but when she does, you better hold on tight.  Utterly hateful poetry.
4.  Pickleope - The unholy union betwixt a pickle and an antelope, which is already enough reason to visit!
5.  The Beserk Herc - Bersercules can draw, write, and point out the flaws in religious propaganda videos like no one else out there.
6.  Thoughtless Gibberish - Bumferry Hogart!  The guy is called Bumferry Hogart!  If you're not already impressed, I don't know what's wrong with you.

So yeah, thanks Lily, and thanks everyone else for a great laugh.

Phone Hacking: The Public's Verdict

With the recent phone hacking scandal starting to die down, we at Muppets For Justice decided to be incredibly behind the times and ask members of the public their thoughts on this matter. That's provided they can remember what we're talking about. For those who need a reminder, read this. Once you've read that, read the words below. And once you've finished those words, you might want to go and read an interesting book or something while I write some more:




Gemma Driveway - Dog Walker




These newspaper journalists have got some nerve to be hacking people's phones like that. I'd be traumatised if they hacked my phone and heard me slagging off my friend Jane and her fat ankles and annoying kids. What a fucking bitch! Anyway, I'm glad they've been caught so that we can gossip behind people's backs without fear of being found out.




Alaister Pidgeon - Lion Man





Good riddance to the News Of The World, and hopefully the rest of News International. Since I found out that I can get tits and uninformed opinions off of the Internet for free, there was no longer any room for a 30p newspaper. The fact is, those rags are so far behind the times they might as well be etched onto a Furby. It's about time someone put a boot up the arse of the Murdoch empire, who I didn't care about until I heard what a monopoly they held. What a disgrace!



Barry Shogun - Velodrome Maintainer




The worst part about the closure of News Of The World is the amount of people who are going to be laid off. That means a lot of journalists will be competing for jobs out there, and since I run a small column in my college campus newspaper, my part time job is now under threat. As a result, I shall be locking the door of my office and firing staples at anyone who is holding a notepad, camera, or wears a pork pie hat.




Stuart Pourer - Soup Kitchen Reviewer




I can't believe that these celebrities have the nerve to take a job like acting, singing, politic-ing, or shagging around, then tell us that we can't listen to their conversations or rummage through their bins for pregnancy tests. Hello! If you don't want the attention, then don't take the job, jerk! Someone ought to show these celebrities that they aren't immune from the public eye, and that's why I suggest that we all stand outside Sienna Miller's flat and silently stare through her windows all day and night. We need to send a message like this! Also, shotgun on peering into bathroom!



Nicole Papa - Cactus




It's such a shame that the press won't be tapping into the phones of tragedy victims any more. I had an idea for a pay-per-listen answerphone service, where I'd leave voice messages ready to be intercepted, but I'd change the PIN number every day and sell it to The Sun for a premium. This would be an entrepreneurial venture, but it would require someone to actually steal my child in the first place so I don't end up like Karen Mathews. But hey, I could advertise for someone to swipe her on Craigslist.



Brian Herbie-White - General Serviceman




Hey, thanks a lot Britain! Now that your media has gone to shit, our Wall Street Journal has done nothing but report on it. I'm sick and tired of hearing about some fog-guzzling limey bastard who got a bit upset that someone listened in on them. Here's the news people, the government are watching you at all times anyway, so who cares if some journalist does the same? Oh and, Hugh Grant, get the fuck out of the way! No one cares about you since the 90's dude.




Alison Packard - Child Wrangler




I'm a busy woman who juggles a high powered career and two children, so obviously I know a lot about this. A child went missing in my son's class recently, and the press were all over the school like fish on stilts...I'm no good with similes. Anyway, they were putting up missing child posters all over the town and on milk cartons, and full page adverts in the paper. It's disgraceful! Rather than advertising such a tragic event, they should be trying to do something about it!




Marissa Duracell - Fisherman's friend




I work in the media myself, and this whole scandal has got my bosses worked up into a frenzy. They have nothing to worry about as they've never hacked anyone's phone. The worst they've done is bugged celebrities homes, put a camera in Graham Norton's toilet, and killed off all the Royal Family's guards and replaced them with paid informants. So, nothing too bad. Besides, I thought it was common knowledge that phone hacking was so prolific in the press? If not, then I probably shouldn't mention our tendency to pay off BT engineers to bug phones and record conversations. But what you don't know can't hurt you, until everyone else knows. Peace.

