Friday, 22 February 2013

Harry Styles News Wire

Thank you for signing up to the Harry Styles News Wire, the number 1 resource for all news concerning Harry Styles.  Here is your personalised Harry Styles bulletin:

Harry Styles Donates To Charity

Harry Styles has found a worthwhile cause to get behind.  The One Direction Hunkcake has made the generous donation of £17.55 to the Mirror Fund, a registered charity aiming to supply all teenage girls with mirrors.

“It’s shocking that in this day and age, some young girls have to get up in the morning and get ready without a mirror” said Harry on his life-changing donation. “It’s just awful.  These girls don’t know they’re beautiful”.

What a hunk!  He's like Daniel Craig with a bad perm.

Harry Styles Is Still 19 Years Old

After the excitement over Harry’s birthday on the 1st of Feb, we checked in with other members of his band to confirm that the One Direction Dreamhovercraft had not had a secret birthday without informing the general populace.

“I don’t think he’s had another party, has he?” stated someone else from One Direction named Niall.

“Nope, he’s still 19” revealed another inconsequential band member.

After digging through his bins for evidence of birthday cards or leftover cake, it would appear that Harry is still 19, allaying fears that he might have pushed on to 20 in record time.

This lends evidence to the theory that Harry Styles is ageing at a normal rate, ruling out concerns that he might be rapidly degenerating, or that he has Benjamin Button Syndrome.

Harry Styles Revealed To Drink Liquid

Sales of PG Tips have skyrocketed after an unusual celebrity endorsement.  A cafe owner in Camden claims to have served Harry Styles a cup of tea!  If our source is correct, this suggests that the One Direction Mancrumpet may have a recognisable human digestive tract, and may be sustained by the familiar human principles of eating and drinking.. 

“I asked him if he wanted a biscuit with his tea, but he said no” revealed the brazen cafe owner, although he refused to reveal how many sugars he takes due to “customer confidentiality”.

Leading scientists conclude that evidence of Harry’s digestive tract may also lead to official Harry Styles Pee and Poo merchandise, crafted by the man himself.  The sewer hunt is on to collect some of this momentous memorabilia.

Taylor Swift is an “Uber-Bitch”

At a recent One Direction concert, we asked everyone who attended what they thought of Taylor Swift.  A landslide 97% concluded that Ms. Swift, 23 from Pennsylvania, is an “Uber-Bitch”.  Just 2% thought she was a regular bitch, while 1% abstained from voting.

After breaking the One Direction Jizz-Spinkler's heart, Taylor Swift has come in for stern criticism from former fans.

“An Uber-Bitch is like the queen of an ant’s nest of bitches” said leading wildlife-wrangler Steve Backshall.  “The only way to stop her is to get Sigourney Weaver to set fire to her eggs with a flamethrower”

Since earning the title of Uber-Bitch, we are encouraging all Harry fans to send her hate mail and bomb threats for the way in which she broke his heart.

One Direction and JLS Secret Knife Fight

Have you seen much of JLS lately?  Speculation is rife that the rival bands recently held a midnight knife brawl, with Harry Styles superior blade proficiency leading 1D to an overwhelming victory.  The fight was allegedly over the poor state in which JLS left a tour bus.

“Aston spilled tippex on the floor after a mishap with his Geography homework” claims a source who cannot be named as he is frightened by Harry’s swordsmanship “the boys weren’t having none of it.  It was the only way to settle things.”

“There was only one rule for the fight.  STAB HIM!  STAB HIM! STAB HIM!”

Aston:  Dead?

Harry Styles Spotted By Human Eyes

Two teenage girls are reported to have caught a glimpse of Harry Styles with the naked eye, it was revealed yesterday.  This is the first known report of the One Direction Under-age Fantasy being spotted without the use of specialist vision-enhancing equipment.

“I thought Harry couldn’t be seen under a normal light spectrum” said Rachel Underwood, 14. “At first I thought I was wearing my officially licensed Harry-Spotting infrared goggles, but when I reached for my face, they weren’t there”.

