Extreme Survival

Hello, I’m Feral Bob.  For years I have been surviving in the wilderness using only my wits, and copious amounts of my own urine.  Today, I’m here to teach you how to survive some the harshest environments that that bitch mother nature can throw at you.

For example, if you ever end up as the sole survivor of a plane crash, the first thing you need to do is find food.  You need to start cannibalising the other passengers immediately to make sure you have enough sustenance.  Break off a shin bone, fashion it into a blade, and use it to skin their corpses until you have collected all available meat.  Use their skin as meat pouches to carry around your food, their fleshy folds make useful little snack pockets.

It must be hell getting stranded here

Hygiene and fashion is a huge problem when out in the wilderness.  If you crash land on a desert island, you can fashion yourself a pair of awesome trousers out of bamboo, or by using tree bark.  Castaway chique is a great look if you can pull it off.  If you need hair gel, there are various types of moss and bracken that you can squeeze for a rather suitable substitute.  If you can capture a flying squirrel and persuade it to lick your armpits, you have yourself a nice anti-perspirant.  Oh and make sure to snare yourself a large supply of rabbits for use as toilet paper. That’s essential.

Animal attacks are a huge problem in the wild.  See this wound on my arm?  Gouged by a boar, had to close the wound using only toothpicks.  This zipper scar on my chest?  Had to give myself open-heart surgery after eating a whole gaggle’s worth of goose fat.  Replaced it with a pig’s heart, no anaesthetic.  My missing arse cheek?  Shrimp bite that got infected.  I had to amputate it to prevent my legs going septic.  It didn’t matter though because I used my amputated leg to snack on.

You’re also going to need to make yourself a shelter.  If you end up stranded with a fat person, skin them immediately.  Their hide will probably be stretchy enough to make a canvas.  Failing that, you’ll need to acquaint yourself with the art of pit-digging.  Digging a massive pit is not only useful for trapping indigenous animals and children to eat, but it can also provide a great source of shelter.  If you build an underground labyrinth, you’ll be safe from any potential attackers, and might be able to attract your own pet Minotaur.

Up for grabs!

Eventually you’re going to want to think about escaping the island and getting back to civilisation.  Usually, because I have a camera crew and production team following my every move, filming me being all heroic in the wild and stuff.  So I can usually ask them to call in a plane to get me out of trouble.  If you’re planning to be stranded in the wilderness, I’d suggest getting yourself a major network TV show beforehand.  Otherwise, you’re on your own buddy!  Happy hunting.