If you are reading this, chances are that you are a writer and have your own Blog. As people who write, we all struggle with that terrible affliction known as writer’s block. Sometimes our creative colon gets bunged up with ideas that we have no idea how to express, or sometimes we find ourselves artistically douched. How do you tackle this problem?
In fact, this is one of the questions I get asked most frequently. That and “Do you deny the allegations against you?” Since I stick to a strict schedule and always update twice weekly, this is an understandable question. I thought it might be useful to share some of my writing tips with you in the hope that you too can moisten your creative dry spells.
Step 1: Recycle. Surely there’s a joke or two that you can pluck out again and repurpose. Why not revisit an old article and put a new spin on it? No one will notice if I do another agony uncle post, will they? When that deadline’s approaching you should throw away that artistic integrity faster than Usain Bolt on laxatives. Don’t be afraid to retread old ground, as trodden ground is often landmine-free.
Step 2: Approach the page in new and different ways. I occasionally like to crabwalk towards the keyboard in the hopes that inspiration will strike. At other times, a backwards roll towards the PC has resulted in the epiphany I need to finally finish a top ten list of favourite farts. Alternatively, I like to pretend I’m a prisoner with no access to a pen, so I write my posts in blood. Sadly enough, my boss doesn’t like it when I smear blood all over my work monitor, but he’s just trying to stifle my creative vision!
Step 3: Ignore the white space. The white space on a page can be your most daunting critic. It mercilessly mocks you for your inability to fill it properly, to satisfy it fully, and chastises you over your pathetic ineptitude. This is why you should use coloured paper, or mess with the colour balance on your monitor to turn it to a nice shade of inspirational lilac. Prolonged exposure may burn your retinas out, so be careful with this technique.
Step 4: Two part posts! If you can just stretch that word count a little further, you can almost justify a two-parter. That’ll keep the punters at bay for another day.
Step 5: Avoid insanity. Whilst you sit in front of your screen watching the font cursor dutifully blink at you with alarming repetition, it is surprisingly simple to slip into lunacy. This happened to me once. I started to envy that blinking cursor. He had a constant task; to blink on and off at regular intervals. He is good at his job, whereas I can’t string two measly words together! I spent the rest of the afternoon timing that cursor’s blinks with a stopwatch, checking that his sequence was completely and unrelentingly correct. I swear that once it blinked twice in a beat rather than once, and I will still believe that no matter how many times Microsoft tell me to stop reporting the issue! But, er, yeah don’t do that.
Step 6: If all else fails, plagiarise! P.S. thank you guys for being creative enough to keep me afloat for the past year. If your ideas haven’t appeared here so far, rest assured that I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.
Feel free to use these tips to your advantage. Once you’ve successfully penned your novel/film script/magnum opus and become instantly and gloriously rich, remember your old pal Addman and the advice he gave you. Remember to raise a glass in his honour and think to yourself, things weren’t too bad when I had to slum it on Blogger with the likes of him. Also, send him a cheque for 10% of your earnings. Make it payable to “Agnes McHugeboobs”, just don’t ask questions.