I Like Big Cuddles And I Cannot Lie

In my perpetual search for a viable vocation, I tend to come across a lot of crazy ways to make money.  I’ve seen some really nutty stuff in my time, such as people delivering slabs of paper-based news directly to people’s doors.  Or those smelly guys under the bridge who think they can make money by standing around an open fire in an empty oil drum.  As I’ve witnessed so many people getting it utterly wrong, by learning from their mistakes, I believe I know what a decent business plan looks like.

I come to you today with my award-winning idea.  I noticed that a lot of people meander through their emotionally derelict lives in a loveless state of constant banality.  The average person on the street is sad, and only a fleeting glance can tell you that they’re hurting on the inside.  Therapy is expensive, and handjobs are out of the question, especially since I picked up that wrist injury.  Luckily, I’ve figured out a way in which I can bring joy to the masses in exchange for money.

Basically, I’ve started a Hugging Parlour.  I have bought a disused warehouse downtown in which people can come to me for a therapeutic hug.  The first few customers have already started to trickle in, which is great news, but I’m trying to expand my business.  There are three tiers of hugs available, all part of an aggressive pricing structure:

An example of our service

Silver Hug - £10

This gives the client a real quick fix.  It is pretty much the espresso of the hugging underworld.  Clients can get a short, 5 minute maximum hug from one of our trained hug-ologists (currently just me, but I intend to train more as the business grows).  This type of service is perfect for people who need a quick pick-me-up during their commute, and will click perfectly with clients who have a busy lifestyle.

Gold Cuddle - £25

The Gold Cuddle is for the savvy client who knows how to get bang for his or her buck.  With a Gold Cuddle, clients can have a 15 minute session, and get to choose from a variety of different Cuddle Aspects.  These include the strength of the cuddle, hairiness of arms, positions, and the hug-ologist will promise to wash his/her hands first.  Clients may also select a phrase to be whispered into their ear during the cuddle.  Popular phrases include “Shhh, mummy kiss it better”, and “There, there, my sweet”.

Platinum Snuggle - £50

The Platinum Snuggle is the premium package, offering a range of aspirational aspects.  The package includes everything the Gold one does, but lasts for up to an hour, can include more than two people, and will take place in a room with a pre chosen projection of a location on the back wall.  Want a three way cuddle on a beach in Acapulco?  Fancy a life-changing snuggle in the Australian outback?  Need a soothing hug during the shelling of Homs?  All catered for.

As you can see, we aim to offer the widest range of spooning opportunities to suit all needs and lifestyles.  For those of you who need a little more information, refer to our Q&A below:

A pet service is available

Q. What if I become aroused during the cuddle?

A.  Don’t worry.  This is part of a natural response to such stimulation.  Although sexual acts will not be performed under any circumstances, we’re willing to work around minor arousal.  Requests for anything further will not be tolerated.

Q.  Are there any rules regarding gender?

A.  Male and female clients are accepted.  Male and female hug-ologists are available (although, it’s just me at the moment.  I will dress up until female hug-ologists can be hired and trained).

Q.  Does it matter if I smell?

A.  Yes.  We reserve the right not to serve clients who are unclean.  Minor discrepancies can be overlooked, but we ask customers to observe appropriate levels of hygiene.  As a guide, try not to arrive with more than a 2-day old funk going on.  Clients who are on their way home from working in fish factories and abattoirs will be required to change first before coming to us.

Q.  Do you do home visits?

A.  Not yet, but if demand for this service is high, we may expand into this area.  For now, you’ll need to come to us.

Q.  Do I need to bring anything with me?

A.  Just your wallet!  Haha!  Seriously though, we do have storage lockers available if you happen to bring any lumpy, uncomfortable items with you.

Q.  What psychological effects can I expect from the treatment?

A.  A feeling of self worth will follow you around for at least 24 hours.  I know that sounds like fortune cookie shit, but trust me, as I have studied the effects of hugging on people’s brains.  Your brain will release liquid love that makes you feel the tingly sensation of feeling wanted or special.  This effect will last all day.

Q.  Would it be a problem if I started sobbing?

A.  Not at all.  Consider the hug as a type of physical psychiatric workout.  That statement makes complete and total sense, trust me.  Anyway, we always have a box of Kleenex on standby for such situations.



We hope that answers all your questions about our service.  On behalf of everyone at The Snuggle Shack, we look forward to seeing and hugging you soon!

----- Written for this week's Dude Write.