I like to think that, after 5 years of cohabiting, we’re reasonably professional when we visit the supermarket. We hardly ever make a list, but we always have a good idea of what we want and how much we expect to pay for it. This makes the woeful ineptitude of other shoppers highly irritating. Since we need food in order to survive, we spend roughly an hour a week navigating mazes of lost shoppers and getting angrier at human civilisation.
In order to vent some of this frustration, I have devised a list of supermarket that everyone should adhere to. Think of this as a sort of constitution that only applies in Morrisons (or Wal Mart for those of you overseas).
1. Thou Shalt Not Block Aisles
This is a fundamental, basic courtesy that all shoppers should already know. If you want to stop and look at the shiny products on display, don’t park your trolley at a 90 degree angle. Don’t stand in the middle of an aisle, two abreast, scratching your head over which tin of cat food is likely to postpone Mr. Tiddle’s death by 3 seconds. I’m 3 seconds closer to the grave myself, just waiting for you to move to the side. It is my right to glide around the supermarket like it’s Swan fucking Lake, and anyone who gets in my way deserves a swift smack round the head.
2. Thou Shalt Not Attend At Busy Times If Thou Art Geriatric
Old people have an insistence on visiting the supermarket during peak periods (mainly evenings after work and Saturdays). Even though they have the entire day to do their shopping, they always choose the two hour slot when families and working people flock to their nearest store.
I’m trying to stave off starvation in my household for another week. Every day is a constant battle. I don’t need some pensioner slowing me down as he shuffles around like a depressed Roomba. The elderly and infirm are invited to attend the supermarket on any weekday morning or afternoon, and all day Sunday if they wish. I have no problem with them buying a single Fray Bentos pie every day as long as they stick to their allotted times.
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| This tin of beans is the most interesting thing I have ever seen! |
3. Thy Kids Are Idiots
Don’t let your child push the trolley. Don’t let them fight with plastic swords in the aisles. Don’t start feeding them sweets at the checkout to shut them up. Find someone to babysit for an hour instead and don’t subject them to the boredom of the fluorescent hellscape that is Tesco.
However, if you must bring your brat with you for whatever reason, don’t indulge them and let them run amok and terrorise everyone. Kids have the spatial awareness of a drunk Cyclops, and will constantly crash into everyone and carefully stacked displays.
4. Know What Thy Want Before Thy Enter
Seriously, no one needs you to stand around and debate the calorie counts of two products to yourself. We don’t have time for you to deliberate which evening you’re going to eat that microwavable horsemeat curry. You’re just taking up valuable room on the shop floor, or as I call it, the killing field.
5. Thou Shalt Pull Thy Trolley Forward At The Checkout
Again, this is a matter of courtesy. Until that blissfully unaware cocknocker in front moves his trolley forward, I can’t unload my shopping onto the conveyor belt. This slows the whole process down and means that I can’t pack while my stuff is being scanned. This then affects the person behind, and the person behind them, and will go on until the end of time where the human race will be trapped in supermarket queues with no hope of escape.
6. Thou Shalt Put The Next Customer Divider Behind Your Shopping
This one is a small thing but, unless you want to pay for my shopping as well, put the divider down when you’ve finished. I can’t reach them as you’re blocking them with your worthless mass.
If you have any other matters of shopping rage you wish to address, let me know in the comments below. Together, we can make the supermarket a place where glorious things can happen. And yes, these problems are very important and just as valid as third world hunger.
