Friday, 28 August 2009

Big Brother: The Public's Verdict

You're probably already aware that the UK version of Big Brother has recently been cancelled following the final series coming next year. A programme of this magnitude will always cause divisions amongst British folk as organised society can never agree on anything. However, in order to get a feel for the people's thoughts on this news, Muppets For Justice hit the streets to talk to regular people with regular opinions, regular incomes, regular bowel movements, and regular pub regulars about Big Brother. Here's a small sample of the people we interviewed:

Gemma Driveway - Traffic Warden

Big Brother was always there for me when my kids left home and my bastard husband ran off to Haiti with the family dog. It was the one constant in my life. I don't think I'll be able to cope without my little friends in the screen anymore, such as Dogface, that woman who had sex with a wine bottle, and that guy. You know, that guy who did the thing. I always feel like these type of people are my friends because I get to know them so well during the summer, until next year when they shovel a whole new bunch into the house and we forget the ones from last time.

Alaister Pigeon - Data Protection Activist

I, for one, will be glad to be rid of this horrible show. At first I was fascinated by it, I used to watch it all night while in bed. But then I discovered Internet porn and realised I could watch that at 2AM, and I'd actually be able to see some boobs. Big Brother has no use in modern society any more, just like if they were to bring back Ibiza Uncovered.

Barry Shogun - Tesla Coil Operative

This could be good news, could be bad. Depends what they put on next. I mean, Channel 4 had a really edgy show here for a while, so they need to come up with something equally edgy to get the attention of young people, like me. I suggest that we have a reality show where celebrities are put in a concentration camp in the desert and are forced to eat parasites out of each other's hair. The public can vote for who has the most stylish pubic hair, and the winner is the one who can successfully burrow out on the final week.

Stuart Pourer - Senior Bed Taster

This tripe offends my sensibilities. I would love to track down the people responsible for this show, tie them up, kick them down the street while laughing and pointing at them until we reach the car wash, where I'll kick them inside and set it going on the longest wash available. Then I'll shoot them in the shins and poke cockroaches through the holes in their kneecaps, and do a big wee on them while I drink a beer. Then, I'll make them eat mud from a ditch and push berries up their nostrils until they can't breathe while I record the incident and send it to their children. Afterwards, I'll shave off their hair and take them to hospital and trick the nurses into thinking that they are chemotherapy patients, and watch them as they go through weeks and weeks of soul crushing torment due to radiation. That'll teach them to make a show that is offensive. I might also do this to Russell Brand.

Nicole Papa - Executive Welfare Claimant

It's been cancelled?! Crap! My little Shaneesha was looking forward to going on that show when she was old enough! Endemol have shattered my 6 year old's dreams! I think I can sue them by law for that!

Brian Herbie-White - Fire Extinguisher

We cancelled this show years ago here in the States. You Limeys are so far behind I can't even keep up. We even had terror attacks years before you. How's that Hollywood blockbuster you're all watching that we've had for five years? Yeah, well wait until you get this sweet-ass computer game that I'm playing right now. You'll only have to wait until the next ice age. Hahahaha, you crazy bastards.

Alison Packard - Windsurfer

I'm a busy woman who juggles a high-powered career and two children, so I never really had the time to keep up with Big Brother in the last few series. It all went downhill after that Dermont O' Leer guy left though. I enjoyed his youthful exuberance and his shaved head that looked like sandpaper wrapped around a football. Also, he used to stand on the furniature. I always had to remind my kids not to do that, but I don't think his own mother ever gave him that advice. Poor guy. I'd adopt him into my little family and teach him things like that. He'd get on very well with my son, Bradton.

Marissa Duracell - Television Evangelist

Working in the business myself, I can safely say that shows like Big Brother are sloppiest shows a network can put out. They are full of pre-planned events and setups designed to look like spontaneous live moments of comedy or entertainment. That said, I can't get enough! It's my dirty little habit I'm afraid. It's more shameful than the time I pooed on a futon because I was too lazy to go to the toilet. Oh how liberating this feels! I love Big Brother! I hope some other station picks it up soon! There's only so much Philip Schofield I can stand!

Stuart Pourer - Senior Bed Taster

And another thing, I'd prank call of their mothers and send pizzas round to their houses topped with the missing hair of their children. Then I'd kidnap their hamsters and launch them into space! I could do these all day.

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