Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Declare This An Emergency

I doubt it will have escaped your attention that today is 09/09/09, a particular date which only comes around once every 100 years. "But hey! Doesn't every date only come around once every 100 years?" I hear you cry. Shut your ugly, stupid fat head and allow me to tell you why this date is so special.

09/09/09 marks the 100th anniversary of the British emergency services. Suddenly it all makes sense; why else would they choose 999 for the phone number rather than say 4873450991?

Oh yes, this conspiracy runs deep my friends. But luckily, this particular conspiracy benefits human kind because it gave us the life saving services that you all take for granted, including the police, ambulance, fire service, AA, and the service that allows you to choose the most vapid bint as the winner for Big Brother. I don't need to list the reasons why these services are essential to our society, but I will anyway. All of these services are here to protect, serve, and design sexy outfits for potential strippers.

In celebration of our fine servicemen and women who selflessly get paid to save our lives, and are covered by compensation should they have an accident in the line of duty, Muppets For Justice would like to extend a warm congratulations to these brave careerfolk. I'd like you all to ring 999 right now, just to say thanks to the wonderful people who are responsible for catching you if you happen to steal something, or who diagnose you with swine flu when you actually have pneumonia. Go on. I'm not going anywhere until you do.

And where would we be without the operator? That lovely lady always changes her voice whenever I ring up. I think she's trying to play hard to get. Also, when I use my best chat up lines and tell her that my loins are burning for her, she send the fire brigade round to my house. It's this kind of playful hostility that keeps a guy interested.

So, the next time you're ungratefully bleeding to death, not even paying any attention to the poor souls who are going to have to clean it up, please spare a thought for the emergency services. They will stitch you up in time for tea, so you can live the most reckless life possible without ever having to concern yourself with the inconveniences of an untimely death. If it weren't for those brave ambulance dwellers, do you really think we'd have seen the likes of Evil Knevil? He wouldn't have been so brave if he didn't have doctors on standby, that's for sure!

So to sum up, the emergency services are almost as brilliant as milk.

This post was commissioned by Jo Maraschino, so blame her if it sucks.

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