The New Harry Styles News Wire

Thank you for subscribing to the Harry Styles News Wire, your one-stop shop to all things Harry. Here is your bi-daily news roundup of Harry happenings:

Why Was Harry Late To The Stage At The BRITs?

What a guy...

When One Direction came to stage to collect an award for selling the most music, there was a very important person missing from the band. Harry was nowhere to be seen as the other four tried to claim the award without him! "Where's Harry?" enquired host James Corden, before melting into a puddle of his own smug-gittishness. Harry came running to the stage a few minutes later, to everyone's relief, but what was Harry doing backstage? He gave the excuse that he got lost in the toilets, but our sources have wildly speculated that he was busy tending to a poorly kitty cat, whilst creating a scrap book of his favourite fans.  His devotion to his loyal fans is second to none, and it's nice to know that he keeps the locks of hair we send to him.

Harry Was Almost Named "Carl" By Neglectful Mother

Harry Styles as the demi-God we all know and worship today, almost wasn't called Harry Styles at all, according to his mum.  She considered the name "Carl" for him, which would have changed everything we know about 1D.  By even suggesting this, Mrs Styles has created a divergent timeline in which there exists a parallel version called Carl Styles.  An inferior, bizarro version who cannot hope to fulfill the perfect example carved out across the multiverse by the definitive version that is Harry.  Harry's existence is sullied by his mum's mere suggestion, making her number 1 on our list of enemies this week.  All One Direction fans are hereby summoned en masse to lay seige to her bungalow until she repents for her heinous crimes.  Ask not what your boyband can do for you; ask you can do for your boyband!

Scientists Prove That Harry Sometimes Has A Poo

Sources who followed Harry into an adjacent stall in a Nando's bathroom have confirmed that Harry Styles occasionally expels bodily waste through his anus. This process, known as "digestion", is understood to occur once Harry's body has extracted the available nutrients from his food. That waste then travels through a system known as the "rectum", eventually leaving behind a brown, moist piece of official One Direction merchandise.

Harry Confirms Inspiration Behind " Best Song Ever"

In a recent interview, Harry confirmed that their smash hit "Best Song Ever" (which coincidentally is the best song ever) is essentially an unironic remake of Tenacious D's Tribute. The boys said that the original song included a shiny demon who told them to dance to the best song ever with an adoring teenage fan, or he'd eat their souls. Dave Grohl (an old man from some band called the Food Fighters) declined to play drums for the song.

Harry Politely Asks The Press To Leave Him Alone

In a moment of maturity, Harry politely asked the papparazi to stop hounding him while he was trying to buy shoes on Tottenham Court high street. Harry's politeness went down well with the paps, who reduced their shutter speed in order to comply with Harry's reasonable request. At least he didn't throw someone's iPhone through a solicitor's window, like what happened to our friends over at the Russell Brand News Wire. We will continue to monitor the situation closely and bring you more news as it happens.

Nick Grimshaw Can Fuck Off

We thought we could trust you

Former Directioner and Radio 1 DJ Nick Grimshaw is trying to seduce Harry and make him gay, according to our sources. Now, we have nothing against gay people, some of our favourite celebs are gay, like Brian Dowling, but trying to convert Harry is a despicable act. He is trying to deny all underage girls the chance to marry Harry, and that cannot be allowed to happen. Please sign our petition to get Grimmy's vile homosexual propaganda off of our airwaves, and to throw him on a pyre.

That's all for now. Join us this afternoon where you'll learn how to send spit through the post to Taylor Swift, and what type of Haribo tastes most like Harry (it's Tangfastics). See ya!

Yahoo Answers

There are a lot of things on the Internet we take for granted.  Google, for example, has been around on the Internet as long as flaming skull GIFs and casual sexism.  Google has even managed to integrate itself into many of our browsers and is the default search engine for millions, even billions of people.  So, I find it staggering that, due to the prevalence of Google, a website such as Yahoo Answers still exists.

For those that don’t know, Yahoo Answers allows anyone to ask a question.  Other registered users will strive to answer that question over the course of the next few days, after which the asker can vote on the best answer.  It’s like using a search engine, but it takes several day/night cycles to reach a conclusion.  Regardless, many of the questions submitted are hilariously awful.  I feel no shame in posting these screen caps since these people uploaded them to a public domain anyway. 

In all honesty, I have spent many sleepless nights weeping over the existence of One Direction, but I suspect our motives are different.  In any case, I think Jodie would rather enjoy reading the Harry Styles News Wire, probably more than I did.

Nah it's fine.  When the first canines evolved, they were specifically adapted to digest copious amounts of sugar and E numbers.  He'll probably be fine.  If he stops moving for a while, that's just his way of breaking down the enzymes .

What strikes me is, by the time we've figured out the best answer it'll be too late either way.  Either the dog will survive or it will die.  The Internet waits with baited breath for the outcome.

Yes, the Greeks quote more Daft Punk songs than Albanians.

I don't understand why LFM is so keen to compare Greeks and Albanians.  Do they have a genetic rivalry that I'm not aware of?  Frankly, I'm more concerned about who would be more proficient on a balance beam, Hungarians or Eskimos.

