Monday 15 October 2012

Embarrassing Nightclub Photos


In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth, and it was good.  Then he created Man.  Man was soon bored, so God created Woman.  Before long, both man and woman wanted a venue in which they could flail their limbs to repetitive dubstep music in a bid to cajole each other into awkward toilet cubicle sex.  This is why God created nightclubs.

Unfortunately for these men and women, God also created the website Embarrassing Nightclub Photos.  This glorious website gives us a chance to laugh at these people in unique and wondrous ways.  This is exactly what myself and Chiz over at ChizChat decided to do, and we've decided to post the results right here.  Please gaze below on the exotic specimens we have unearthed:





Chiz - Should I be more concerned by the amount of chemicals that guy has on his body or the fact that the girl on the right is trying to eat her own tongue?

Addman - I think the girl on the right is actually the star of this photo.  It's like she's daydreaming about a delicious cake.

Chiz - I feel like someone should've inserted a thought bubble above her head. She's clearly not functioning at the same wavelength as the other party-goers.

Addman – Her thought bubble would say “Thank god I’m not the girl in the middle”.  She is literally owned by the guy covered in varnish.

Addman - In fact, I think that guy is missing the top of his head.  His hair just seems to trail off into the night.

Chiz - I think his hair is leaking all over his girl's head, too.

Addman - I think it's leaking onto everyone's heads.  That might explain why the girl on the right is looking upwards.  She's gazing into the follicle abyss and seeing the end of days.

Chiz - Exactly, it's as if everything the hair touches is his kingdom.

Chiz - Except the creepy blonde guy in the back. He's like a rabbit walking amongst lions.

Addman - It's like a sleazy nightclub version of the Lion King "Everything you smear hairgrease on, will belong to you my son."


Addman - I can't tell if that's a fake tan, or if he fell face first into a bowl of alphabetti spaghetti.

Chiz - Looks to me like they pulled a dead guy from an incinerator and posed him in a bittersweet prom photo
.
Chiz - Do you watch Game of Thrones?

Chiz - Because they guy on the left looks like a character from the show named Hodor.

Addman - I don't think he's actually part of their group.  I think he just came to lick the spaghetti juice off the front guy's face.

Addman - That fella on the right looks like he's playing a giant, invisible harmonica.

Chiz - I can't tell if it's the make-up on his face or if he really is constipated.

Addman - Are the two middle guys sharing a pint glass?

Chiz - It kind of looks like the guy in the back was about to wrestle the pint out of the dead guy's hand, but before he could grab it with his other hand, the Chucky doll-looking fellow put his head underneath his armpit.

Addman - So we're basically seeing three guys fighting over a dead man's drink?

Chiz - It appears so. He's got that look that says, "Foiled again," while Chucky's got that passive, innocent look that says, "Whoops, am I in the way?"

Addman - You know the economy has hit rock bottom when people have to duel to the death for leftover liquor.

Chiz - Would you say the economy is "On the rocks"?




Addman - I reckon that guy has had dinner plates surgically implanted into his chest.

Chiz - It looks like he had his bum surgically implanted onto his chest to me.

Addman - Probably.  That would explain how he managed to shit out that moustache onto his top lip.

Chiz - I'm still undecided whether this pic is safe for work.

Chiz - If I was gay would it be considered unsafe for work?

Addman - I think it's considered unsafe for humans, let alone work.

Addman - Do you think he's trying to be Jack Sparrow by any chance?

Chiz - Perhaps, maybe he stores his booty in his moustache and between his chest ass.

Addman - I love it how the guy on the left seems to be having an out of body experience.  His purple spirit is trying to escape the photograph.

Chiz - He must be one of the Black Pearl's ghostly henchmen.

Chiz - He's got that thousand miles stare like he's standing atop a crow's nest.

Addman - That's exactly how I looked when I first saw this photo.



Chiz - The Inbetweeners?

Addman - They're too polite to be the Inbetweeners.  That dapper fellow on the left understands correct pinky etiquette whilst downing a shot.

Addman - What do you think they're drinking that tastes so revolting?

Chiz - Oh, definitely horse semen.

Chiz - Or water. No one would be expecting that.

Addman - "Mom?!  Is this water?  I only drink highly sweetened, carbonated drinks!"

Chiz - It seems the guy in the middle is having an allergic reaction to the water.

Addman - I think he's having an allergic reaction to being outside his house.  This is probably the first time he's ventured outside since his Warcraft guild disbanded.

Chiz - Very possible, it looks like the substance he just downed is bringing about frightening flashbacks of intense, harrowing Warcraft battles.

Chiz - He's weeping for the poor soul, Bonerfarts324, who died in the battle of Your-Mom.

Addman - I want to know the story behind that raised fist in the background.  It reminds me of the end of Terminator 2.

Addman - And thus, another clubber has laid down his life and drowned in a pool of other people's sweat.

Chiz - He probably just polished off a bag of wine or liberated an oppressed country. Endless possibilities, really.

Chiz - What's surprising is the fact that these gentlemen are able to lift the shots to their mouths with all those bracelets.

Addman – What’s surprising is that they dared to drink alcohol on a school night.


*All photos are strictly the property of Embarrassing Nightclub Photos.  I think.  They're not mine anyway.



28 comments:

  1. I would just like to add (no pun intended again) that in the fist two photos the girl and the chap in my opinion have noticed a really tasty House Sparrow flying about in a confused state and are rather keen to eat it. It is plainly obvious that the girl finds sparrows delicious and is licking her lips in anticipation. I bet that varnished man has a Sparrow in his mouth too which would explain his expression, lets face it we would all look like that if we had a mouth full of sparrow.

