Friday, 14 January 2011

Natural Disasters: The Public's Verdict

Floods, droughts, earthquakes, monsoons, tornadoes, fires and parsnips are just a small selection of the terrifying gifts given to us by mother nature. It seems to be increasingly common for her to throw a curveball into a community that is only just etching an existence in some barren, desolate corner of the globe by trying to drown them in the one thing they crave. But what exactly is the cause of this evil ecological meltdown? As usual, we at Muppets For Justice were too lazy to speculate, so we asked you, the public, instead! Here's a handful of the people on the planet who weren't too preoccupied with rebuilding their shattered homes due to some landslide or other, and their thoughts on extreme weather:

Gemma Driveway - Amateur Film Producer

Notice how all the bad things happen in hot places? Australia, Pakistan, Haiti and Brazil are all situated in warmer climes, so it stands to reason that the best weather is to be found in the Arctic Circle. I am in the process of packing my belongings and you'll find me and my family shuffling along an ice sheet way before Ecogheddon comes calling. I just hope there's a Tesco Metro there.

Alaister Pigeon - Barbecue Salesman

I'm so outraged that the world's governments are not doing enough to contribute to Global Warming. Mother Nature started this arms race, and now she wants to throw in the towel because she's getting a bit hot under the collar? She threw a massive blizzard at Britain a few weeks ago, which is all the ammo we really need to put up a defensive heat shield around our country and take the fight right to that motherbitch! As soon as I saw the snow, I ran outside and started spraying aerosol cans up at the ozone layer. She'll never take me alive!

Barry Shogun - Olympic Cyclist Checker

Our society needs to learn how to live greener and in harmony with nature. Our relentless destruction is causing a mass extinction on a grander scale than anything that has occurred in history, and as a result, the populations of some of the world's most iconic animals are at risk. I mean, when is the last time you saw a Centaur? Exactly! And as for unicorns, well, they've just become another statistic of creatures that are no longer able to walk the Earth.

Stuart Pourer - Beer Tester

Ooooh you poor souls, did the bad weather make you all sweaty?! Here's a newsflash son, the weather isn't getting worse, it's just that you're becoming a massive, skating nancy with arms like tagliatelle. Don't be such a pussy! Man up and shovel that 50 tonnes of dense mud away from your home's foundations, and maybe we'll talk again once your biceps come back from rehab. Honestly, I put all this whining down to modern technology, what with everyone sitting indoors on Flutter and Headbook. No one is used to the outside world any more. If this continues we'll all have the complexion of an albino running naked through a flour mill, and we'll be about as sexually attractive too.

Nicole Papa - Managing Directing Executive Operative

I heard something about rising radiation levels that were causing frogs to mutate and they were growing eyes in their throats. Can you image if that starting happening to our children? My dream of a travelling freak show would finally come to fruition! "Roll up! Come see the boy who can watch his own dinner digest"!

Brian Herbie-White - Senior Seat Dampener

Hey, I don't like dirty hippies telling me how to live my life. I'm a good guy, I go to church, I earn an honest crust, so back off, OK?! If I want to drive a gallon-a-mile freshly waxed SUV past homeless shelters, charity workers and battered women's institutions so that I can sit in a building every Sunday and listen to a guy tell me how to be more like Jesus, then that's my right as an American! I pay my taxes so I don't see any reason why I can't drive what I like and consume whatever I want. Until the day that a golden eagle shits maple syrup onto my pancakes and bacon, I don't give a shit what nature has to offer. God will protect me anyway, so I'm covered whatever happens.

Alison Packard - Paraplegic Baiter

I'm a busy woman who juggles a high-powered career and two children, so I never really gave the whole environment thing much thought. When you have so much on with being a woman and owning kids and a Blackberry that might go off at any minute, you don't tend to have time to think about the way in which you live and how it affects the planet as a whole. Besides, I'm late for Jonnie's football practice. He's so clever when it comes to kicking that ball. He can make it go anywhere he likes. And as for Janine, my little princess, I need to take her shopping so that she can get some glittery lipstick for her graduation from Infants school to Junior school.

What? Was it tested on animals? I don't know, but I'd like to find out. I guess the best way would be to try it on ugly animals first so that you know it works.

Marissa Duracell - Fisherman's Friend

I've filmed several documentaries on this subject and I can tell you, the results are quite harrowing. I don't think people take global warming seriously enough. What would you say if your home town became as hot as Ibiza? You'd be pretty pissed when shirtless Eskimos started coming over for the clubbing scene of Basingstoke, drinking warm seal blood and spending their hard-scraped grit on useless tat. What would you do if an indigenous Greenlander came over and asked you for directions in his own language? This is the reality we face unless we do something about it now!


  1. Do I know Marissa Duracell? :D

  2. Any likeness to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental yadda yadda yadda, honest!


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