Friday 29 November 2013

The Criminal

22/11/13:

I'm sorry to send this email out to the entire office, but it appears that we have a criminal in our midst.  A poo criminal. 

Some twisted individual has evacuated their bowels on the bathroom floor.  They have made virtually no attempt to aim this at the bowl.  As a result, I am treating this as a malicious act.  Dirty protests like this will not be tolerated.  If anything like this happens again, a full and frank investigation will be conducted and the culprit will be bought to justice.  Let this be a warning to you.

23/11/13:

Obviously, the poo criminal took my comments yesterday as an act of war.  When I opened the stall door today, I was greeted by a neatly placed turd on top of the cistern, adorned with a photograph of me on top.

Someone clearly thinks that unhygenic tomfoolery like this is acceptable.  As a result, I am launching an inquisition to find out whose behind is behind is.  Whoever you are, you will be bought before an employment tribunal for this.  If I had my way I'd rub your nose in it too.

Don't you open that bathroom door!  Because there's something in there!

24/11/13:

This seriously needs to stop.  The poopritrator must have thought it was highly amusing to drop bladder potatoes all over my car.  My open sunroof and cream upholstry didn't find it so hilarious.

I have taken a sample for DNA testing purposes.  I ask that all employees submit to a saliva swab this lunchtime.

25/11/13:

I am typing this email from a brand new PC.  I'm not informing you all in order to show off, but as the latest part of the ongoing shit saga that has engulfed this office.  My cubicle was coated in a thick layer of poonut butter, rendering my PC useless.  The IT department refused to touch it, and they now think I'm some sort of psychopath.  I mean, seriously, who sneaks into work early to crap on a colleague's PC.  You have severe mental issues.

26/11/13:

The herculean effort that this individual is going to is beyond a joke.  Last night I got home only to find a trail of ploplets leading up my garden path.  My front door handle was smeared in the foulest bum gravy I've ever seen.  I had to enter the house by the back door to avoid touching it.

However, the poofender had left another nasty little surprise.  They had managed to poo at a 180 degree angle straight through my letterbox.  This shard didn't even touch the sides, but exploded on my welcome mat like a dirty bomb.  My hallway had been repainted an angry brown, flecked with red and full of undigested chunks.  We're not just talking sweetcorn.  There were whole peas and carrots lining my walls like disgusting border patterns.

The DNA results will be back soon.  This is now a matter for the police and I will be escalating it appropriately.

27/11/13:

I don't know how you got into my house last night.  I awoke this morning to find that someone had left a tidy, curled up poo on every surface in my house.  My dining room table, my marble work surfaces, even my Microsoft Surface which has actually increased my desirability to touch it.  This is getting out of control.  I will not tolerate these kind of personal attacks on my house and family!

A surface to poo on

28/11/13:

It is with a heavy heart that I am handing in my notice.  Whoever is responsible for this digestive assault has gone too far this time.  My whole house has now been coated in the stuff, rendering it uninhabitable.  My pebbledashed driveway is now double pebbledashed.  The stench is unbearable.  I am leaving town in order to avoid this poodetta against me.  I'd like to thank all of my nice colleagues who haven't assaulted me with their fecal matter over the past few years, and I'll miss you all equally.  Goodbye.

22 comments:

  1. I'm...I'm not entirely sure what happened here. It wouldn't take long for something like this to drive me insane.

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    Replies
    1. Indeed. Poo criminals are far more devious than normal criminals.

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  2. When I worked in an office building in manchester (which was subsequently used for the BBC's short lived sci-fi drama Paradox in which Tazmin Outhwaite would sit on what used to be MY desk!!) we suffered the horrific attentions of THE PHANTOM SHIT SMEARER. The ladies lav on the top floor would have poo smudged all over the walls, the sinks blocked up with paper towels and the hot water left running for hours. This resulted in flooding all down the fire escape. The effects of this made our rickety old building resemble a scene from the Poseidon Adventure... this is where the term SinkingShip_UK was first coined.

    True story.

    We later found out who the culprit was.......

    Her name was Riz. She was a nutjob.

    I don't think anybody ever told Tazmin.

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    Replies
    1. Wow, you actually caught a poo criminal? Did you find it Apoosing? I hope they got a harsh sentence. Namely a poo moustache.

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  3. I'm beginning to believe that the culprit might be closer to you than suspect. Your alter ego is a turd, and is trying to punish you for something. I fear unless you go to a shrink and heal the schism in your psyche you will continue to have scatological problems.

    Or some coworker with a talented sphincter just hates you.

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    Replies
    1. I think it's option 2. My sphincter isn't skillful enough to send a poo through a letterbox.

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  4. A long tine ago I used to work offshore in the oil game. I was on a supply ship once and someone not only managed to block one of the toilets but also managed to break the flush so it was jammed on, but rather than tell one of the crew they ran off. Hours later someone discovered it and by then there was a lot of water although it did not sink the ship, but there were some seriously angry crew members looking daggers at everyone else. We never did find out who it was and I would have been really annoyed it the ship had sunk as the result of a blocked loo.

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    1. You almost ended up with a poop deck. HAHAHAHAHA-oh wait that's boats. Carry on then!

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  5. This is quite pooplexing, a case of poodunit. I'm beginning to believe that it could be a split personality, your very own Tyler Turden, so to speak.

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  6. It wouldn't take me that long to quit. As soon as the terrorist act of putting my picture on top of a poo on top of a cistern appeared, I'd be out. Now I'm wondering, though, could I muster enough force to toss a turd out for distance and accuracy to get it in a letterbox? I'll report my findings at a later date.

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    Replies
    1. Be sure to test this on your neighbour's letterbox and not your own.

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  7. I had the unfortunate experience of finding that someone had pooed next to the toilet at work once. I don't even know how they managed to aim like that! There's not really that much space between the toilet and the cubicle wall!

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    Replies
    1. It's amazing, it really is. It's a triumph of the human spirit.

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  8. The poo puns in this are just magical, plus I've learned so many wonderful terms for poo. Consider them added to my vocabulary.

    Did you even find out who dunnit? "I know, let's just use that Microsoft Surface and Bing the answer!" ... said nobody ever.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. I'm rather partial to "bladder potatoes" myself. The culprit was never bought to justice. The victim refused to testify.

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  9. No joke, a similar thing happened in my school! x

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    1. Did they leave a poo with someone's photo on top? That's purely psychopathic. I'm surprised you got out alive.

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  10. That sounds like an impoosible situation to be in. Good thing you got out of there.

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    Replies
    1. It was like Mission Impossible, only with more poo, no Tom Cruise, and no cool theme tune. In fact, I've seen Mission Impossible so I don't really know if there are any similarities or not. Bad comparison really.

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  11. wow! the shit really hit the fan, eh? whoever did that to you is an utter arsehole! excuse my foul language but this behaviour really stinks.

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    Replies
    1. I can't believe I didn't think of the shit hitting the fan pun. I feel like I have failed you in some way.

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