Monday, 23 July 2012

I Like Big Cuddles And I Cannot Lie


In my perpetual search for a viable vocation, I tend to come across a lot of crazy ways to make money.  I’ve seen some really nutty stuff in my time, such as people delivering slabs of paper-based news directly to people’s doors.  Or those smelly guys under the bridge who think they can make money by standing around an open fire in an empty oil drum.  As I’ve witnessed so many people getting it utterly wrong, by learning from their mistakes, I believe I know what a decent business plan looks like.

I come to you today with my award-winning idea.  I noticed that a lot of people meander through their emotionally derelict lives in a loveless state of constant banality.  The average person on the street is sad, and only a fleeting glance can tell you that they’re hurting on the inside.  Therapy is expensive, and handjobs are out of the question, especially since I picked up that wrist injury.  Luckily, I’ve figured out a way in which I can bring joy to the masses in exchange for money.

Basically, I’ve started a Hugging Parlour.  I have bought a disused warehouse downtown in which people can come to me for a therapeutic hug.  The first few customers have already started to trickle in, which is great news, but I’m trying to expand my business.  There are three tiers of hugs available, all part of an aggressive pricing structure:

An example of our service


Silver Hug - £10

This gives the client a real quick fix.  It is pretty much the espresso of the hugging underworld.  Clients can get a short, 5 minute maximum hug from one of our trained hug-ologists (currently just me, but I intend to train more as the business grows).  This type of service is perfect for people who need a quick pick-me-up during their commute, and will click perfectly with clients who have a busy lifestyle.

Gold Cuddle - £25

The Gold Cuddle is for the savvy client who knows how to get bang for his or her buck.  With a Gold Cuddle, clients can have a 15 minute session, and get to choose from a variety of different Cuddle Aspects.  These include the strength of the cuddle, hairiness of arms, positions, and the hug-ologist will promise to wash his/her hands first.  Clients may also select a phrase to be whispered into their ear during the cuddle.  Popular phrases include “Shhh, mummy kiss it better”, and “There, there, my sweet”.

Platinum Snuggle - £50

The Platinum Snuggle is the premium package, offering a range of aspirational aspects.  The package includes everything the Gold one does, but lasts for up to an hour, can include more than two people, and will take place in a room with a pre chosen projection of a location on the back wall.  Want a three way cuddle on a beach in Acapulco?  Fancy a life-changing snuggle in the Australian outback?  Need a soothing hug during the shelling of Homs?  All catered for.

As you can see, we aim to offer the widest range of spooning opportunities to suit all needs and lifestyles.  For those of you who need a little more information, refer to our Q&A below:

A pet service is available


Q. What if I become aroused during the cuddle?

A.  Don’t worry.  This is part of a natural response to such stimulation.  Although sexual acts will not be performed under any circumstances, we’re willing to work around minor arousal.  Requests for anything further will not be tolerated.

Q.  Are there any rules regarding gender?

A.  Male and female clients are accepted.  Male and female hug-ologists are available (although, it’s just me at the moment.  I will dress up until female hug-ologists can be hired and trained).

Q.  Does it matter if I smell?

A.  Yes.  We reserve the right not to serve clients who are unclean.  Minor discrepancies can be overlooked, but we ask customers to observe appropriate levels of hygiene.  As a guide, try not to arrive with more than a 2-day old funk going on.  Clients who are on their way home from working in fish factories and abattoirs will be required to change first before coming to us.

Q.  Do you do home visits?

A.  Not yet, but if demand for this service is high, we may expand into this area.  For now, you’ll need to come to us.

Q.  Do I need to bring anything with me?

A.  Just your wallet!  Haha!  Seriously though, we do have storage lockers available if you happen to bring any lumpy, uncomfortable items with you.

Q.  What psychological effects can I expect from the treatment?

A.  A feeling of self worth will follow you around for at least 24 hours.  I know that sounds like fortune cookie shit, but trust me, as I have studied the effects of hugging on people’s brains.  Your brain will release liquid love that makes you feel the tingly sensation of feeling wanted or special.  This effect will last all day.

Q.  Would it be a problem if I started sobbing?

A.  Not at all.  Consider the hug as a type of physical psychiatric workout.  That statement makes complete and total sense, trust me.  Anyway, we always have a box of Kleenex on standby for such situations.



We hope that answers all your questions about our service.  On behalf of everyone at The Snuggle Shack, we look forward to seeing and hugging you soon!

----- Written for this week's Dude Write.

48 comments:

  1. You know this isn't too bad of an idea, but there are plenty of people with "free hugs" signs these days.

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    1. Yeah, those suckers giving 'em out for free! They really should have monetised those hugs.

