Thank You For Calling 999

-Hello, and welcome to 999, the number one destination for the sick, dying and easily panicked.  Please select the type of emergency service you require.  Press 1 for the police, 2 for an ambulance, 3 for the fire service, 4 for the AA, 5 for the coast guard, 6 for the inland guard, or 7 for mummy.

-You have selected 2 for an ambulance.  Is this correct?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.

-You have selected 1 to confirm.  Is this correct?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 to-

-You have selected 1.  Connecting you to the emergency ambulance service.

*Hold music: Blue Oyster Cult – Don’t Fear The Reaper*

-You have been connected to the emergency ambulance.  Please press 1 to continue.

-Thank you.  In order to determine the nature of your problem and tailor our service to suit you, please tell us the nature of your emergency.  Press 1 if you have been stabbed.  Press 2 if your chest is tight and your left arm is numb.  Press 3 if you have been involved in a hit and run.  Press 4 if your penis has been removed in a jealous rage. Press 5 if-

-You have accidentally inserted a broom handle into your urethra.  Is this correct?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.

-You have cancelled.  Are you sure that you haven’t inserted a broom handle into your urethra?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 cancel.

-You have pressed 1 to confirm.  Are you trying to confirm the cancellation, or confirming that you have a broom handle in your urethra?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.

-Thank you.  In order to determine the nature of your problem and tailor our service to suit you, please tell us the nature of your emergency.  Press 1 if you have been stabbed.  Press 2 if your chest is-

-You have selected heart attack.  Is this correct?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 to cancel.

-Thank you.  Would you like an ambulance as soon as possible?  Press 1 to confirm or 2 to-

-Thank you.  We are currently triangulating your position and sending an ambulance over as soon as possible.  While you wait, would you like to try some troubleshooting steps to stop you from dying?  Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

-You have selected yes.  Please wait…

*Hold music: Elton John & Kiki Dee – Don’t Go Breaking My Heart*

-Hello, you have been transferred to the automated emergency first aid line.  To confirm that you are in need of first aid, please press the # key.  If you are calling because your fingers have been hacked off in a threshing accident, simply emit a blood-curdling scream now…

-Thank you.  Due to the nature of your call, we would suggest that you lie down on your back and breathe deeply.  Please try this and press # when complete.

-Did this help?  Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.

-You have selected no.  Would you like to hear some soothing music?  Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.

-You have selected yes, please wait…

*Hold music:  Moby – Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad*

-Did this help?  Press 1 for yes and 2 for no.

-You have selected no.  In that case, is there someone nearby who can perform CPR?  Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

-You have selected no.  Are you going to die alone?  Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

-You have selected yes.  There, there.  Hang in there buddy.  Do you feel comforted?  Press 1 for yes or 2 for no……….press 1 for yes or 2 for no………..no input received …

-Your call will now be disconnected.  Thank you for calling 999.

Brain Shits - Remixed

Since I've not done one for months, I sat down to write a Brain Shit (stream of conscious post.  See here, here and here for older Brain Shits).  I didn't intend for it to have any sort of narrative whatsoever.  In fact, my Brain Shits usually change focus every paragraph.  However, this one sort of became a short story.

As with all Brain Shits, I didn't set out to write anything in particular and had no themes or prompts in mind before I started writing.  Obviously, I had a certain song in the back of my mind, as you'll no doubt guess when you read it.  This is mostly unedited, only spelling and major grammatical mistakes have been changed.  Please enjoy:

Last night a DJ saved my life.  He performed CPR on me after I had a cardiac arrest.  I wasn’t aware that DJs were trained to deal with emergencies such as these, so I thanked the chap and went about my business.

I felt great.  This was a second chance at life that I thought I’d never get.  I decided to screw it up in a completely different way this time.

Feeling rejuvenated, I decided to start my life right from the beginning.  Mum wasn’t too keen on the idea, so I had to skip the birthing part and skip straight to being a toddler.  I had to pay a woman to wheel me around in a pushchair as I pretended that I couldn’t walk.  I had an argument with a bus driver when he wanted me to pay an adult’s fair.  Didn’t he realise that I was only just starting my second life?  Not like on that computer game, for real!  I called him a “poo poo head” and I paid the full price, grudgingly.