Natural Disasters: The Public's Verdict

Floods, droughts, earthquakes, monsoons, tornadoes, fires and parsnips are just a small selection of the terrifying gifts given to us by mother nature. It seems to be increasingly common for her to throw a curveball into a community that is only just etching an existence in some barren, desolate corner of the globe by trying to drown them in the one thing they crave. But what exactly is the cause of this evil ecological meltdown? As usual, we at Muppets For Justice were too lazy to speculate, so we asked you, the public, instead! Here's a handful of the people on the planet who weren't too preoccupied with rebuilding their shattered homes due to some landslide or other, and their thoughts on extreme weather:



Gemma Driveway - Amateur Film Producer



Notice how all the bad things happen in hot places? Australia, Pakistan, Haiti and Brazil are all situated in warmer climes, so it stands to reason that the best weather is to be found in the Arctic Circle. I am in the process of packing my belongings and you'll find me and my family shuffling along an ice sheet way before Ecogheddon comes calling. I just hope there's a Tesco Metro there.



Alaister Pigeon - Barbecue Salesman




I'm so outraged that the world's governments are not doing enough to contribute to Global Warming. Mother Nature started this arms race, and now she wants to throw in the towel because she's getting a bit hot under the collar? She threw a massive blizzard at Britain a few weeks ago, which is all the ammo we really need to put up a defensive heat shield around our country and take the fight right to that motherbitch! As soon as I saw the snow, I ran outside and started spraying aerosol cans up at the ozone layer. She'll never take me alive!



Barry Shogun - Olympic Cyclist Checker



Our society needs to learn how to live greener and in harmony with nature. Our relentless destruction is causing a mass extinction on a grander scale than anything that has occurred in history, and as a result, the populations of some of the world's most iconic animals are at risk. I mean, when is the last time you saw a Centaur? Exactly! And as for unicorns, well, they've just become another statistic of creatures that are no longer able to walk the Earth.



Stuart Pourer - Beer Tester




Ooooh you poor souls, did the bad weather make you all sweaty?! Here's a newsflash son, the weather isn't getting worse, it's just that you're becoming a massive, skating nancy with arms like tagliatelle. Don't be such a pussy! Man up and shovel that 50 tonnes of dense mud away from your home's foundations, and maybe we'll talk again once your biceps come back from rehab. Honestly, I put all this whining down to modern technology, what with everyone sitting indoors on Flutter and Headbook. No one is used to the outside world any more. If this continues we'll all have the complexion of an albino running naked through a flour mill, and we'll be about as sexually attractive too.



Nicole Papa - Managing Directing Executive Operative



I heard something about rising radiation levels that were causing frogs to mutate and they were growing eyes in their throats. Can you image if that starting happening to our children? My dream of a travelling freak show would finally come to fruition! "Roll up! Come see the boy who can watch his own dinner digest"!



Brian Herbie-White - Senior Seat Dampener



Hey, I don't like dirty hippies telling me how to live my life. I'm a good guy, I go to church, I earn an honest crust, so back off, OK?! If I want to drive a gallon-a-mile freshly waxed SUV past homeless shelters, charity workers and battered women's institutions so that I can sit in a building every Sunday and listen to a guy tell me how to be more like Jesus, then that's my right as an American! I pay my taxes so I don't see any reason why I can't drive what I like and consume whatever I want. Until the day that a golden eagle shits maple syrup onto my pancakes and bacon, I don't give a shit what nature has to offer. God will protect me anyway, so I'm covered whatever happens.



Alison Packard - Paraplegic Baiter




I'm a busy woman who juggles a high-powered career and two children, so I never really gave the whole environment thing much thought. When you have so much on with being a woman and owning kids and a Blackberry that might go off at any minute, you don't tend to have time to think about the way in which you live and how it affects the planet as a whole. Besides, I'm late for Jonnie's football practice. He's so clever when it comes to kicking that ball. He can make it go anywhere he likes. And as for Janine, my little princess, I need to take her shopping so that she can get some glittery lipstick for her graduation from Infants school to Junior school.

What? Was it tested on animals? I don't know, but I'd like to find out. I guess the best way would be to try it on ugly animals first so that you know it works.




