Friday 26 October 2012

How To Tackle Writer’s Block


If you are reading this, chances are that you are a writer and have your own Blog.  As people who write, we all struggle with that terrible affliction known as writer’s block.  Sometimes our creative colon gets bunged up with ideas that we have no idea how to express, or sometimes we find ourselves artistically douched.  How do you tackle this problem?

In fact, this is one of the questions I get asked most frequently.  That and “Do you deny the allegations against you?”  Since I stick to a strict schedule and always update twice weekly, this is an understandable question.  I thought it might be useful to share some of my writing tips with you in the hope that you too can moisten your creative dry spells.

Step 1:  Recycle.  Surely there’s a joke or two that you can pluck out again and repurpose.  Why not revisit an old article and put a new spin on it?  No one will notice if I do another agony uncle post, will they?  When that deadline’s approaching you should throw away that artistic integrity faster than Usain Bolt on laxatives.  Don’t be afraid to retread old ground, as trodden ground is often landmine-free.

Step 2:  Approach the page in new and different ways.  I occasionally like to crabwalk towards the keyboard in the hopes that inspiration will strike.  At other times, a backwards roll towards the PC has resulted in the epiphany I need to finally finish a top ten list of favourite farts.  Alternatively, I like to pretend I’m a prisoner with no access to a pen, so I write my posts in blood.  Sadly enough, my boss doesn’t like it when I smear blood all over my work monitor, but he’s just trying to stifle my creative vision!



Step 3:  Ignore the white space.  The white space on a page can be your most daunting critic.  It mercilessly mocks you for your inability to fill it properly, to satisfy it fully, and chastises you over your pathetic ineptitude.  This is why you should use coloured paper, or mess with the colour balance on your monitor to turn it to a nice shade of inspirational lilac.  Prolonged exposure may burn your retinas out, so be careful with this technique.

Step 4:  Two part posts!  If you can just stretch that word count a little further, you can almost justify a two-parter.  That’ll keep the punters at bay for another day.

Step 5:  Avoid insanity.  Whilst you sit in front of your screen watching the font cursor dutifully blink at you with alarming repetition, it is surprisingly simple to slip into lunacy.  This happened to me once.  I started to envy that blinking cursor.  He had a constant task; to blink on and off at regular intervals.  He is good at his job, whereas I can’t string two measly words together!  I spent the rest of the afternoon timing that cursor’s blinks with a stopwatch, checking that his sequence was completely and unrelentingly correct.  I swear that once it blinked twice in a beat rather than once, and I will still believe that no matter how many times Microsoft tell me to stop reporting the issue!  But, er, yeah don’t do that.

Step 6:  If all else fails, plagiarise!  P.S. thank you guys for being creative enough to keep me afloat for the past year.  If your ideas haven’t appeared here so far, rest assured that I just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

Feel free to use these tips to your advantage.  Once you’ve successfully penned your novel/film script/magnum opus and become instantly and gloriously rich, remember your old pal Addman and the advice he gave you.  Remember to raise a glass in his honour and think to yourself, things weren’t too bad when I had to slum it on Blogger with the likes of him.  Also, send him a cheque for 10% of your earnings.  Make it payable to “Agnes McHugeboobs”, just don’t ask questions.

14 comments:

  1. Well I think if I do end up rich and famous I will remember you but I'm not sure I'd give you ten percent. How does 3 sound? Remember I will be super rich so 3 is still a lot.

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    1. I'll accept 3%, but don't think it's because I'm desperate or anything. I'm doing it purely out of charity, to you.

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  2. Crab walk you say? Hmmmm. Nope, just pulled a hamstring trying to write this comment. I'm tempted to write a check to Agnes McHugeboobs just to watch you try and cash it.

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    1. Ironically, Agnes is rather flat chested and just has a rather unfortunate surname. She's also blue, furry, and her blonde wig tends to fall off in a gust of a wind. I'll pass on your sentiments.

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  3. Thanks for the laugh which took me away from my staring contest with the cursor. You began and ended with kick butt LMAO words "artistically douched" and Agnes McHugeboobs. I'm going to channel both the term and the person today (Agnes). I, too, would love to see you cash that check. I'm inspired. Thanks!

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    1. Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I wouldn't recommend channelling Agnes while I'm channelling her at the same time. The authorities might get suspicious and arrest us for fraud, those crazy guys.

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  4. Very useful tips Addman, as a blogger who posts everyday I am rather good at steps one to four (and three) and I have often been seen swanning round the dance floor shouting one, two, one two three ...... FOUR; clutching my PC and laughing with gay abandon as I type the fandango, thunderbolts and lightning, very wery frightening thing... Hang on I got a bit distracted there.

    Its steps five and six that worry me AVOID INSANITY surely that's not write (sorry right) I feel I write my best work in a state of insanity in fact I feel it would be insane to give up insanity because without it I would be just another wealthy successful writer living the Hollywood life style supping hot chocolate by the pool and chatting to that very nice Steven Spielberg on the phone about plots and toasted muffins with cream and jam . . . . . YUM.

    As for step six . . . .If all else fails, plagiarise . . . . I feel I cant do this as I am yet to find someone mad or INSANE enough to get into a hot air balloon with the plague. They tend to lie about groaning and getting in the way and write things like ..... Help get a doctor I have got the plague I cant rise........ Well I can write that myself dead easy.

    OK I have gone on long enough as I need to go and write my own diary, well once I have had a rather nice pizza for tea. ...... DAMN I have used all my ideas up now . . . .What am I going to write about now .... DONT Panic it will come to me soon . . .. . AH my mind has now gone completely blank . . . . . DAMN.. I will approach this problem later in a slow crutching limping stagger wearing a cat on my head.

    Thanks for the tips....

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    1. Well rest assured that I most certainly won't be copying you. Argh, mum just said IDIOT!

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  5. Thanks for the questionable advice. When I go brain dead and can't think up any more posts I might resort to one or two of your suggestions.

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    1. Cool. Don't forget me the next time you try and balance your cheque book. Wait, does anyone actually do that any more?

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  6. I have four unfinnished backup post ready to use at anytime that only require a beginning, middle and end and theme, reason, plot and justification to be ready to posted.

    In fact procrastination and the new series of Storage Wars on the history channel are the only things stopping me from completing this commen.....

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    1. Yes, Storage Wars is actually quite interesting. It's like Bargain Hunt, but without a shiny orange man burning your retinas out.

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  7. I tackle Writers Block by leading with my shoulder, driving with my legs, wrapping up with my arms and carrying my momentum through to the ground. And by not writing.

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    1. I imagine you can tackle a lot of things this way. Do you often win the ball?

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