Thursday, 24 September 2009

Animal Magic

I've been watching a documentary series lately about how much Stephen Fry sweats. It's fascinating just how much water the man can produce, and running a squeegee over his forehead could probably resolve third world drought. Anyway, the programme is called Last Chance To See, and happens to feature some animals in the background too.

As a person who likes to see exotic and delicious animals on TV, I have been captivated by some of the rare creatures and facts that have been presented on this show. I lap this kind of stuff up like a snake laps up honey (oh yes, didn't know that did you?), so I thought I'd take a few moments of my time to present a few lesser known facts about animals.

  • The sea contains the largest creatures known to man, including the blue whale (108 ft), colossal squid (46 ft), and a salami dropped by Brian Blessed (126ft).
  • The myth that elephants never forget has been proved wrong by scientists when, under observation, the elephants failed to celebrate Christmas Day.
  • Pandas are difficult to breed in captivity because people keeping watching them all the time. It's difficult to perform when you have a thousand eyes staring at you.
  • Never take a dog to the cinema. They aren't entitled to discount.
  • The most dangerous animal in the world is so dangerous that no one has ever lived long enough to tell anyone else about it.
  • A giraffe cannot smell things that are behind it.
  • Koalas are pre evolved dogs.
  • Hermit crabs were named after a lady dropped her glove into a rock pool and the crab climbed into it.
  • The domestic cow is the only animal that will, if no other food is available, resort to eating Cheesestrings.
  • Certain birds in America have been spotted dropping hard shelled nuts onto tarmacked roads and pavements, splitting the nut open and revealing the tasty innards. Scientists postulate that the birds are staging a protest against the urbanisation of the greenbelt areas from which they originally resided.
  • A doormouse is not a mouse, it is a legume.
  • In 18th century France it was reported that frogs fell from the sky as rain. This has recently been proved to be false. It was pigs instead.
  • Owls can turn their heads so far around that they can see the future. The government is trying to harness the power of owls to predict future events.
  • In Wimbledon, the holy animal of worship is considered to be the Womble.
  • Budgies will turn into parrots if they level up enough.
  • When male polar bears meet females with cubs, there is a chance that the male will try and kill the cubs before he mates with her. This is either to ensure the dominance of his own genes, or if he finds the children to be particularly ugly.
  • A cow can walk upstairs but not down, whereas a goat can walk downstairs but not up. Fans of bestiality are trying to breed the two species together and produce a new line of Coats.
  • Lions are the only cats in the world that are big.
  • Ducks have the longest penis in the animal kingdom. These are usually over twice the length of the duck itself. This is due to the female ducks which have cavernous, maze-like vaginas which the male has to traverse. This adaption is to sort the men from the boys (actually, this one is kind of true).
  • Komodo dragons cannot breath fire. Even after a particularly spicy curry.
  • There is no such thing as dolphin friendly tuna. Tuna hate dolphins and will battle them to the death.
  • Primates are not the nearest living relatives to man. The closest relatives are usually brothers and/or sisters.
  • Shetland ponies do not have souls.
I hope you enjoyed these facts and that you have imprinted them on your mind for the next pub quiz you attend.

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