Why Was Harry Late To The Stage At The BRITs?
|What a guy...|
When One Direction came to stage to collect an award for selling the most music, there was a very important person missing from the band. Harry was nowhere to be seen as the other four tried to claim the award without him! "Where's Harry?" enquired host James Corden, before melting into a puddle of his own smug-gittishness. Harry came running to the stage a few minutes later, to everyone's relief, but what was Harry doing backstage? He gave the excuse that he got lost in the toilets, but our sources have wildly speculated that he was busy tending to a poorly kitty cat, whilst creating a scrap book of his favourite fans. His devotion to his loyal fans is second to none, and it's nice to know that he keeps the locks of hair we send to him.
Harry Was Almost Named "Carl" By Neglectful Mother
Harry Styles as the demi-God we all know and worship today, almost wasn't called Harry Styles at all, according to his mum. She considered the name "Carl" for him, which would have changed everything we know about 1D. By even suggesting this, Mrs Styles has created a divergent timeline in which there exists a parallel version called Carl Styles. An inferior, bizarro version who cannot hope to fulfill the perfect example carved out across the multiverse by the definitive version that is Harry. Harry's existence is sullied by his mum's mere suggestion, making her number 1 on our list of enemies this week. All One Direction fans are hereby summoned en masse to lay seige to her bungalow until she repents for her heinous crimes. Ask not what your boyband can do for you; ask you can do for your boyband!
Scientists Prove That Harry Sometimes Has A Poo
Sources who followed Harry into an adjacent stall in a Nando's bathroom have confirmed that Harry Styles occasionally expels bodily waste through his anus. This process, known as "digestion", is understood to occur once Harry's body has extracted the available nutrients from his food. That waste then travels through a system known as the "rectum", eventually leaving behind a brown, moist piece of official One Direction merchandise.
Harry Confirms Inspiration Behind " Best Song Ever"
In a recent interview, Harry confirmed that their smash hit "Best Song Ever" (which coincidentally is the best song ever) is essentially an unironic remake of Tenacious D's Tribute. The boys said that the original song included a shiny demon who told them to dance to the best song ever with an adoring teenage fan, or he'd eat their souls. Dave Grohl (an old man from some band called the Food Fighters) declined to play drums for the song.
Harry Politely Asks The Press To Leave Him Alone
In a moment of maturity, Harry politely asked the papparazi to stop hounding him while he was trying to buy shoes on Tottenham Court high street. Harry's politeness went down well with the paps, who reduced their shutter speed in order to comply with Harry's reasonable request. At least he didn't throw someone's iPhone through a solicitor's window, like what happened to our friends over at the Russell Brand News Wire. We will continue to monitor the situation closely and bring you more news as it happens.
Nick Grimshaw Can Fuck Off
|We thought we could trust you|
Former Directioner and Radio 1 DJ Nick Grimshaw is trying to seduce Harry and make him gay, according to our sources. Now, we have nothing against gay people, some of our favourite celebs are gay, like Brian Dowling, but trying to convert Harry is a despicable act. He is trying to deny all underage girls the chance to marry Harry, and that cannot be allowed to happen. Please sign our petition to get Grimmy's vile homosexual propaganda off of our airwaves, and to throw him on a pyre.
That's all for now. Join us this afternoon where you'll learn how to send spit through the post to Taylor Swift, and what type of Haribo tastes most like Harry (it's Tangfastics). See ya!