    To test my theory I have just swallowed a Budgerigar in the pet shop, but it is OK because it was very cheap . . . . . . . . . . .AHA HAHAHHAH HHAHAH HAHH HAHAH HA HHA HHAHAh hahaah ah hhahah ahha hha hahah hahhahah ahh hah ha

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think the Jack Sparrow guy in the third pic would like to give all the ladies a mouthful of sparrow.

      Delete
  2. Sure, make fun of the guy with the killer pecs, but I worked hard for these things, and you'd better believe that I show them off in public. What better way than with a shirt that exposes man cleavage? In fact, I work hard on my whole body, so I always wear see through clothing. Like neon pink mesh, because the pink really compliments my pale skin tone.

    Yessir, nothing screams "this straight guy works hard on his body" to the ladies like neon pink mesh.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You're right, I'm sorry for mocking this prime specimen of manhood. Do you think I could grow up to be just like him? If I work really hard on my buttocks, maybe I can show off my craftsmanship with a complimentary pair of buttless chaps.

      Delete
  3. As much as I loved the commentary of you guys, and you do bounce off of eachother well and have good chemistry, those photos made me weep for humanity.

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    1. Thank you very much, and I agree. When we weren't crying with laughter, we were crying with despair.

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  4. That was hilarious. Loved the commentary. I shall raise a glass for Bonerfarts324, who died in the battle of Your-Mom. Nightclubs are the worst. It's like a douchebag farm. Can't we just take anyone who has a spray tan or wears a v-neck or anyone who self-identifies as a DJ and just erase them from humanity? It would make the world a better place.

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    1. Better still, just lock the doors as they all enter. Nightclubs can be like holding pens for the dregs of the species. Eventually they'll start to feel hungry and turn on each other.

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  5. I just want to thank you again for including me in this, Addman. It was a lot of fun. Also, I was thinking that maybe this could be a regular thing for you in that you ask various bloggers to join you in a chat session to make fun of photos. Think of it as some sort of a "Get to know a blogger" thing. I don't know, just a suggestion. But awesome job organizing the whole thing!

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    1. Well thanks for joining in and being so damn hilarious. I like the idea of getting other Bloggers on board too. If anyone is interested, let me know either here, or send me an email (address is in my profile and in the Contact Us section at the top).

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  6. Hilarious! The guy in the first picture looks a lot like Joe Francis from the Girl's Gone Wild phenom madness. The two girls with him probably just signed his disclosure. In the 3rd pic the guy who wants to look fabulous looks angry, so can assume someone must have cut the cheese. Great Posting, yet again!

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    1. Thanks! I think the guy in the 3rd picture is angry because he's surrounded by ugly fat people (in his opinion). His amazing body is wasted on their inferior eyes.

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  7. I'm so glad I don't venture into the sweaty world of night clubs anymore. I can still smell the stench of sexual tension, cheap vodka and 2 billion cubic tons of JOOP! aftershave hovering over the twitching masses as the jiggle and sway in a piss poor attempt to engage the attention of potential sexual partners before the afore mentioned cheap vodka (laced with white wine vinegar for that extra friday night kick) makes it way back up the gullet and onto the doorway of the nearest kebab shop window...
    Thinking back now, it amazes me how the human species has managed to breed for this long if dancing and drinking is the primary most of these idiots get it on!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's a very good point. What the hell is with JOOP! aftershave? When I was like 18, it was utterly awesome, but by the time I was 20 it was disgusting and felt like it was giving my diabetes.

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  8. Brilliant! Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant! Nothing brings a good bellow of laughter like cations to gay photos! And a tag team to boot! Awesome!

    Should you decide to do this again I would be happy to invite myself to be a part of it! lol

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    1. Should I decide to do this again I'll bear you in mind. Thanks for the kind words!

      Delete
  9. What is with the fake tans? Is it a prerequisite for getting into a club or something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. White skin reflects strobe lighting, which can blind other nightclub patrons. Having a fake tan shows that you are being courteous to your fellow clubbers.

      Delete
  10. this crap makes me proud to be a fully dressed, un-tanned upright human... instead of a slutty, tampon-string-hangin', puking, sexin-in-the-bathroom skank.

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    1. I'm just pleased that my knuckles don't drag across the doorstep.

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  11. I will never be able to understand how anyone can even begin to think that orange skin looks good. You would have thought that the first person to try it and get that look would have been made fun of by his friends and decided to never try that again.

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    1. I can only assume that when the first person tried it, his/her mates turned around and said "You! You're the person we will place on a pedestal and dedicate our lives to." Quite why someone wouldn't burn them at the stake, I've no idea.

      Delete
  12. This is like a raunchier version of those two knuckleheads on all the Sonic commercials...not that you two eat that kind of food or anything, just saying....And BTW all those pics are quite gay and not appropriate for any member of society to view.

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    1. It's probably best not to use the word raunchy around these photos.

      Delete
  13. Haha you guys are awesome. Thank you for bringing the ridiculous nightclubs back down to the surface.

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  14. I think it is same tanned alien species in each pic - y'know they're taking over the world but starting with the stupidest of our species, hence the night club piss-heads. Once their brains have been sucked dry they turn orange-brown and want to take their clothes off.

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    1. I think if they are sucking out their brains, there's barely enough there for a light snack. I think the aliens might need to stop off for a takeaway on the way home.

      Delete

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