Monday 11 November 2013

Badder Than The Bard

One figure stands alone at the pinnacle of all artistic endeavour. You all know his name, but what is it that makes him such an enduring institution amongst artists, writers and thespians alike? Is it the fact that he invented over 1000 of the commonly used words we take for granted today? Is it the way in which he summed up the ultimate question so succinctly with the phrase "to be or not to be?" Is it that you can shorten his name to Willy Shakes, which also describes the act of dislodging those last remaining urine drops from a chap's chappie? No, it's the fact that every actor has to master this bloody Shakespere git in order to earn a crust.

In the world of tights and stage fights, one needs to pay ol' Shakey some lip service before one can achieve anything. This ritualistic worship is widely regarded as the most challenging phrase of any aspiring actor's life. Like learning to make love, one must learn to harness the Bard's prose to maximum effect.

Tha man that all schoolkids hate


While I achieved this status many moons ago when I allowed a gawping audience to view my meaty Hamlet, many actors have been driven insane by this frightful task. A university chum of mine, Christopher Umbridge-Niles-Tomkinson, now likes to be called Mercutio, and wastes away the hours by biting his thumb at the postman. Such a shame.

However, all of this is naught when compared with a much stronger work that I am currently embroiled in. I am studying something much more absorbing than Shakespere. It's badder than The Bard in every possible sense, and as an actor, I am giving my soul to the role.

The scriptwriter is unheard of, even amongst acting circles. He is a fringe writer who I sincerely believe, is taking character development to whole other circle of hell. I've spent three years in character so far, which is tough since my character is that of a drunken wife-beater who sodomises tree trunks along popular rambling routes. But my dedication to my craft is absolute, despite the many curfews and suspended sentences that have been placed upon me. Once we have seen this through, the writer and myself shall be seen as visionaries. That, you can be sure of.

What exactly is it about this piece that is so challenging? It's tough to describe to people who aren't actors, or lesser actors, or even good ones like Benedict Cumberbatch. It takes acting to a far darker place than ever before, and that's why we always rehearse in the dark. If your facial expressions cannot ring through the pitch blackness of night, then you will not do this work justice. I have taken up a secret acting dojo in the woods, an abandoned shack where the windows are boarded up. The used needles scattered across the ground certainly keep you on your toes, and trying to remember your lines while being tested for a variety of blood diseases is the strongest test that my acting chops have ever faced.

I know you're wondering what could possibly be more challenging than a delightful bit of "Now is the winter of our discontent". On that you will have to trust me until you've seen my performance. When I tread those boards, my acting methods will absolve me of all crimes. I will be thesping it up for my own freedom.

The drama masks represent happiness and sadness, just two of the three emotions that actors must master (the other being hunger).


Soon enough you will be able to witness this for yourselves. The last 1095 days of blood, sweat and more blood (because real actors don't cry) will finally be available to the discerning public.  I'm telling you in advance so that you may clear your social calendar and witness history being written before your eyes. You know the moon landing? It will be as significant as that, only with better sets.

That's why I invite you to watch Hollyoaks next Thursday. There, you will see me as playing Bystander 3, whose horrendous gasp as a main character is knocked down by a speeding car, will undoubtedly steal the show and redefine gasping in one fell swoop. Episode #20135 will go down in the history books as the one which changed everything.  Make sure you tune in!

18 comments:

  1. Will you be gasping at the horrendousnessnessness of the car accident or is your gasping actually horrendous? If you made an audible sound did you get paid according to the rules of Equity? It used to be £75 if you were heard on screen and only £25 if you were forced to mime badly in the background.
    Being a retired Thespian myself I am forced to wear the regulation cravat and constantly harp on about how my days "treading the boards" were glorious times and everyone was called darling.

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    1. Ahhh a fellow artiste (the e is very important). For my appearance I was given a free lunch at the cafeteria. If they decide to use my gasp, I may get a cheque in the post. Although, I have reason to believe that they cut out my dramatic drop to my knees and the "NNNNOOOOOOOOO!". Shame, as I felt it really added to the scene.

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  2. Congratulations on redefining thespianism. But let me ask, how do you sodomize a tree? Do you have to uproot it? You can't just pick any knothole. This is why I carry a woodpecker with me at all times.

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    1. You have create your own point of entry. Have you heard of the indian Jird? It can perform 500 pelvic thrusts a minute. Basically, that's me in slow mo.

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  3. Who says there's no place for Willy Shakes any more? *gasp* What headlight through yonder windshield breaks? It is the eastbound and most likely the result of a glare from the sun.

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    1. Haha! I might suggest that as alternate dialogue. I demand a reshoot!

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  4. As an up and coming thespian/writer/director/producer/fluffer (creating award winning* short films**) I can only say bravo, good sir. Bravo. Keep the craft alive, so that people like Eggs-Benedict Cumberbun may have a name in everyone's household.

    *my mother - 'wow, I didn't hate it.'
    **webseries on Youtube that we hope at least 2,000 people will see

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    1. I only got this gig as practice for a part in your webseries. That's where all the true actors strive to be. I've already had to kneecap Brad Pitt to stop him from auditioning.

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  5. I now know two people who have been on Hollyoaks. Or will once the episode airs that is. This is also assuming you don't get a cease and desist for spoiling the episode. This is just the beginning. We all know that the best actors are the ones who make the most out of their roles. You can take this role and run with it, and be a main character within seconds and the King of Hollywood in a matter of hours.

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    1. That's if I'm lucky. By 9:30 I could be in rehab. With any luck, tomorrow I'll be in the comeback phrase, chatting to folk about my drink and drug hell. By Thursday I might get my lifetime achievement award.

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  6. DAMN, right up to the end I thought you were hoping to play the lead role in Rob Z Tobor the movie as produced and directed by Steven Spielberg and his brother Ice. I did at one point think you might just mention that old classic Shakespeare film the one he wrote using only twenty three words . . . .The Good, the Bard and the Ugly.

    I have to say Bystander 3 sounds like a cool name for a spin off series maybe about life on a space station where each week you will be looking out into space gasping as aliens swoop down and wave in a friendly manner.

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    1. Well I kind of figured that I was a shoe-in for the lead in your movie. I was going to turn up on the first day of shooting anyway. I thought that's the kind of unspoken bond we have.

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  7. I've heard that William Shakespeare was just a pseudonym and actually wasn't a man, but in reality was a female armadillo. I don't know if that changes your acting strategy or not but I thought you should know.

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    1. I've been adopting this knowledge into my acting method for quite some time. Just last year I was playing Romeo and, just before the death scene (spoiler) I curled up into a ball. Everyone thought it was marvellous until my spine seized up, and I had to spend two months in traction. Ruined the run of the play and many production people lost thousands, but it was all worth it for that glorious snippet of acting.

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  8. That was a lucky audience to be treated to a meaty hamlet x

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    1. Yes, trying to give a few thousand patrons a portion of Hamlet at the London Palladium is a challenge. Let it be said that I am big on fan service.

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  9. All you need to do to become like Benedict Cumberpatch is get a sweet British accent, dress well, and get cheekbones like him.

    Mmmm... Those cheekbones....

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    1. He has cheekbones that can slice bacon. That's really all you need to be a successful actor.

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