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  2. To think, all these years I've been hugging people without any financial gain! What on earth was I thinking!

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    1. And better still, every hug you give is tax deductible!

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  3. Frighteningly enough, there are cuddle businesses. http://www.cnn.com/video/standard.html?hpt=hp_c2#/video/us/2012/07/11/dnt-ny-woman-starts-cuddle-business.wham
    And your prices are reasonable, as is your stance on spontaneous erections. What if I don't want physical contact, I just want someone to compliment me for five minutes?

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    1. Ugh, it's depressing that some people are so devoid of human contact that they'll pay a stranger to give them a cuddle. Prostitution is more understandable than this.

      Pickle, you gorgeous, brainy, sexually appeasing, son-of-a nice woman, of course I'll compliment you for money? Can I have my cheque now please?

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  4. Absolutely brilliant and more than a little disturbing.

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    1. Thanks, shall I book you in for an appointment?

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  5. This is such a great idea, because every time I ask my local hooker for a hug, she gets a little uncomfortable. Which seems pretty stupid, because I'm doing so, SO much worse things to her than hugging her, amirite?

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    1. To someone who has seen more than her fair share of subversive perversion, a cuddle probably seems like kinky stuff. Make sure you pay her handsomely. Or come and see me.

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  6. If I lived in your part of the world I'd gladly volunteer to be your female hugologist. Hmmmm...maybe I could start your American franchise. I see tremendous growth potential...and I'm not just talking about occasional erections.

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    1. No plans for an American branch yet as some crazy woman that Pickleope posted earlier has cornered the market. However, if you're willing to move, I can give you a job in Yemen. The Yemeni market is just crying out for a cuddle.

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  7. What an idea and this business venture should make the Fortune 500 pretty quick. :) The US is looking for small business ideas, so this should be pitched over here! :) One of your business partners isn't Joseph Wong is it? I keep getting emails from Joseph Wong who is wanting to pitch a business idea!

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    1. Nope, you got the wong guy. Ahahaha!

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  8. That's funny that you write this because a few days ago I read an article about a woman who does this. She charges $60 an hour to cuddle people. In an interview, she explained that client's often got big ol'boners, but she would respond by saying, "That's not what I'm here for."

    I think you business plan trumps her's, though. I can't promise that I won't try to haggle with you. Perhaps $2, a used admission to The Dark Knight Rises, and a pat on the back for a 3 minute hug?

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    1. Make that an unused admission to the dark knight rises, and I'll cuddle you/use you as a human shield throughout the entire showing.

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  9. Is there some sort of money-back guarentee? What if the feeling of self worth only lasts for 2 hours, rather than 24? Or maybe you have a maintenance plan for those of us who are really messed up?

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    1. Trust me, with these snuggly arms, the feeling will last at least 24 hours.

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  10. A professional snuggler? Hmm, I not know it just might catch on.

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    1. Sadly, I think it already is catching on.

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  11. Hahaha! “Shhh, mummy kiss it better” Never has such a maternal phrase, sounded so disturbing.

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    1. Why? There's nothing creepy about a strange man in an abandoned warehouse trying to take the place of someone's mother. You make it seem so sordid!

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  12. What's going to happen when You are inundated with cuddlies (is that the right name for them?) and you are so stressed out at seeing the long line of unloved on edge customers? Whos gonna cuddle you?!?! WHO CUDDLES THE CUDDLER?!?!?!?!

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  13. Are there hugs available for those who don't live in the area? Virtual hugs via email perhaps? Or maybe training sessions from certified hugologists to train clients to hug themselves?

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    1. No, and I wouldn't recommend it either. Hugs that are unsupervised by one of our hugologists can be extremely dangerous. Plus I've trademarked hugs, cuddles, and the word "Snugglebum".

      Delete
  14. I think you are on to something here, and in the right city, I could actually see people paying for this type of service. I'd like to open up a franchise here in Austin!


    Michael A. Walker
    Defying Procrastination

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    1. Well think carefully before trying to become a hugologist, as it's a big decision to take. Ask yourself, am I willing to cuddle dirty/fat/stupid people, constantly, all day? Am I going to have to scrub myself with wire wool every evening after work? Is there something I could be doing that's less pointless?

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  15. This is exactly why I exercise and meditate. I need to keep depression at bay. The last thing I want is for someone to hug me. The very thought of someone touching me drives me insane. Lovers can touch me. My nieces can hold my hand if they give me a few minutes to prepare. It's rare that I like and accept affection. I can't imagine paying for it. I swear I have a heart.