Marissa Duracell - Fisherman's Friend



I've filmed several documentaries on this subject and I can tell you, the results are quite harrowing. I don't think people take global warming seriously enough. What would you say if your home town became as hot as Ibiza? You'd be pretty pissed when shirtless Eskimos started coming over for the clubbing scene of Basingstoke, drinking warm seal blood and spending their hard-scraped grit on useless tat. What would you do if an indigenous Greenlander came over and asked you for directions in his own language? This is the reality we face unless we do something about it now!

War In The Middle East: The Public's Verdict

The most unpopular war in recent history ended earlier this year with an almost complete withdrawal of our troops, however, the world is still seeing the after effects of our bumbling Iraq campaign. The public were angry at the time, but even now we still hear about prisoner abuse or see the echoes of that war in the likes of Afghanistan. Since it's current affairs and all, we took to the streets to ask the public about their feelings when it comes to shelling the shit out of the Middle East.




Gemma Driveway - Toffee Packer




I dislike war, but I think it is necessary when it comes to our safety and security. I have two children and I can't help but be frightened when my little treasures go out to play that a plane will land on them or that some sick bastard is going to touch them up before he blows them up in some sort of crazed, paedophillic suicide bomb attack. These are the daily dangers we face, even in rural Derbyshire where we are. First it was the Tube in London, but you never know when the daily number 86 to Bakewell is going to explode and leave you with a three mile walk.




Alaister Pidgeon - Senior Associate Vice Corperate CEO Executive





War? Huh! What is it good for? Fuelling science and progress that's what! Bet you didn't know that did you? The fact is, a good war always gets creative minds focussed on solutions on how to kill as many of the other side as you can, and keep your own safe from harm. The atom bomb is the prime example, but other advances in medicine and technology are all down to war. Hell, even your home computer was invented to crack spy codes and send encrypted data around. Your microwave was intended to be put into a handheld firearm in order to melt some Commies from the inside out. I bet vacuum cleaners were intended to be inserted up a German's rear passage and suck out his organs, and you use it to clean your carpets! I dread to think how many people have had to die so that you can put silly apps on your iPhone, but it's all for the greater good I say.



Barry Shogun - Secret Lemonade Drinker




Our troops have done terrible things out there in Iraq. Two of our soldiers stand accused of raping a sixteen year old boy, and there are countless cases of prisoners being chained to radiators and forced to wear bags on their heads. This kind of thing is only acceptable in brothels! Get our troops out!




Stuart Pourer - Travelling Gypsy




I think the war in Afghanistan is absolutely pointless. I mean, what are we getting out of it? There's nothing there but mountains and mountains of sand. Why can't our troops do something useful like bring back some young Taiwanese children who know how to work, or nip off and fetch us some Turkish Delight? You can't have wars without rewards, otherwise you end up running round in caves shooting at beards.



Nicole Papa - Pub Landlady




I heard that there have been over 200 British troop deaths in Afghanistan since 2001. I don't know a lot about war, but surely that's like half of our armed forces! That's got to be more than were killed in World War 1 and 2 combined! We need more helicopters out there! If terrorists are aiming at helicopters rather than our troops, it means less people will get killed! I hope you're listening Brown!



Brian Herbie-White - Fire Engine




You Brits don't honour your armed forces, that's your problem. Over here we have Veteran's Day, Remembrance Day, Dead Soldiers Day, and Wrap A Corpse In A Flag Day. We know how to cherish our servicemen with large pensions for war veterans, except ones who fought in crap wars like Vietnam. Besides, your army does nothing but get in our way, you crazy limeys.




Alison Packard - Infant Tamer




I'm a busy woman who juggles a high powered career and two children, so obviously I know a lot about this. My son is currently on the front line slogging his guts out so that you don't get terrorised by terrifying terrorists. I just hope it's him who finally catches Osama Bin Laden, a man who looks like he is slowly emerging from a sheep's arsehole. I have absolutely zero time for that man and I have to turn the TV off whenever he appears, even if it's a special news report in the middle of Neighbours. And what was with that guy who had hooks for hands? Did he get them shot off? I wish my son had done that to him, but he has an important job servicing IT equipment on the bases. FRONT LINE IT support might I add!




Marissa Duracell - Sex Aid Tester




I once did a bit of freelance film work in Iran and let me tell you, it's a horrible country. There's virtually no network coverage and you can't get Freeview channels at all! Still, at least everyone in Tehran has been having a constant 6 month long party in the capital. I've never seen anyone party like those Iranians, all swarming around government structures shouting, singing, and throwing things in air like they just don't care. Many of them bring placards which I can't read, but I'd guess they say "Party on dudes", since they seem like such an affable bunch. I guess they need to party since the telly is rubbish and they don't have fast broadband speeds.

