Happy House Hunting

One of the questions that I sadly never get asked is “are you available to photograph the women’s topless pogo championship?”  The answer to which is an emphatic yes.  It’s always yes.  Another question which sadly fails to crop up in natural conversation is “what advice do you have on finding the perfect property?”  Well, I am a professional house hunter.  I used to be a regular hunter, but had to give that up after a particularly nasty snail bite got infected.  I have transitioned from hunting wolverines in the wild to the white-collar world of real estate.  That may sound like an odd career change, but the worlds of real estate and slaughtering defenseless animals aren’t as exclusive as they may first appear.  Here are my top tips for securing your perfect home.

1)  Preparation is important.  When you go house hunting, always make sure that you are prepared for any eventuality.  Always carry a hunting knife strapped to your shin in case you need to cut through a piece of skirting board and inspect for asbestos.  They are also great for negotiating with.  Make sure you have a torch handy for exploring the dark crevasses of the property’s foundations, or to inspect the attic for any tasty mice or bats.  A camping stove can help you in case you accidentally get locked inside the property due to a faulty lock, and can also be used to test out smoke alarms.

2)  Make sure that you understand the area.  What are the schools like nearby?  Are there decent links into the city centre?  What kind of game am I likely to spot over at the watering hole?  When does mating season generally begin?  All of these questions will help you get a picture of your surroundings and what to expect when you move in.  Your estate agent should be happy to supply this information.

3)  Always choose a house with at least two storeys.  Their height can offer a significant vantage point from the roof.

I'm hunting two bed semi detached properties with jack and jill bathrooms, be vewy vewy qwiet.

4)  When it comes to putting an offer in on a property, you have to wait for the opportune moment before you strike.  Picture the situation; you have a house in your sights.  The house is unaware of your presence and sips nonchalantly from a small spring.  You need to close in quietly to get a better shot and take this sucker down, but if you move too quickly you will startle it.  So you creep closer, keeping your feet close to the ground and trying to keep a low centre of gravity.  You tread too heavily and the dry grass rustles underfoot.  The house looks up with alarm.  Your heart is in your mouth, pounding away, betraying your position with its rhythmic thrusting.  You pause, hoping to God that it hasn’t spotted you.  The house glances around, but cannot see any danger, so returns to the refreshing pond.  Mopping a bead of sweat from your brow you begin your approach once more, trying to stay out of sight.  However, as you glance right, you notice some other house hunters in the grass around, all approaching the same target.  One of them fires too early, misses the target completely, and sends it running for its life across the Serengeti.  Another hunter takes a shot and strikes a hit, but the shot wasn’t clean and the house is only wounded.  Now the house is limping and starting to bleed out. This is opportune moment for you to put in an offer of £525 PCM with only one month’s rent deposit!  Bargain!

5)  If you want to sell or rent your property to others, make sure you lay snares all over the front lawn to snag those potential buyers.

Follow these tips and you’ll be crowned king of the real estate market in no time.  At that point, you’ll have to fight me, the current real estate king, for mating rights and territory.  Good luck with that!