Trouble started when I hit my teens.  I tried to hook up with my school sweetheart, but now she had two kids and a mortgage.  When I went round and invited her to the prom again, her husband kicked me to the ground, even though I promised to have her back before 9.  What a selfish prick.

I realised that I wasn’t getting any acne, so I went to Greggs, bought a palette of their sausage rolls, and rubbed them all over my face.  The grease felt wonderful as it soaked into my pores, but the burning sensation didn’t feel too great.  In fact, I lost several layers of skin.  Luckily, the DJ who had saved my life the other day saw what happened and phoned for an ambulance.  I honestly think I would have died if it wasn’t for his talented scratching finger that was able to quickly dial 999 on his phone.

This being the second time that a DJ saved my life, I decided to start life number 3 from the beginning.  Perhaps this time I might make it past my teenage years.

Unfortunately not.  Being a child in your own flat that you purchased when you were 25 in your previous life is a dangerous world.  There are lots of corners to bang your head on.  I’d also failed to cover the plug sockets with child safety protectors in my last life.  In my new life, I didn’t understand electricity, so I stuck my tongue in there and licked up 240 volts.  If it wasn’t for the fact that a DJ in my building heard my screams and saved my life once again, I might be dead right now.

You’d think after three near deaths I’d have learned my lesson, but no.  I managed to nearly kill myself another three times, once by drinking bleach when playing tea party with my teddies, once by letting a cat sleep on my face, and once by aborting myself before I had a chance to be born.  Those pro-life people have a point, abortion really stings!

On my seventh life I decided to do things right.  I went to school, got an education, got a job as a neurosurgeon, married a wonderful woman, had three great kids, and lived happily ever after.  That was, until I saw a DJ losing his life.  He was in the middle of playing a banging set, when he suddenly collapsed.  There was a pain in his left arm and his chest hurt.

Something about this rang a bell.  I knew what to do, somewhere in the back of mind, but I just couldn’t recall it.  Perhaps I’d seen a similar situation in a past life.  I decided to visit a hypnotist to recall my past lives.  It turns out I was right, I had a heart attack and was saved by a DJ that gave me CPR.  The very same DJ who was dying.  By the time I had rushed back to the scene from the hypnotist’s office (after stopping for a light snack at Big Al’s Massive Meal Barn), he had already passed away.  I feel bad that I wasn’t able to repay the favour.

I went to the funeral.  No one knew how to play any music (he was the only DJ in our town), so we buried him in silence.  Well, except for me who listened to Jamiroquai’s Deeper Underground on my iPod.  It’s what he would have wanted.

Although, I’m now hearing spooky noises around my house.  Someone keeps letting a record skip occasionally, and I’ve seen a white figure on our landing complaining about bass levels.  I think I’m being haunted by a DJ.  Send help!

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Now I'm off for a lobotomy to see if I can make them stop.  See ya!

T – Tofu

What is Tofu?  Yes, yes, I know it’s a meat substitute that’s suitable for vegetarians, but what actually is it?  What is it made of?  Where did it come from?

Tofu is like the dark matter of foodstuff; the Higgs Boson of gastronomy.  We believe it exists and we’re starting to be able to measure it under laboratory conditions, but it’s difficult to describe to someone.  How do you define it?  It’s an unquantifiable chunk of...thing.

As you can tell, there are many questions in my mind regarding tofu.  Is it carbon or silicon based?  Is it grown or created?  Is it healthy or chock full of additives?

I’m sure I could easily find all these answers and more by simply looking at the Wikipedia article for tofu, but that would shatter the mystery for me.  I’m a simple guy with simple pleasures, such as imagining the magical properties of a food which is probably a lot less magical in reality.  I know it’s probably created by adding a load of artificial flavourings into a stock cube of maize extract or something, but I prefer the illusion that it’s a type of natural resource that has to be mined from the Earth’s core in deepest, darkest Borneo.  Perhaps they are created from the yolk of alien eggs that were laid on this planet millennia ago.  That’s much more interesting.

WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU!?!

 Let’s face it, someone needs to liven up tofu.  It’s blander than a BBC4 documentary on sandpaper.  Quorn is just as bad.  Unidentifiable lumps of non-meat that don’t really taste of anything are hardly going to set the world on fire (unless you leave the oven on).  I think I’m the man to liven it up a bit.

Taking a leaf out of PETA’s book (they recently claimed that veganism can improve your sexual prowess), I’m going to start a marketing campaign which tells people that tofu can give them superhuman powers.  Quorn sausages are scientifically guaranteed to give you laser eyes.  A meat-free life will essentially elevate you to the status of a God.

However, that bacon sandwich does look tempting...

Infomercials

I've been wanting to write a literal translations piece on advertisements for a while now, but since it has already been done by somebody much better than I could ever do it, I decided to leave the subject alone. However, the recent influx of informercials hasn't been tackled yet (to my knowledge), so I'll take that one on, thank you very much.

I don't know what television is like in other English speaking countries, but over here, we have government sponsored advertising campaigns for just about every aspect of our lives over here. The majority contain useful lifestyle tips on how not to kill yourself such as "Don't drive like a narcoleptic amputee" or "Narcotics make you act like a twat", which is usually very sensible advice.

Although these adverts contain sensible advice, I do, however, have one major gripe with them as a whole. Now, I'm not trying to suggest that the information they convey is obvious, unnecessary, and downright insulting to those of us who are in possession of a functioning brain stem, but if you, say, took a small child aside and asked him or her if they understood that consuming copious amounts of a mind-altering substance could potentially lead to fatal accidents, you'd be offending their intelligence. Still, this advert was broadcast as a precaution against binge drinking.

But if binge drinking isn't your particular vice, don't worry, because we have a whole sackful of legal stuff that you can't enjoy any more. Take smoking, driving, casual sex, or being a blubbery fatty. Feel guilty, you self indulgent fool? You should do.

In all seriousness, a lot of them carry an important message and are often much better than the usual adverts you see and being sold a bunch of claptrap that you don't need. However, what about the videos that miss the mark? The ones that try to be serious or shocking, but somehow come out amusing or foolish?

Take this advert about talking to our children about alcohol. Sensible message indeed, but I happen to find it absolutely hilarious. The second girl is especially funny when she says "someone will pressure me for 'shecksh' ". Albeit, this might be down to my own immaturity, or the fact that so many of these "shock ads" are on telly these days that I've become totally desensitised to it, but that particular advert strikes me as humorous.

Then you have the Talk To Frank adverts, which usually try and include some oddball humour to discourage drug use. This one is a particularly good example. Notice that there seem to be more positive effects than negative? I'll take a little bit of memory loss if cannabis helps me to be more happy, talkative, and chilled out at the same time. Sounds like a fair a trade off.

I just wish more public information adverts were like this one about using a handkerchief. If more public information adverts were this aloof and inconsequential to everyday living, perhaps I wouldn't feel so god damned guilty all the time. Every time you make a purchase, say something, go anywhere, or do anything, there's an advert to remind you about the dangers of it. Sleep well.

Abandon The NHS

As we discovered last time, the Internet is great place to ask questions about relationships and dating. However, how good is the Internet when it comes to health related queries? As it turns out, I'd rather turn to the wisdom of the World Wide Web than visit a doctor. Take these wonderful examples, again taken from the wonderful service, Yahoo Answers:

A colonic a day...

Why do people in west clean themselves with tissue in toilet?

I mean after excreting feaces from their body.
Doesn't that increases the risk of disease development?
They can use water.

Serious answers please.

Hahaha, those crazy westerners. Why don't they just poo in the sink while the water's running? Much cleaner and safer.

