I like to think that, after 5 years of cohabiting, we’re reasonably professional when we visit the supermarket. We hardly ever make a list, but we always have a good idea of what we want and how much we expect to pay for it. This makes the woeful ineptitude of other shoppers highly irritating. Since we need food in order to survive, we spend roughly an hour a week navigating mazes of lost shoppers and getting angrier at human civilisation.
In order to vent some of this frustration, I have devised a list of supermarket that everyone should adhere to. Think of this as a sort of constitution that only applies in Morrisons (or Wal Mart for those of you overseas).
1. Thou Shalt Not Block Aisles
This is a fundamental, basic courtesy that all shoppers should already know. If you want to stop and look at the shiny products on display, don’t park your trolley at a 90 degree angle. Don’t stand in the middle of an aisle, two abreast, scratching your head over which tin of cat food is likely to postpone Mr. Tiddle’s death by 3 seconds. I’m 3 seconds closer to the grave myself, just waiting for you to move to the side. It is my right to glide around the supermarket like it’s Swan fucking Lake, and anyone who gets in my way deserves a swift smack round the head.
2. Thou Shalt Not Attend At Busy Times If Thou Art Geriatric
Old people have an insistence on visiting the supermarket during peak periods (mainly evenings after work and Saturdays). Even though they have the entire day to do their shopping, they always choose the two hour slot when families and working people flock to their nearest store.
I’m trying to stave off starvation in my household for another week. Every day is a constant battle. I don’t need some pensioner slowing me down as he shuffles around like a depressed Roomba. The elderly and infirm are invited to attend the supermarket on any weekday morning or afternoon, and all day Sunday if they wish. I have no problem with them buying a single Fray Bentos pie every day as long as they stick to their allotted times.
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| This tin of beans is the most interesting thing I have ever seen! |
3. Thy Kids Are Idiots
Don’t let your child push the trolley. Don’t let them fight with plastic swords in the aisles. Don’t start feeding them sweets at the checkout to shut them up. Find someone to babysit for an hour instead and don’t subject them to the boredom of the fluorescent hellscape that is Tesco.
However, if you must bring your brat with you for whatever reason, don’t indulge them and let them run amok and terrorise everyone. Kids have the spatial awareness of a drunk Cyclops, and will constantly crash into everyone and carefully stacked displays.
4. Know What Thy Want Before Thy Enter
Seriously, no one needs you to stand around and debate the calorie counts of two products to yourself. We don’t have time for you to deliberate which evening you’re going to eat that microwavable horsemeat curry. You’re just taking up valuable room on the shop floor, or as I call it, the killing field.
5. Thou Shalt Pull Thy Trolley Forward At The Checkout
Again, this is a matter of courtesy. Until that blissfully unaware cocknocker in front moves his trolley forward, I can’t unload my shopping onto the conveyor belt. This slows the whole process down and means that I can’t pack while my stuff is being scanned. This then affects the person behind, and the person behind them, and will go on until the end of time where the human race will be trapped in supermarket queues with no hope of escape.
6. Thou Shalt Put The Next Customer Divider Behind Your Shopping
This one is a small thing but, unless you want to pay for my shopping as well, put the divider down when you’ve finished. I can’t reach them as you’re blocking them with your worthless mass.
If you have any other matters of shopping rage you wish to address, let me know in the comments below. Together, we can make the supermarket a place where glorious things can happen. And yes, these problems are very important and just as valid as third world hunger.
A great list Mr Addman I approve whole heartedly of it, I hate supermarkets which is why I use the Shop on Line Home delivery option so I never ever need to enter them again.....
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed those huge trolleys they now use to get all the stuff for the folk who shop online. No one can get past them either.....
I'd go for home delivery if it wasn't for the fact that they often get the order wrong or substitute stuff if they haven't got it. Plus, our chosen supermarket doesn't offer home delivery.
DeleteLuckily, I have four supermarkets/dept. stores within relatively close proximity to me. Therefore, none of them are packed at rush hour because everyone has a chance to pick from a plethora of poisons. However, should I ever have to venture into a WalMart (which I avoid at all costs), I am subjected to the worst of humanity. I don't know how bad it is in the UK, but in the US, we reward incredibly obese people by giving them motorized carts to roll around in. These things are the bane of my existence. They don't have spacial awareness because they leave no room for space to exist.
ReplyDeleteNo, we don't have anything quite as bad as that. Our fat people still have to waddle like everyone else, unless they shop at a supermarket which offers home delivery. And let's face it, if they're that fat and lazy, they probably do go for home delivery.
DeleteSpeaking as someone who works in a supermarket, I really wish these rules were enforceable. It would make my job a heck of a lot easier.
ReplyDeleteAha! You can be our informant inside the industry. Bring down the system from the inside so we can implement our own law!
DeleteThere really are some things that need to be introduced to supermarkets and this is definitely a start. I seem to not have much trouble when I go shopping but there is the occasional problem.
ReplyDeleteThen you're obviously not shopping hard enough! Or you have the common sense to go at a less busy time.
DeleteI would like to add an addendum to the Thou Shalt Not Attend At Busy Times If Thou Art Geriatric rule to also include people wanting to pay using coupons. They take forever to get through the check out line and in most cases are only saving themselves 50 cents*.
ReplyDeleteThat's US cents. I don't know what the equivalent is in your euro-monies. I'll take a guess and say 13 pences.
We don't spend pennies. We merely bash copper into flat, circular shapes, draw a figure on it to denote it's value, then exchange it for goods and services. I know our system may seem barbaric and primitive to you, but there it is.
DeleteCan we hang these at the entrance and at the front of all checkout lines? Holy crap was I filled with rage from number one. There are people so devoid of personal responsibility and empathy and sense of space that they will put the car diagonal to the aisle, and bend over to search each and every product on the bottom shelf. RAGE!!!! Let's set people who don't put down the divider on fire! Wait, not the divider, put the people who do not set down said divider, the person, put the person into flame...Awwww forget it. Just hire someone to go to the store for you.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like you're a level headed sort of person. I'll hire you to go to the store for me.
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