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    1. Well you could always hug one of our hugologists instead. That way, you get to be the big spoon and get to break away when your arm gets tired. I'm sure we can find you the perfect service.

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    2. You don't care about me, you care about my money!

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  16. What about upside-down hugs? You know, 69-style.

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  17. I think you could further monetize by renting space on your t-shirt.

    But what if I'm a big guy, like 500 pounds of mountain man? You'd be a mere pimple on me? I'm sensitive about my size, so are you going to insult me and make me pay more for my huggle like the makers of men's shirts who feel that I should pay more for 7X size?

    Yours hopefully,
    Tiny

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    1. Don't worry, we cater for larger clients too. I have a large hessian rope that I can wrap around your midrift and pull until the requested pressure is reached. Then, I'll take a running leap and latch onto one of your folds, clinging to you like a bush baby over a snake pit.

      I love the idea of advertising space on the t-shirts. "Today's hug was bought to you by the refreshing taste of Coca Cola".

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  18. Apparently you're in the UK, which means the entire US market is wide open.

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    1. And I would welcome that market with open arms, but apparently I've been beaten by some crazy old hag:

      http://edition.cnn.com/video/standard.html?hpt=hp_c2#/video/us/2012/07/11/dnt-ny-woman-starts-cuddle-business.wham

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  19. One of the sorry, pitiful reasons I love to Blog is the viable excuse of reading your Posts and the absolutely sensible comments that you get, all the freakin' time!
    Seriously now, I am a trained hug-ologist, and I dare say, your rates are pretty reasonable. I surmise, for a start-up, your product is down pat. Having been in this business for a tad, I have expanded my product offerings to a few, selected and esteemed clientele, to include, "snuggles"; "cuddles"; "light pats on the back" (particularly the fastest moving for recognition starved workaholics); among the few I have in the range. I have expanded and employed a professional "snuggler', "cuddler" and by demand, a "spooner". The business has bloomed because of the tax incentives in my part of the globe. I wish you more power and I hope we can soon co-write a paperback on the "Hugging Guide for Idiots". Whatdyathink?

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    1. Brilliant. Too many people are caught out by the pitfalls of improper hugging, so we need an idiot's guide. Due to your previous experience, I'd also like to hire you to work at the Snuggle Shack. The work is hard and the pay is poor, but hey, you get to cuddle people all day. There are carebears out there who'd kill for this job.

      Thank you for the kind words. Glad to see you back, your presence has been missed.

      Delete
  20. Well I think that's highly reasonable. Fifty quid for a quick grope and only a slight whiff of yesterday's curry - what more could the Great unwashed British public wish for? All you need now are Olympic Hug Specials and you'll be on your way to Buck House for your Knighthood for erasing the country of pervy gym teachers and randy doctors.

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    1. I think there's still a place for pervy gym teachers and randy doctors in our society. They plug a vital economic gap that would make the world's infrastructure collapse if it were to be removed. Or at least, that's what Mr. Jones used to tell me when he made me stay after school and shower with him.

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  21. Sounds like a great idea! I will leave my lumpy and uncomfortable items at home, though.

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    1. Too right. No hugs can be administered while you have keys or mobile phones in your pockets. They stop the flow of hug-chakras.

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  22. Sorry I am a bit late arriving to this post. As I was reading I thought hang on I know what would put you out of business, sorry slip of the tongue; I mean expand your business into a multimillion pound business and save on staff costs. The Mug-O-Matic sorry that's the Hug-O-Matic walk through hugging machine. A bit like those car washes but with arms.

    You would insert your money and stand on a small platform which would gently guide you into the awaiting pressure sensitive arms of a smiling android of your choice, say Elvis or the Queen or Boris Johnson or Diana Dors or the like.......

    I am so impressed with this I am writing to the patent office as I write..... DAMN I notice Hug o matic.com already exists although I did not enter the site it looked a bit sinister to me (surely thats not right)

    PHew I need a hug after all that.

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    1. I applaud your efforts, but I don't think that's a substitute for real human hugs. Cold, robotic arms just don't have the warmth. Also, if I know science fiction, robots love to squeeze the life out of people. I don't want that on my hands.

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  23. Is there franchise options available? This looks like a great opportunity to stop having to work for a living. A fool would not take this up

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    1. It seems that everyone wants to be a hugologist. I'm starting to think I'm missing out on some serious money here.

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  24. I don't have many friends. How many American dollars for a quick Bro Hug? I would die if I could get the semi-handshake-chest-bump-arm-around-shoulder-back-pat-thingie I see all the cool guys getting.

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