Monday 11 August 2014

Happy House Hunting


One of the questions that I sadly never get asked is “are you available to photograph the women’s topless pogo championship?”  The answer to which is an emphatic yes.  It’s always yes.  Another question which sadly fails to crop up in natural conversation is “what advice do you have on finding the perfect property?”  Well, I am a professional house hunter.  I used to be a regular hunter, but had to give that up after a particularly nasty snail bite got infected.  I have transitioned from hunting wolverines in the wild to the white-collar world of real estate.  That may sound like an odd career change, but the worlds of real estate and slaughtering defenseless animals aren’t as exclusive as they may first appear.  Here are my top tips for securing your perfect home.

1)  Preparation is important.  When you go house hunting, always make sure that you are prepared for any eventuality.  Always carry a hunting knife strapped to your shin in case you need to cut through a piece of skirting board and inspect for asbestos.  They are also great for negotiating with.  Make sure you have a torch handy for exploring the dark crevasses of the property’s foundations, or to inspect the attic for any tasty mice or bats.  A camping stove can help you in case you accidentally get locked inside the property due to a faulty lock, and can also be used to test out smoke alarms.

2)  Make sure that you understand the area.  What are the schools like nearby?  Are there decent links into the city centre?  What kind of game am I likely to spot over at the watering hole?  When does mating season generally begin?  All of these questions will help you get a picture of your surroundings and what to expect when you move in.  Your estate agent should be happy to supply this information.

3)  Always choose a house with at least two storeys.  Their height can offer a significant vantage point from the roof.

I'm hunting two bed semi detached properties with jack and jill bathrooms, be vewy vewy qwiet.

4)  When it comes to putting an offer in on a property, you have to wait for the opportune moment before you strike.  Picture the situation; you have a house in your sights.  The house is unaware of your presence and sips nonchalantly from a small spring.  You need to close in quietly to get a better shot and take this sucker down, but if you move too quickly you will startle it.  So you creep closer, keeping your feet close to the ground and trying to keep a low centre of gravity.  You tread too heavily and the dry grass rustles underfoot.  The house looks up with alarm.  Your heart is in your mouth, pounding away, betraying your position with its rhythmic thrusting.  You pause, hoping to God that it hasn’t spotted you.  The house glances around, but cannot see any danger, so returns to the refreshing pond.  Mopping a bead of sweat from your brow you begin your approach once more, trying to stay out of sight.  However, as you glance right, you notice some other house hunters in the grass around, all approaching the same target.  One of them fires too early, misses the target completely, and sends it running for its life across the Serengeti.  Another hunter takes a shot and strikes a hit, but the shot wasn’t clean and the house is only wounded.  Now the house is limping and starting to bleed out. This is opportune moment for you to put in an offer of £525 PCM with only one month’s rent deposit!  Bargain!

5)  If you want to sell or rent your property to others, make sure you lay snares all over the front lawn to snag those potential buyers.

Follow these tips and you’ll be crowned king of the real estate market in no time.  At that point, you’ll have to fight me, the current real estate king, for mating rights and territory.  Good luck with that!


14 comments:

  1. Dear Addman,
    I followed your advice, stalking a quaint little duplex in the country, but my aim was not true, I ended up fatally wounding the adjacent duplex which was already occupied. It threw its owner and now the duplex I wanted is dragging around this dead duplex. It's like I murdered one of a conjoined twin and left the other to wiggle around with the carcass like an even more macabre Weekend At Bernie's.
    My question to you is, should I put the duplex out of its misery or should I just move on to murdering a condo of my dreams?
    Sincerely,
    Internet Idiot

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If there's one thing I've learned through the unrelenting slaughter of swathes of animals, it's that you don't want to get stuck cleaning up the mess. let nature take it's course and reclaim the blood, chunks of flesh and internal organs. It's the circle of life.

      In your case, I reckon you should deny all responsibility and run away.

      Delete
  2. The amazing thing is these are actually very good tips for buying a house. In a way. I've never actually seen a house in the wild. I've heard tales but they never show them on nature documentaries. I guess that they don't want people to realise that houses are alive or vegans and hippies won't want to live in them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. David Attenborough was caught wrestling with a family of wild houses in the 70's . The BBC wouldn't air it because it was considered "too dangerous".

      Delete
  3. What if I specifically want HAUNTED house?

    Do these same rules apply?

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    Replies
    1. Yes, but replace the hunting knife with a vacuum cleaner for sucking up ghosts.

      Delete
  4. I speared the house of my dreams, and inadvertently hit its water heater, which exploded. The damage is irreparable. The homeowner says that now I HAVE to buy the house, but I don't want to buy a house with no water heater and severe water damage. Should I spear him too?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spears? What kind of namby-pamby, primitive hunter are you? You need a .22 caliber rifle with a magnified scope. It's the only way to snag your dream home.

      Delete
  5. I snagged a particularly wily house in the suburbs. Though, I already owned a home. So I cut the front off the house, brought it to a taxidermist, and hung the front of the house on a plaque in my home.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. House taxidermy is a sadly neglected hobby. The last practitioner was Lawrence Llewellen-Bowen.

      Delete
  6. That knife also comes in handy if they refuse your first offer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what they say; He who lives by the sword gets a better interest rate on his mortgage.

      Delete
  7. Well all I can say is its curtains for the house. . . . HAH HA hahah ah ha hah ha h h ha hah ha ha ha ha hahah ah ah ah ahahah ahah ahah ah hahahahha ha hah.

    It also explains why so many are called Green Acres.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope this post rocked you to your foundations. HAHAHAHAHA!

      Delete

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