My Bonfire Night

In lieu of anything funny to write about at the moment (seriously, I'm hitting a massive creative slump at the moment.  If anyone can help me or let me steal their jokes, I'd appreciate it), I thought I'd actually talk to you about my real, actual life, or events within.  Namely, the bonfire night display I attended a couple of days ago.

Now, since I wasn't informed about the Million Mask March that happened across the globe, I ended up at a local fireworks display instead.  The event wasn't put on by the local council or anything.  It was organised and run by the community.  As such, even thought the intentions were there, it was a bit shit.

The advert for the event said that the bonfire would be lit at 5:30, which seemed a little bit early, but nevertheless we endeavoured to arrive on time.  None of that fashionably late business for us.  We usually arrive at things early so that we get first pick of the best food and drink.  So we were at the gate queuing for roughly 5:24 and 32.5 seconds.

The first sign that the evening would go awry should have been plain from the entrance fee.  It was a mere £1.50 for an adult, which seemed like an actual bargain until we gained entry to the grounds.

The field was darker than Ed Gein's little black book.  I always contacted professor Hawking because I thought that light was being sucked out of the universe.  There was 1 children's ride, 1 van selling burgers and hot drinks, and a beer tent which also doubled as a medical pavillion.  You couldn't even get in there because there were a thousand people trying to suck the only Foster's tap dry.  Se we were left to wander around aimlessly in the dark while the DJ pumped out his collection of 3 whole songs on repeat through tinny speakers.

Fireworks: The campest way to blow stuff up

Seriously though, the DJ only had a handful of songs, all of which contained the word "fire".  We had the god of hell fire, your sex is on fire, and some Eminem song where he mentions a fire.  I couldn't believe he missed some of the classic fire-related songs, such as Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire, Danger High Voltage (Fire In The Disco), or Ring Of Fire.  Such classics cannot be ignored.

Regardless, we listened to crappy music in the cold rainy rain until 6:30, when they finally decided to light the bonfire.  Or at least, they lit half the bonfire.  Perhaps it was too soggy by this point, but half the pile refused to burn, or even catch fire.  So we stood and watched the lopsided flames lap at our faces since the wind was blowing it towards the crowd.  Shortly after we got bored of this, an announcement was made to say the fireworks display would be starting in 2 minutes.

At 7:30, the fireworks were on the verge of beginning.  Since there were no lights, the guys running the show just used the headlights from their vans.  A professional outfit this most certainly wasn't.  One of the guys accidentally managed to light a firework while holding it, so had to throw it away where it exploded near some bushes.

Shortly after, the fireworks officially began.  While they meant well, the people putting on the show had clearly overreached themselves.  The display lasted for nearly half an hour on it's own, and some of the fireworks were huge.  They were, however, very cheap, with many of them exploding less than twenty foot in the air.  Some didn't even take off and exploded on the floor.  One particular firework went completely off course and actually hit a member of the crowd.  A spectator was badly injured and had to be lifted to the beer tent for treatment.  A paramedic and an ambulance arrived on the scene shortly.  It turned out to be quite a disaster.  Oh, I also scoulded my mouth on hot chocolate and haven't been able to taste anything for two days.

So it was truly a bonfire night to remember in terms of it's utter shitness.  Remember remember the 5th of November, crap music, injury and hot chocolate.