The Criminal

22/11/13:

I'm sorry to send this email out to the entire office, but it appears that we have a criminal in our midst.  A poo criminal. 

Some twisted individual has evacuated their bowels on the bathroom floor.  They have made virtually no attempt to aim this at the bowl.  As a result, I am treating this as a malicious act.  Dirty protests like this will not be tolerated.  If anything like this happens again, a full and frank investigation will be conducted and the culprit will be bought to justice.  Let this be a warning to you.

23/11/13:

Obviously, the poo criminal took my comments yesterday as an act of war.  When I opened the stall door today, I was greeted by a neatly placed turd on top of the cistern, adorned with a photograph of me on top.

Someone clearly thinks that unhygenic tomfoolery like this is acceptable.  As a result, I am launching an inquisition to find out whose behind is behind is.  Whoever you are, you will be bought before an employment tribunal for this.  If I had my way I'd rub your nose in it too.

Don't you open that bathroom door!  Because there's something in there!

24/11/13:

This seriously needs to stop.  The poopritrator must have thought it was highly amusing to drop bladder potatoes all over my car.  My open sunroof and cream upholstry didn't find it so hilarious.

I have taken a sample for DNA testing purposes.  I ask that all employees submit to a saliva swab this lunchtime.

25/11/13:

I am typing this email from a brand new PC.  I'm not informing you all in order to show off, but as the latest part of the ongoing shit saga that has engulfed this office.  My cubicle was coated in a thick layer of poonut butter, rendering my PC useless.  The IT department refused to touch it, and they now think I'm some sort of psychopath.  I mean, seriously, who sneaks into work early to crap on a colleague's PC.  You have severe mental issues.

26/11/13:

The herculean effort that this individual is going to is beyond a joke.  Last night I got home only to find a trail of ploplets leading up my garden path.  My front door handle was smeared in the foulest bum gravy I've ever seen.  I had to enter the house by the back door to avoid touching it.

However, the poofender had left another nasty little surprise.  They had managed to poo at a 180 degree angle straight through my letterbox.  This shard didn't even touch the sides, but exploded on my welcome mat like a dirty bomb.  My hallway had been repainted an angry brown, flecked with red and full of undigested chunks.  We're not just talking sweetcorn.  There were whole peas and carrots lining my walls like disgusting border patterns.

The DNA results will be back soon.  This is now a matter for the police and I will be escalating it appropriately.

27/11/13:

I don't know how you got into my house last night.  I awoke this morning to find that someone had left a tidy, curled up poo on every surface in my house.  My dining room table, my marble work surfaces, even my Microsoft Surface which has actually increased my desirability to touch it.  This is getting out of control.  I will not tolerate these kind of personal attacks on my house and family!

A surface to poo on

28/11/13:

It is with a heavy heart that I am handing in my notice.  Whoever is responsible for this digestive assault has gone too far this time.  My whole house has now been coated in the stuff, rendering it uninhabitable.  My pebbledashed driveway is now double pebbledashed.  The stench is unbearable.  I am leaving town in order to avoid this poodetta against me.  I'd like to thank all of my nice colleagues who haven't assaulted me with their fecal matter over the past few years, and I'll miss you all equally.  Goodbye.