Harry Styles Donates To Charity
Harry Styles has found a worthwhile cause to get behind. The One Direction Hunkcake has made the generous donation of £17.55 to the Mirror Fund, a registered charity aiming to supply all teenage girls with mirrors.
“It’s shocking that in this day and age, some young girls have to get up in the morning and get ready without a mirror” said Harry on his life-changing donation. “It’s just awful. These girls don’t know they’re beautiful”.
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| What a hunk! He's like Daniel Craig with a bad perm. |
Harry Styles Is Still 19 Years Old
After the excitement over Harry’s birthday on the 1st of Feb, we checked in with other members of his band to confirm that the One Direction Dreamhovercraft had not had a secret birthday without informing the general populace.
“I don’t think he’s had another party, has he?” stated someone else from One Direction named Niall.
“Nope, he’s still 19” revealed another inconsequential band member.
After digging through his bins for evidence of birthday cards or leftover cake, it would appear that Harry is still 19, allaying fears that he might have pushed on to 20 in record time.
This lends evidence to the theory that Harry Styles is ageing at a normal rate, ruling out concerns that he might be rapidly degenerating, or that he has Benjamin Button Syndrome.
Harry Styles Revealed To Drink Liquid
Sales of PG Tips have skyrocketed after an unusual celebrity endorsement. A cafe owner in Camden claims to have served Harry Styles a cup of tea! If our source is correct, this suggests that the One Direction Mancrumpet may have a recognisable human digestive tract, and may be sustained by the familiar human principles of eating and drinking..
“I asked him if he wanted a biscuit with his tea, but he said no” revealed the brazen cafe owner, although he refused to reveal how many sugars he takes due to “customer confidentiality”.
Leading scientists conclude that evidence of Harry’s digestive tract may also lead to official Harry Styles Pee and Poo merchandise, crafted by the man himself. The sewer hunt is on to collect some of this momentous memorabilia.
Taylor Swift is an “Uber-Bitch”
At a recent One Direction concert, we asked everyone who attended what they thought of Taylor Swift. A landslide 97% concluded that Ms. Swift, 23 from Pennsylvania, is an “Uber-Bitch”. Just 2% thought she was a regular bitch, while 1% abstained from voting.
After breaking the One Direction Jizz-Spinkler's heart, Taylor Swift has come in for stern criticism from former fans.
“An Uber-Bitch is like the queen of an ant’s nest of bitches” said leading wildlife-wrangler Steve Backshall. “The only way to stop her is to get Sigourney Weaver to set fire to her eggs with a flamethrower”
Since earning the title of Uber-Bitch, we are encouraging all Harry fans to send her hate mail and bomb threats for the way in which she broke his heart.
One Direction and JLS Secret Knife Fight
Have you seen much of JLS lately? Speculation is rife that the rival bands recently held a midnight knife brawl, with Harry Styles superior blade proficiency leading 1D to an overwhelming victory. The fight was allegedly over the poor state in which JLS left a tour bus.
“Aston spilled tippex on the floor after a mishap with his Geography homework” claims a source who cannot be named as he is frightened by Harry’s swordsmanship “the boys weren’t having none of it. It was the only way to settle things.”
“There was only one rule for the fight. STAB HIM! STAB HIM! STAB HIM!”
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| Aston: Dead? |
Harry Styles Spotted By Human Eyes
Two teenage girls are reported to have caught a glimpse of Harry Styles with the naked eye, it was revealed yesterday. This is the first known report of the One Direction Under-age Fantasy being spotted without the use of specialist vision-enhancing equipment.
“I thought Harry couldn’t be seen under a normal light spectrum” said Rachel Underwood, 14. “At first I thought I was wearing my officially licensed Harry-Spotting infrared goggles, but when I reached for my face, they weren’t there”.
“I wasn’t even sure that Harry had a form in our physical realm” stated Hannah Bisley, 13. “I just assumed that he was a swirling ethereal essence that’s permeating our plane of existence, or an abstract concept, like time itself”
