Monday, 17 August 2009

Your Whims And Desires

I knew I was opening myself up for a world of abuse when I asked other people to choose their own content. One person was kind enough to offer up two equally embarrassing subjects. Anyway, a promise is a promise; this is what you'd like to see me write about:

Tony Mortimer
write about your love of other mens penises

Marvellous. I love other men's penises very much. Penises are the anatomical equivalent of Mickey Rourke; ugly as sin, but very good at what they do. A penis may look like the kind of tawdry item that would flop over the side of a deck in a maritime sea captain's nightmare, but they play a crucial role in society. I don't think I need to explain what the role is.

I think it's time that the penis had a redesign though. Perhaps we could get Steve Jobs to create something a little more ergonomic and flashy; maybe something with handgrips and a wipe clean sheen. Currently, even girls wince at the average cock, that's why you don't see male models with their pocket rockets out in women's magazines. Generally, the groin is covered up in favour of chests and bums whilst they awkwardly cup or cover themselves like hunks of beef left in an abattoir. Until we can create genitals that don't resemble something that coalesces behind your furniture that needs to be tackled with a duster, I don't think that women will ever fully be able to accept us.

Vicki Burke
Why women go the shop in pj's. Fucking gets on my tits!

In my experience, women have a natural affinity for pyjamas. In the same way that a lion is not a lion without his mane, a woman is not a woman without 100+ items of nightwear. It's not only bananas who are the growing consumer market for pyjamas, females have joined the fray and are determined to spend any hour in the house when guests are not invited, pyjama-clad.

I guess the obvious answer is that these women were sat at home wanting to be comfy in loose pyjamas since they didn't plan on going anywhere, then decided they needed a pint of milk for their hot chocolate. The funny answer would be that they are jobless, worthless bints who lounge around all day waiting for their dole money, and only venture out of their houses in order to annoy you.

Colin Tee
ok I want a note on the topic of the encroachement of city centers into forestland and natural habitats. This should be constructed with the pros and cons for deforestation and relocating of wildlife. Please include a medium length rap in the middle of it on the same subject. And for gods sakes make it funny....

As a naturist myself, I find myself very in touch with the environment and the world around me. However, as a person who enjoys the general slobbery that modern living brings,
I find myself surrounded by moral choices. If I buy a chocolate bar, there's probably 50 starving people who put their sweat and tears into that dainty bar, and that contradicts my strict "No consuming bodily fluids" policy. If I buy a wooden chair, the tree used to make it probably housed 15 badgers, a gaggle of geese, and a 1 of a kind undocumented rare bird that I've single handedly just made extinct.

Naturally, city centre expansion will only destroy more and more land, trees, and animals. We owe it to ourselves and future generations to find a way of coexisting with other species and using the space we have wisely. I know you wanted me to discuss the pros and cons, but there are no cons to being an eco friendly society that I can see. Anyway, here's a rap.

In the urban jungle amongst all of the cement,
You lose sight of what you're doing to the environment,
All you motherfuckers, I'll give you a warning,
Yo ass better not contribute to global warming,
I'm pouring scorning over those who ain't gonna recycle,
I'll ride by yo ass for free on my bi-cycle,
Cos I don't drive a car, you know I'm advocatin',
Public transport all across the nation,
Keep yo carbon footprint clean, low emissions,
Or else yo ain't gonna get as much respect as even Peter Sissons.

Barry Hogan
I refuse to co-operate with this.

Oh yeah? Well I've just published your name and contribution. How does that feel, huh? HUH!? You know that stinging sensation when you pee? That's me posting your cooperative response.

Please don't kill me.

Tony Mortimer
wanking on the bus is the best thing ever.

Wanking is probably high up there on the list of best things ever, and this is before the inclusion of a ten tonne transport machine. Although I'm a stranger to the danger wank, I can see the appeal, and I'm happy that we could use this public place as a forum to advocate your favourite past time.

Angie Landon

Could you please write about one of the following:

wiener dogs
old people...
Paul Bernardo
your most embarrassing moment

Funny you should say that, but my podcast of old people and their weiner dogs was my most embarrassing moment when Paul Bernardo recycled it and sent it to you. I don't think I'll ever get over that...

Tony Mortimer
local dj's being cunts
iphone owners being cunts
People with the initials DS being cunts

Well, in my opinion, iPhones and DJs are...Oh, hold on, incoming...

Angie Landon
You're a bad man, Tony Mortimer. Write about Tony being a bad man.

Tony, are you using this as an excuse to start an Internet argument? I refuse to take part in this insidious scheme to insult a fellow human being over the world wide web. God, you're worse than an iPhone owning DJ...

Chad Ribble
Penny Auctions... search online to find out about this BS.
The stupidity of black people listening to rap music ( which refers to them as 'the n word') after having their ancestors fight for years NOT to be referred to as such.

I googled Penny Auctions, and from what I can tell, it looks like the Internet's answer to those live auctions where they pretend to sell a load of electronics goods for £10. I couldn't be bothered to dig deeper.

As for the big N, you can't go more than two clicks on the Internet without someone dropping the N bomb (especially YouTube video comments). Frankly, I think black people can call themselves what they want as long as I can have a pop at Honkeys and Crackas. I don't know what it is about those words that makes me laugh, but I love to refer to white people as Honkeys and Crackas. They sound like names for youth ice hockey teams, or pro wrestling cliques. "And now, we have The Honkeys vs The Crackas. Llllllllet's get rrready to rumblllllllllle!". Heh heh heh...

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