Big Brother: The Public's Verdict

You're probably already aware that the UK version of Big Brother has recently been cancelled following the final series coming next year. A programme of this magnitude will always cause divisions amongst British folk as organised society can never agree on anything. However, in order to get a feel for the people's thoughts on this news, Muppets For Justice hit the streets to talk to regular people with regular opinions, regular incomes, regular bowel movements, and regular pub regulars about Big Brother. Here's a small sample of the people we interviewed:



Gemma Driveway - Traffic Warden



Big Brother was always there for me when my kids left home and my bastard husband ran off to Haiti with the family dog. It was the one constant in my life. I don't think I'll be able to cope without my little friends in the screen anymore, such as Dogface, that woman who had sex with a wine bottle, and that guy. You know, that guy who did the thing. I always feel like these type of people are my friends because I get to know them so well during the summer, until next year when they shovel a whole new bunch into the house and we forget the ones from last time.



Alaister Pigeon - Data Protection Activist




I, for one, will be glad to be rid of this horrible show. At first I was fascinated by it, I used to watch it all night while in bed. But then I discovered Internet porn and realised I could watch that at 2AM, and I'd actually be able to see some boobs. Big Brother has no use in modern society any more, just like if they were to bring back Ibiza Uncovered.



Barry Shogun - Tesla Coil Operative



This could be good news, could be bad. Depends what they put on next. I mean, Channel 4 had a really edgy show here for a while, so they need to come up with something equally edgy to get the attention of young people, like me. I suggest that we have a reality show where celebrities are put in a concentration camp in the desert and are forced to eat parasites out of each other's hair. The public can vote for who has the most stylish pubic hair, and the winner is the one who can successfully burrow out on the final week.



Stuart Pourer - Senior Bed Taster




This tripe offends my sensibilities. I would love to track down the people responsible for this show, tie them up, kick them down the street while laughing and pointing at them until we reach the car wash, where I'll kick them inside and set it going on the longest wash available. Then I'll shoot them in the shins and poke cockroaches through the holes in their kneecaps, and do a big wee on them while I drink a beer. Then, I'll make them eat mud from a ditch and push berries up their nostrils until they can't breathe while I record the incident and send it to their children. Afterwards, I'll shave off their hair and take them to hospital and trick the nurses into thinking that they are chemotherapy patients, and watch them as they go through weeks and weeks of soul crushing torment due to radiation. That'll teach them to make a show that is offensive. I might also do this to Russell Brand.



Nicole Papa - Executive Welfare Claimant



It's been cancelled?! Crap! My little Shaneesha was looking forward to going on that show when she was old enough! Endemol have shattered my 6 year old's dreams! I think I can sue them by law for that!



Brian Herbie-White - Fire Extinguisher



We cancelled this show years ago here in the States. You Limeys are so far behind I can't even keep up. We even had terror attacks years before you. How's that Hollywood blockbuster you're all watching that we've had for five years? Yeah, well wait until you get this sweet-ass computer game that I'm playing right now. You'll only have to wait until the next ice age. Hahahaha, you crazy bastards.



Alison Packard - Windsurfer




I'm a busy woman who juggles a high-powered career and two children, so I never really had the time to keep up with Big Brother in the last few series. It all went downhill after that Dermont O' Leer guy left though. I enjoyed his youthful exuberance and his shaved head that looked like sandpaper wrapped around a football. Also, he used to stand on the furniature. I always had to remind my kids not to do that, but I don't think his own mother ever gave him that advice. Poor guy. I'd adopt him into my little family and teach him things like that. He'd get on very well with my son, Bradton.




Marissa Duracell - Television Evangelist



Working in the business myself, I can safely say that shows like Big Brother are sloppiest shows a network can put out. They are full of pre-planned events and setups designed to look like spontaneous live moments of comedy or entertainment. That said, I can't get enough! It's my dirty little habit I'm afraid. It's more shameful than the time I pooed on a futon because I was too lazy to go to the toilet. Oh how liberating this feels! I love Big Brother! I hope some other station picks it up soon! There's only so much Philip Schofield I can stand!



Stuart Pourer - Senior Bed Taster




And another thing, I'd prank call of their mothers and send pizzas round to their houses topped with the missing hair of their children. Then I'd kidnap their hamsters and launch them into space! I could do these all day.