Friday, 5 April 2013

Time Traveling Sodomy

Some of you may have noticed that Muppets For Justice has been inundated with spam.  I wasn’t going to write about it since spam is something that affects all of us.  Even the fly-ridden orphans working on Delhi’s rubbish dumps have seen a Nigerian Millionaire scam email. 

My daily routine involves getting to work, plonking myself down at my desk, then promptly checking Blogger to see how many spam comments I have to delete before starting any work.  As I most scrolling through the horribly generic spiel of 100 different spam commenters, one of them stood out.  Here it is, unaltered in its full insane glory: 

My newest time travelin' mission is to persuade the masses to engage in consensual sodomy, prostitution, and, after a number of spots can be only $200. Simple enough the growing trend is partly due to intelligent people having less children than the obtuse. Usman, 26, of Pittsburgh allegedly robbed a woman for $60 -- and then we were behind the stage.

It then included a link to a Fleshlight, which I have removed so as not to help the spammer and because I’m sure you are all more than capable of finding your own Fleshlights.  However, I was delighted to receive correspondence from a time travelling sexual industrialist. 

Most people only travel through time to alert themselves to future dangers, to save loved ones, or conceive themselves in confusing time paradoxes.  However, a man who travels through time solely for consensual sodomy and prostitution sounds like a winner in my book.  I think this is very definition of using your powers for the greater good.  I’m sure there are many historical figures who would have benefited from the erotic enlightenment that a time travelling sex-monger would provide.  Perhaps Catherine The Great wouldn’t have resorted to horses if someone had bought her a Rampant Rabbit.  Maybe Hitler’s eugenics program wouldn’t have got a tad out of hand if he realised the sexual potential of other creeds through a pop-up Karma Sutra.  What I’m saying is, sexually satisfied people are happy people, a fact which might alter the course of history.

Think about it.  How could you have a 100 year war when all the combatants have had Viagra crunched up into their water supply?  It would make charging an enemy flank a little uncomfortable.

The time machine I'm working on.  Project Sex Sleigh.

Perhaps this thought has struck me more since I’ve recently started watching Heroes.  Yes, I know I’m so out of date it hurts, however one of the main characters from the show can travel back and forward through time.  He tries to impress a girl using his powers and, although she thinks he is a creepy magician at first, eventually she falls for him.  I believe that Hiro is a pioneer, however, I intend to refine his technique further.  I would go back to prehistoric times and get my swag on.  I’d wear my best suit and take with me some razors, lube, aphrodisiacs and several bottles of tequila.  Once I indoctrinated the people using these items I would create an erotic revolution, turning Homo Sapiens into Homo Erectus.  Unfortunately, I’ve yet to develop this super power, so I’ll put this plan on the backburner for now.

When time travel becomes a viable future technology, I vow to use this advancement to go back in time and make love to the all-time classic beauties of history.  I will recruit Helen of Troy, Cleopatra, Joan of Arc and Lindsay Lohan into my harem.  Please bear in mind that I only do this for the benefit of mankind.  My sexual sacrifice will ensure a peaceful and prosperous world for you all, so you should support my endeavours and help me build my time machine.  I need your donations!  Quick, before my shower runs out of cold water!


  1. As much as I loved Heroes I can't remember Hiro trying to score using his powers. I do think that time traveling buggery probably would do a lot of good. I'm not really for spam but I am all for something like that. We must begin!

  2. I like that he specified the sodomy was consensual sodomy. Nice to know that kinky time travellers realise no means no.

  3. I'd travel back and prank the Mayans into thinking I was an alien. Wait... That would explain their paintings and hieroglyphics of aliens and UFOs. Perhaps I have already traveled back in time from the future. I'm a soon-to-be genius!

    Ah, who am I kidding? I'd probably sit on the laps of plenty of fine historical women, as well.

  4. I had a spam problem too, til I told Blogger not to accept anonymous comments, but I never had anybody as cool as that.

    Also, you misspelled Xena Warrior Princess in your list of classic beauties.

  5. Hmmm... If your plan to go back and sex up all the prehistoric cave ladies succeeds, we could all end up being descendants of you. But even though you haven't succeeded yet, doesn't mean you won't. Which means we may very well already be descendants of yours. Or at least will have been eventually, once you will succeeded in your future past changes. It's hard to discuss time travel.

  6. I have also turned off the anonymous comments option and went down to the next level below it what ever it is called and that did kill all the spam. Having read your post I have concluded you have been reading too much spam, I will say though some of the greatest compliments my blog has ever had was from spam, and killing it also affected the page-views as it appears they can make your blog look busier than a bee in a ? (I don't know, a time machine).

    Oooooo just one small thing I thought your spammer looked a bit like Jeremy Clarkson..... Well that is a bit of a shock. . . . . Good luck Mr Addman with the sexual sacrifice, although maybe Jeremy Clarkson has beaten you to it.

  7. The line "Perhaps Catherine The Great wouldn’t have resorted to horses if someone had bought her a Rampant Rabbit," has finally put paid to my pelvic floor muscles and because of you, I shall now have to have it removed.

    And surely NO-ONE is that desperate, that they would even consider Linday Lohan...seriously...come on...really?

  8. My blog isn't popular enough to get spam. You bloody show off.

  9. I also get inundated with spam. But only certain posts. Isn't that odd? Blogger blocks some posts more than others, I have one post that has received nigh on 30 spam comments, I haven't changed my settings because it's kind of like a science experiment at this point. Although I haven't gotten anything as interesting as a time traveling sodomite. Just the regular run of the mill sodomites.

  10. Shutting off ANONYMOUS commenting completely stopped the spam for me.

  11. It's gotten terrible around here, and apparently Google is no longer smart enough to understand that "ANONYMOUS sez, Want make penis big now click here big link American Cowboy!" is spam. So like some of the others mentioned, we disabled Anonymous comments and haven't had a single spam comment ever since. On our worst day we'd get up to 15 spam comments all slipping through the filter. Blah.

    And really, does anyone ever see those grammatically sodomized comments and think, "Wow, I wanna buy what THIS guy's selling!"?


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