Badder Than The Bard

One figure stands alone at the pinnacle of all artistic endeavour. You all know his name, but what is it that makes him such an enduring institution amongst artists, writers and thespians alike? Is it the fact that he invented over 1000 of the commonly used words we take for granted today? Is it the way in which he summed up the ultimate question so succinctly with the phrase "to be or not to be?" Is it that you can shorten his name to Willy Shakes, which also describes the act of dislodging those last remaining urine drops from a chap's chappie? No, it's the fact that every actor has to master this bloody Shakespere git in order to earn a crust.

In the world of tights and stage fights, one needs to pay ol' Shakey some lip service before one can achieve anything. This ritualistic worship is widely regarded as the most challenging phrase of any aspiring actor's life. Like learning to make love, one must learn to harness the Bard's prose to maximum effect.

Tha man that all schoolkids hate

While I achieved this status many moons ago when I allowed a gawping audience to view my meaty Hamlet, many actors have been driven insane by this frightful task. A university chum of mine, Christopher Umbridge-Niles-Tomkinson, now likes to be called Mercutio, and wastes away the hours by biting his thumb at the postman. Such a shame.

However, all of this is naught when compared with a much stronger work that I am currently embroiled in. I am studying something much more absorbing than Shakespere. It's badder than The Bard in every possible sense, and as an actor, I am giving my soul to the role.

The scriptwriter is unheard of, even amongst acting circles. He is a fringe writer who I sincerely believe, is taking character development to whole other circle of hell. I've spent three years in character so far, which is tough since my character is that of a drunken wife-beater who sodomises tree trunks along popular rambling routes. But my dedication to my craft is absolute, despite the many curfews and suspended sentences that have been placed upon me. Once we have seen this through, the writer and myself shall be seen as visionaries. That, you can be sure of.

What exactly is it about this piece that is so challenging? It's tough to describe to people who aren't actors, or lesser actors, or even good ones like Benedict Cumberbatch. It takes acting to a far darker place than ever before, and that's why we always rehearse in the dark. If your facial expressions cannot ring through the pitch blackness of night, then you will not do this work justice. I have taken up a secret acting dojo in the woods, an abandoned shack where the windows are boarded up. The used needles scattered across the ground certainly keep you on your toes, and trying to remember your lines while being tested for a variety of blood diseases is the strongest test that my acting chops have ever faced.

I know you're wondering what could possibly be more challenging than a delightful bit of "Now is the winter of our discontent". On that you will have to trust me until you've seen my performance. When I tread those boards, my acting methods will absolve me of all crimes. I will be thesping it up for my own freedom.

The drama masks represent happiness and sadness, just two of the three emotions that actors must master (the other being hunger).

Soon enough you will be able to witness this for yourselves. The last 1095 days of blood, sweat and more blood (because real actors don't cry) will finally be available to the discerning public.  I'm telling you in advance so that you may clear your social calendar and witness history being written before your eyes. You know the moon landing? It will be as significant as that, only with better sets.

That's why I invite you to watch Hollyoaks next Thursday. There, you will see me as playing Bystander 3, whose horrendous gasp as a main character is knocked down by a speeding car, will undoubtedly steal the show and redefine gasping in one fell swoop. Episode #20135 will go down in the history books as the one which changed everything.  Make sure you tune in!