You don't want to know what happens when it reaches 88 degrees...

Soda killing my brain cells?

today as the thermometer boiled over in my car i reached for a radiated can of diet soda to keep hydrated. diet soda contains aspertame, a sweetener that degrades at 86.5 degrees, turning into methanol and formaldehyde. i only took one sip from the can (a tea spoon) and before i drank anymore i tossed the mountain dew to the parking lot and went to a bubbler for water.

right before i took that sip i ate two cold yogurts, and a few minutes after i drank alot of cool water. the can was definitely over 86 degrees. the human body has a core of 98.6 degrees, does this mean all food you swallow eventually reaches this temp? would the pre/post guzzling of yogurt and water bring the dew's temp down in my stomach? do you think this incident killed any brain cells (versus drinking a cold mountain dew)?

He strikes me as the kind of guy who goes to a party and spends half an hour stood in the corner working on his stance and worrying what kind of impression he's giving off to people. An overthinker who is likely to end up stuck at a busy zebra crossing because he's too skittish and can't decide if he has enough time to cross the road. Until the day he dies.

Sports Injury? Not Likely

How can i remove the pain in my wrist?

the other day i was at the gym doing barbell weights, dumbbells, and bench press for my arms. everything was good until i got home. i started feeling a sharp pain every time i shake my arm down (as if i was hammering something) the pain extends from my wrist to halfway through my forearm. also, every time i twist my wrist 360 degrees, it does a soft clack sound (as if i was cracking my finger), but it clacks every single time. my arm does not hurt as long as i don't move it up or down too fast. please tell me what's the problem and how can i fix my wrist and take away the pain. should i take advils, tylenol. please help

You sure you did this through sports? Either way, the Internet will build you a new wrist with hydraulics and cool stuff like that so that you can spank it all day.

Annie Are You OK?

Late taking dinette pill, am i ok? Please answer!!?

I normally take my pill at night around 10pm - 1am. I havn't missed a pill in over 2 months, however i forgot to take mine last night but took it this morning at 11am.

This was the 18th pill in the pack. I'm asking this as my partner is returning home tonight after a long trip. Would I be ok to have sex without extra protection?

Convert to Catholicism, then you're covered.

It's All In The Mind

How to do meditation tat can help in studies?

I'd recommend taking primary English classes again to help with your studies.

Needles In My Mouth Are Painful?

I want too get my tounge peirced does it hurt ?? honest answerss pleaseeeee.?

Honestly? It doesn't hurt at all! Pushing a foreign piece of metal through one of the most sensitive exposed areas of your body with literally millions of nerve receptors in it isn't going to even make you flinch. The agonising pop as it makes its exit through the other side will be nought but a fleeting sensation akin to a bunny rabbit licking your face, exploding in a shower of bubbles, and giving you good luck for the next seven days.

On the negative side, if you get a cold, the phlegm gets trapped underneath it. Enjoy!

Skinny Cow

Why didnt I lose weight?!?

The first week of my diet i ate 600 calories a day and exercised for about an hour a day. I lost seven pounds. This week i ate a little less than 600 cal & i exercised for two hours every day; i lost 1 pound!!! Why?????

Judging by your picture, you're already a slender waif as it is. When you don't have any excess fat to burn off, you don't lose much weight. There will also be some muscle conversion, especially when you're doing two hours exercise a day. Besides, you did lose weight, so that's good for you. Losing seven pounds a week would be very bad for you unless you weigh the same as Meatloaf after a big meal delivering sacks of potatoes in a truck.

Hang on, this response almost sounded serious. I mean I DON'T THINK YOU'RE TRYING HARD ENOUGH!

Motion In The Ocean

Why is my period watery?

I'm a virgin, but my period is very watery. It never was like this before. and also my cramps hurt more than usual.

( i did let my borfriend finger me though.)

Maybe your boyfriend is to blame here. Maybe he is the ingenious supervillain Hydroman, with the power to shoot jets of water from his fingertips up the pensive private parts of nubile young girls. This is all part of his insidious scheme to turn all under 16's into a waddling army of portable water bombs. Or perhaps you're just having a wee.

