Monday, 22 April 2013

Puritan Cosmopolitan


Editors Note:

It's the year of our lord 1651, and there is a lot that the modern sophisticated ladies of today need to know.  Puritanism is the new thing, and since Mr Cromwell taught us about sins of the flesh, we need to look our best while not enflaming the sexual lust of our menfolk.  It's tough to stay bang on trend, but fear not, as we have a pull out supplement on the latest wimples for you on page 25.

It may be hard to keep your hands off of him, but ladies, refrain from pouncing on Mr Oliver Cromwell.


Also, make sure those ankles are covered.  Bare ankles are not only sinful, but positively medieval darling.  As such, our cover story this month is an expose on exposing yourself like that in public.  We speak to one woman on the way to the gallows to discover how her life has been irreparably ruined since she failed to wear the appropriate length of skirt.  The slut!

Black is the new black, but what shade is right for you?  Our style editor, Sister Octavia is here to tell you just how black you can go before you cannot go back.  Turn to page 63 for our black colour chart.

As times change, eating in is becoming the new not eating at all.  England has a vast supply of turnips for all occasions, and you can be part of this culinary revolution by reading our turnip recipes on page 74.  There's roast turnip with a side of turnip, turnip jeux on bread, and our fabulous turnip surprise!  We also tell you how to prepare the turnip so that it looks a lot less like genitalia, thus getting you arrested for owning sexualised vegetables.

Bulbous and delicious


Being 17th century gals, we all like a good cocktail party with our girlfriends now and again. From page 100 we recommend some excellent cocktails using only gin that will make you the talk of the town!

May the lord bless these pages and may he forever watch over you in the bathroom.

~ The editor

Contents:

Page 5:  101 Sex Tips!  How to cool things down in the bedroom and refrain from sexual activity in the name of Puritanism.

Page 16:  Scurvy Dos And Don'ts.

Page 39:  Health And Beauty.  What animals can you smear on your face to appear acceptable in public?

Page 43:  Powdered Wigs, they're not for the likes of you!

Page 59:  Hunks In Socks.  See the latest gentry in nothing but their knee-high socks, short silky trousers, petticoats, and frilly sleeves!

Page 67:  Leeches - How many is too much?

Page 78:  Fragrances.  Badger piss or otter semen?

Page 85:  Witchcraft And You.  How to avoid accusations and burning. 17 sensational tips!

21 comments:

  1. This was the best issue ever. I learned one new sexual position, bringing my total up to two. Both of them are sinful, and I will burn in hell for even having this carnal knowledge, but it's totally worth it.

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    1. You may learn these positions, but you must NEVER use them! With great power comes great responsibility.

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  2. This was absolutely genius! Unfortunately, I'm going to have to report you for being a witch. No one can publish a magazine cover like that without having the colors bleed. No other explanation other than witchcraft.

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    1. Don't be silly, men can't be witches.

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  3. I'm going to see Turnip Surprise and the turnips that look like genitalia as Blackadder references. I long for the days when showing a bare ankle was a sign of promiscuity, although I often wonder how they'd react to what we consider promiscuity today, never mind what we consider normal.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, they were Blackadder references. And yes, it'd be interesting to see what they make of the decadence of modern civilisation. Perhaps when time travel is invented, we should bring Cromwell back and make him watch Babestation.

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  4. I'm still lost in the black but I have been taking notes with a black pen on black paper about blackness and it is looking very black.

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    1. Are you sure it's black and not very, very, very, very, very dark blue? I'd go and check your stationary right now if I were you.

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  5. Otter piss or badger semen...decisions decisions! Why choose? Would it be too promiscuous of me to have both?

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    1. Oh dear! Its badger piss and otter semen! Thats where I have been going wrong...:(

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    2. How could you get such a simple style tip so wrong? Girlfriend, you are soooooo 15th century!

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    3. Don't I know it! Back to the scullery I go...I always get badgers and otters mixed up! Although the otter wasnt complaining.....lol!

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  6. Eating is the new not eating!?! Next thing these trashy sheep skins (I assume that't what Puritan Cosmo was printed on) will try to pawn off on us is that hats with belt buckles are out and bathing fortnightly is in, thus tripling the amount of nudity I must shame God with upon an annual basis. Oughtn't we have learned from last issue whence they attempted to tell us how to experiment in the shape of the holes we're cutting into the sheet before marital fornication?

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    Replies
    1. Sheets? Sheets are what the devil gave us to make us comfortable and numb to the divine glory of the lord. You have to swaddle yourself in faecal matter to make you appreciate life.

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  7. I bet the surprise in turnip surprise is another turnip.

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    1. I could tell you, but then it wouldn't be a surprise would it? Although, yes you are correct.

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  8. That was very damn funny. I laughed. That is all.

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    1. Then it has served its purpose. Thank you very much.

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  9. Funny post! We have an award for you to pick up at Laughing at Life, 2. Click this link http://laughingatlife232.blogspot.com/2013/04/liebster-blog-award.html#more

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    Replies
    1. Awesome! Thanks man, I'll be over to collect it shortly.

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