Nice smooth tone big legs.  What a lovely sentence.  It's what I search for whenever I'm on the Internet.  Regardless, this is a little incestuous and I think we should move on...

No, because when I got out, seagulls would peck me.  However, I would wash myself in a hot spring of Marmite.  Next question!

You could swim in a lake of mayonnaise.  You won't need armbands because if you slipped under, you'd be able to eat your way back out.

This would be quite a metaphysical question if it wasn't for the waves of scientific evidence we currently have access to.

Thanks for this life-affirming tale.  Due to my expertise in this area, I predict that you'll have to take a dump the size of a monster truck over the next day or two.

We like to have it off with members of the same sex,
We're an exclusive club but don't compare us to sects,
Shimmy shimmy ya, shimmy yo, shimmy yay,

Gimme the mic to me because I'm proud to be gay,

No skiddies?  Thank God for that, I was worried for a second!

Now that I've dipped my toe into the murky puddle of stupidity, I feel the sudden urge to shower, vigorously.  Until next time!

Harry Styles News Wire

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Harry Styles Donates To Charity

Harry Styles has found a worthwhile cause to get behind.  The One Direction Hunkcake has made the generous donation of £17.55 to the Mirror Fund, a registered charity aiming to supply all teenage girls with mirrors.

“It’s shocking that in this day and age, some young girls have to get up in the morning and get ready without a mirror” said Harry on his life-changing donation. “It’s just awful.  These girls don’t know they’re beautiful”.

What a hunk!  He's like Daniel Craig with a bad perm.

Harry Styles Is Still 19 Years Old

After the excitement over Harry’s birthday on the 1st of Feb, we checked in with other members of his band to confirm that the One Direction Dreamhovercraft had not had a secret birthday without informing the general populace.

“I don’t think he’s had another party, has he?” stated someone else from One Direction named Niall.

“Nope, he’s still 19” revealed another inconsequential band member.

After digging through his bins for evidence of birthday cards or leftover cake, it would appear that Harry is still 19, allaying fears that he might have pushed on to 20 in record time.

This lends evidence to the theory that Harry Styles is ageing at a normal rate, ruling out concerns that he might be rapidly degenerating, or that he has Benjamin Button Syndrome.


Harry Styles Revealed To Drink Liquid

Sales of PG Tips have skyrocketed after an unusual celebrity endorsement.  A cafe owner in Camden claims to have served Harry Styles a cup of tea!  If our source is correct, this suggests that the One Direction Mancrumpet may have a recognisable human digestive tract, and may be sustained by the familiar human principles of eating and drinking.. 

“I asked him if he wanted a biscuit with his tea, but he said no” revealed the brazen cafe owner, although he refused to reveal how many sugars he takes due to “customer confidentiality”.

Leading scientists conclude that evidence of Harry’s digestive tract may also lead to official Harry Styles Pee and Poo merchandise, crafted by the man himself.  The sewer hunt is on to collect some of this momentous memorabilia.


Taylor Swift is an “Uber-Bitch”

At a recent One Direction concert, we asked everyone who attended what they thought of Taylor Swift.  A landslide 97% concluded that Ms. Swift, 23 from Pennsylvania, is an “Uber-Bitch”.  Just 2% thought she was a regular bitch, while 1% abstained from voting.

After breaking the One Direction Jizz-Spinkler's heart, Taylor Swift has come in for stern criticism from former fans.

“An Uber-Bitch is like the queen of an ant’s nest of bitches” said leading wildlife-wrangler Steve Backshall.  “The only way to stop her is to get Sigourney Weaver to set fire to her eggs with a flamethrower”

Since earning the title of Uber-Bitch, we are encouraging all Harry fans to send her hate mail and bomb threats for the way in which she broke his heart.


One Direction and JLS Secret Knife Fight

Have you seen much of JLS lately?  Speculation is rife that the rival bands recently held a midnight knife brawl, with Harry Styles superior blade proficiency leading 1D to an overwhelming victory.  The fight was allegedly over the poor state in which JLS left a tour bus.

“Aston spilled tippex on the floor after a mishap with his Geography homework” claims a source who cannot be named as he is frightened by Harry’s swordsmanship “the boys weren’t having none of it.  It was the only way to settle things.”

“There was only one rule for the fight.  STAB HIM!  STAB HIM! STAB HIM!”

Aston:  Dead?

Harry Styles Spotted By Human Eyes

Two teenage girls are reported to have caught a glimpse of Harry Styles with the naked eye, it was revealed yesterday.  This is the first known report of the One Direction Under-age Fantasy being spotted without the use of specialist vision-enhancing equipment.

“I thought Harry couldn’t be seen under a normal light spectrum” said Rachel Underwood, 14. “At first I thought I was wearing my officially licensed Harry-Spotting infrared goggles, but when I reached for my face, they weren’t there”.

“I wasn’t even sure that Harry had a form in our physical realm” stated Hannah Bisley, 13. “I just assumed that he was a swirling ethereal essence that’s permeating our plane of existence, or an abstract concept, like time itself”