Death Is Certain

I'm on antibiotics for my skin can i smoke with them?

Bascically the doctor asked me if i smoke and i said no cos it was infront of my mum, does that mean i cant smoke with them...? What will happen if i do.

Wild stab in the dark here, but perhaps he was trying to determine the cause of your complaint? Either way, do people on cigarette packets have nice skin? It might not affect your medication, but you might not shake it.

Best Questionnaire I've Ever Done

Masturbating questions?

ok so i have some questions about masturbating.
im a 12 yr old male, and I havent hit puberty yet but i was wandering
1. Is masturbating good or bad?
2. What age do you have to be before you start masturbating?
3. Will i feel bad after doing it if i do it?
4. Do you have to hit puberty before u can masturbate?
5. *this is embarrasing, but i really want to know* what does it feel like when c** comes out?

thanks

1. Good, Bad, and often, Ugly.
2. If I was on the film age certification board, I'd have to refrain from giving masturbation a PG rating. A 12A might be more suitable.
3. Only if you do it into the dog's food bowl.
4. How many babies do you see having a wank?
5. Like a thousand feathers gliding gently across your bare skin whilst you sit in a space-faring jacuzzi and watch the soothing swirl of the galaxy gently fade out behind you as you reach Valhalla and get to see all of your childhood pets one last time. Like popping an entire sheet of bubblewrap at sunset with Air on the stereo and elephants spraying chilled champagne over you as the crickets chirp to the rhythm in a cacophony of peace and tranquility....Ask your father.

And here, we complete another marvellous foray into the spectacle that is Yahoo Answers. Most of these questions could have been answered with the phrase "See your GP", but we all know that is not as entertaining. Anyway, take care, and if you ever injure yourself or succumb to disease, remember this post and take comfort in the fact that there are caring souls out there that are just a click away. Tally bye.

Carnal Examination

The waiting room was stifling. Bleak, sterilised, placid walls suffocated the enclosed, unhealthy few who were unfortunate enough to have been stricken with illness or injury. A noxious cloud of infirmity and self pity emanated from those patients who were concious enough to convey a facial expression, whilst the others may well already be dead.

Trying to steer my thoughts from the overbearing depression of the waiting room, I had scooped up what appeared to be a customer feedback card. The contents of this held little interest to me, however, with a little help from a nearby pen, the back of this card would provide a small, necessary diversion from the saddening surroundings. I tried to focus on my barely creative scrawls. Doodles of frog-men and various other unnamed creatures and characters adorned the white spaces of my feedback card until I ran out of room for them. After a short scout around underneath a cascading pile of Readers Digests (backdated all the way through the mid 90s), I unearthed a second card and began to fill out again with sketches rather than actual feedback.

Slowly, my thoughts soon began to wander back to what was waiting for me in mere moments. A throat examination, no doubt, due to the inflammation in that area. Without any prior medical expertise, I felt quite confident that I had tonsillitis. But who would be my doctor for the day? Six months ago, I came in with an unknown condition, only to be met by Dr.Mullins. She was everything you could hope for in a trained medical professional; firm yet fair demeanour, a vast display of impressive technical jargon, intimate knowledge of her chosen field, along with a figure that belies her years.

"Mr Killingworth, room 5 please."

Fantastic! Room 5 was Dr. Mullins! I was sure of it!

Tentatively, I made my way down the corridor and stood outside the pale, faded door. I glanced up and down the corridor only to realise that I was alone. Drawing in a shaken breath of air, I raised my clenched fist and knocked on the door of Room 5. Gradually leaning in closer and cocking my head to one side, I awaited my own, personal siren song to lure me in.

"Come."

Almost rattling the door off of it's hinges, I eagerly swung it open to see Dr. Mullins sat at her desk. Memory had almost eroded her physique in my mind; she was more of a woman sat now in front of me than I recalled from a few months previously. Her luxurious dark hair hung authoritatively, yet managed to just tease her shoulders slightly as if it gave a slight insight into a concealed wild side. Her fitted white jacket shaped her contours perfectly, framing the perfect woman right there in front of me.