“I wasn’t even sure that Harry had a form in our physical realm” stated Hannah Bisley, 13. “I just assumed that he was a swirling ethereal essence that’s permeating our plane of existence, or an abstract concept, like time itself”


  1. Thank you, Addman, is there any word yet on whether or not Harry's hair has made a move yet to devour Harry? Can those rumors be confirmed?
    Now to Hail Thunderwalker with the weather, Hail?
    Stay indoors. Whatever you do, stay indoors watching the television. Who cares about the weather? We need to see if Harry is okay!?!

    1. I'm not sure, I've been ringing his publicist all day but she won't give me any details due to "harassment". I told her Harry isn't harassing me, but she's still not giving me any info.

      I'll track down his barber. He might have some hair clippings we can test to determine Harry's barnet's sentience

  2. DAMN it, a whole different world is passing me by because the first thought that came into my head was who is Harry. I must admit that at first I thought it might be some sort of Royal lookalike competition something in the mould of Elvis but without the famous shaky leg or well known songs often sung by granny in the supermarket very loudly (it is why I never go to the supermarket with granny).

    So who or what is this One Direction thing, is it something I should know about. And JLS who are they what does JLS stand for I was taking a stab (sorry excuse the pun) at the Japanese Lesbian Society but goggling that was not a good move and I will be appearing in court next week. I have told the police that it was not me but I was lead in the Wrong Direction by a young chap called Harry and he appears to be the ring leader. My lawyer says my defence of being an IDIOT is strong and that it will not take much persuasion to convince the Jury....

    1. To clear things up, Harry is from a band called One Direction who are like a shit version of JLS. JLS are a shit version of Westlife, who are a shit version of Boyzone, who are a shit version of Take That, who are a shit version of New Kids On The Block. Hope that makes sense!

      Also, is your mum your defence lawyer?

  3. As much as this is a satirical article, I think that sadly this could actually sell well with teenage girls. Though I am happy to hear he is still 19, and he is supplying people with much needed mirrors. The world needs more mirrors.

    1. I wrote this because I sick of hearing about Harry Styles lately, what with him attending the Brits and breathing oxygen. I hope to God no one wants to hear this kind of news (although a knife fight with JLS might actually be interesting).

  4. I imagine that World War III will commense following Harry Style's claim to the throne of the antichrist. He will take those few who choose to follow him under his hair and fly atop Mt. Olympus to judge the final days while sipping on pasteurized orange juice and dining on blueberry and banana scones.

    That being said, I had no idea who he was until now. Though, I am familiar with One Direction. Then again, I have no idea who JLS is, but now I know all because of you, Addman. And that's what makes you beautiful.

    1. "And that's what makes you beautiful."

      Ha! That caught me off guard, well played! I'm glad I was able to educate in the craptitude of pop music.

      Also, why blueberry and banana?

    2. Because someone brought some into work today, and they were delicious!

  5. I cannot and I mean CANNOT beleibe that you were not accused of hairassing Harry...although that sounds illegal!

    Your articles are always extremely informative, for example, I wasnt aware that he breathed oxygen too! We are so similar! I am personally following him around with a bucket and spade just waiting for him to poop gold bullion....surely its inevitable?

    You wouldnt 'Tell me a lie' would you? Oh well, its the 'Little Things'...awww 'c'mon, c'mon'...

    I bet you popped out to Chesney Hawkes once upon a!

    1. Wow, you know a lot of One Direction songs. Perhaps you'd like to run the Harry Styles News Wire for a while? I'm thinking of giving it up after I was arrested for living in his fish pond for seventeen days straight.

      The only time I've exposed myself to Chesney Hawkes is when I left my flies unzipped at one of his concerts and I was caught on the big TV.

    2. Ah the Chesney Hawks, the mean biker gang from Lemington Spa . . . . . . . . happy days

  6. Is his hair supposed to be like that? Only, I take ages trying to STOP mine looking that bloody stupid every morning (and fail)
    bloody kids.

    1. Picture this: Harry Styles wakes up in the morning. His hair is as straight as a sergeant major's crew cut. He gets up, goes to his stylist, who spends three hours weaving it into the basket that you see before you. Some hairdresser has made a conscious effort to produce that. Amazing isn't it? Well, amazing as in watching Russian dash-cam videos; fascinating yet frightening.


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