After what seemed like days of standing there, she looked up from the papers on her desk and over the dark frames of her glasses, finally acknowledging me with the vivid green of her eyes.

"Nice to meat you. Sit down."

I did so, nervously. I don't know why I was so anxious about her, I never usually had this kind of trouble in social situations with members of either gender.

"So, what appears to be the problem?" She quizzed, a flashing me a toothy smile as she spoke and finally producing a friendly tone. I tried to explain the pain in the back of my throat, but I imagine the rasp of my voice gave the problem away long before my words ever did. She instructed me to stand up so she could take a look in my mouth. As I did so, she came around the side of her desk and brushed my cheek with her hand as she reached for my mouth. Startled by this, I backed away and dropped the feedback card I was holding.

"Oh, you dropped this" she said, bending down and revealing more of herself than she probably intended as she kindly picked it up for me.

It's only then that the horror of this situation dawned on me. In the waiting room, I had drawn a rather suggestive illustration of the woman in question, and even labelled it with her name. This sexualised picture was not only inappropriate, but completely put me in an embarrassing situation. As I stared at her in fear I could see her facial expression become altogether more solemn and serious as she studied the diagram in detail.

"I'm sorry! I rasped as I made my way to the door to leave.

"Wait, don't go!" Dr. Mullins commanded, which stopped me just before the door. Why didn't I just leave? There was something compelling in her voice that froze me to the spot.

"I bet you were preying that I wouldn't see this" she supposed as I heard the click of her heels as she approached me from behind. Still unable to turn myself around, I remained rooted to the spot.

Suddenly, something about that last sentence clicked in my mind. Prey? And then earlier... Nice to meat you...the toothy smile. I came to stark realisation.

Ms. Mullins was a man eating, salt water crocodile.

I turned and pushed the beast away from me with both arms. Barging my way out of the door and into the corridor I realised that the crocodile hadn't been detered by my pre emptive attack and was already upon me. It roared with the ferocity of a thousand dying stars, shaking the pictures off the walls, and rupturing my spleen in the process. As the discarded organs slowly removed itself from my body, the animal sunk it's grizzled maw into my calf and bought me to the ground. In what Irwinites call a "death roll", it began to roll me over, first shattering my nose against the linoleum floor, then back on my back with bone crunching intensity.

Uncharacteristically for a crocodile, it then let go of my leg, and proceeded to stand on it's hind legs before me. I scrambled to my feet, screaming for help against this anthropomorphic reptile, only to notice through my bloodfilled eyes that all the reception staff were crocodiles as well.

"You are now infected. You will soon become a were-croc like the rest of us!" Dr. Mullins cooed through a row of serrated dentures that were laden with my own flesh. I let out a cry of horror as I limped into the nearest open office in a vain attempt to secure my own safety. I dragged my carcass into the room as I heard the croaky laughter of dozens more were-crocs who were descending upon my imminent position.

Glancing around the room for anything to defend myself with, I noticed a medical table with dozens of needles upon it, all filled with various colours. Who knew what concoctions were contained within them. One of them surely must be a cure for this condition. I grabbed a syringe with a green liquid in it and rolled up my sleeve to inject it.

"You think that's a cure? Go ahead, try it."

I plunged it into my arm and pushed the plunger down, filling my veins with an unknown amount of an unknown liquid.

"Well done. That was Measles"

"Shit!"

Hopefully there would be a cure for that too here. I stuck the red one in.

"Tuberculosis"

Green.

"AIDs"

Yellow.

"Spinobifida"

"Spinobifida? In a syringe?!" I cried.

"Hey, that's National Health for you".

That's the point when I blacked out. I awoke and there was God in front of me. He high fived me and let me spend the rest of the day swimming in his pool. He has a really cool wave machine.

The End

Me aged 7 1/2