Why Was Harry Late To The Stage At The BRITs?
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| What a guy... |
When One Direction came to stage to collect an award for selling the most music, there was a very important person missing from the band. Harry was nowhere to be seen as the other four tried to claim the award without him! "Where's Harry?" enquired host James Corden, before melting into a puddle of his own smug-gittishness. Harry came running to the stage a few minutes later, to everyone's relief, but what was Harry doing backstage? He gave the excuse that he got lost in the toilets, but our sources have wildly speculated that he was busy tending to a poorly kitty cat, whilst creating a scrap book of his favourite fans. His devotion to his loyal fans is second to none, and it's nice to know that he keeps the locks of hair we send to him.
Harry Was Almost Named "Carl" By Neglectful Mother
Harry Styles as the demi-God we all know and worship today, almost wasn't called Harry Styles at all, according to his mum. She considered the name "Carl" for him, which would have changed everything we know about 1D. By even suggesting this, Mrs Styles has created a divergent timeline in which there exists a parallel version called Carl Styles. An inferior, bizarro version who cannot hope to fulfill the perfect example carved out across the multiverse by the definitive version that is Harry. Harry's existence is sullied by his mum's mere suggestion, making her number 1 on our list of enemies this week. All One Direction fans are hereby summoned en masse to lay seige to her bungalow until she repents for her heinous crimes. Ask not what your boyband can do for you; ask you can do for your boyband!
Scientists Prove That Harry Sometimes Has A Poo
Sources who followed Harry into an adjacent stall in a Nando's bathroom have confirmed that Harry Styles occasionally expels bodily waste through his anus. This process, known as "digestion", is understood to occur once Harry's body has extracted the available nutrients from his food. That waste then travels through a system known as the "rectum", eventually leaving behind a brown, moist piece of official One Direction merchandise.
Harry Confirms Inspiration Behind " Best Song Ever"
In a recent interview, Harry confirmed that their smash hit "Best Song Ever" (which coincidentally is the best song ever) is essentially an unironic remake of Tenacious D's Tribute. The boys said that the original song included a shiny demon who told them to dance to the best song ever with an adoring teenage fan, or he'd eat their souls. Dave Grohl (an old man from some band called the Food Fighters) declined to play drums for the song.
Harry Politely Asks The Press To Leave Him Alone
In a moment of maturity, Harry politely asked the papparazi to stop hounding him while he was trying to buy shoes on Tottenham Court high street. Harry's politeness went down well with the paps, who reduced their shutter speed in order to comply with Harry's reasonable request. At least he didn't throw someone's iPhone through a solicitor's window, like what happened to our friends over at the Russell Brand News Wire. We will continue to monitor the situation closely and bring you more news as it happens.
Nick Grimshaw Can Fuck Off
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| We thought we could trust you |
Former Directioner and Radio 1 DJ Nick Grimshaw is trying to seduce Harry and make him gay, according to our sources. Now, we have nothing against gay people, some of our favourite celebs are gay, like Brian Dowling, but trying to convert Harry is a despicable act. He is trying to deny all underage girls the chance to marry Harry, and that cannot be allowed to happen. Please sign our petition to get Grimmy's vile homosexual propaganda off of our airwaves, and to throw him on a pyre.
That's all for now. Join us this afternoon where you'll learn how to send spit through the post to Taylor Swift, and what type of Haribo tastes most like Harry (it's Tangfastics). See ya!
His name will be tragically ironic when he gets old and bald. He'll have to go by "Harold." I don't understand how after dating Taylor Swift you don't turn gay. Now, pardon me, I must be off to melt into a puddle of my own smug-gittishness (love that line).
ReplyDeleteI think Harold Styles sounds fine and distinquished. It would have been funny if he and Taylor Swift got married and she changed her name to Taylor Styles. She would have to go into fashion design due to her name alone.
DeleteI know nothing of Harry or the band or the BRITs...... OK I do know of the Brits because I live in Britain and am well and truly of Scottish blood from about 1500BC and us Scots know that the Brits have nicked all our oil and say we have to get our own pound and that if we go it alone then they will build a big wall to keep us all out and ban the wearing of kilts in public and fine people for playing bagpipes in the street ( I may need to write a post about this).
ReplyDeleteAs for Harry I have heard of the name before because I remember you did a post about him so I can only assume part of his fame (I am assuming he has some fame with someone) is entirety down to you Mr Addman; I guess you must be on a good retainer to help his publicity (We need to make the odd penny or two where we can).
I believe that once Scotland is free from the English Dogs we will ban folk called Harry and not sell them any oil for their vehicles. let them walk is what we say . . . . . . and No deep fried haggis either.......
And Nick Grimshaw sounds a bit English too.
DeleteRob, I reckon you know more about contemporary culture than you make out. I think that you pretend not to know to cultivate a certain quirky eccentricity. I'm not complaining, just letting you know that I'm on to you ;)
DeleteThis isn't enough. I demand more. I need to sign up to this wire. You can't just stop caring about such a God like Harry amongst Manchildren (menchildren?) like One Direction.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the plural of manchild is. If Harry is a God amongst manchildren, doesn't that just make him a man?
DeleteLook at that thick, luscious Nick Nolte-DUI-mugshot hair. What a dreamboat. We need to hear more about this poo. Is it healthy? Does it smell like roses? We the fans DESERVE to know the important details.
ReplyDeleteYou can own your own piece of brown memorabilia by sending a stamped, addressed envelope to our fan offices, or you can redirect his drainpipe to attain your own, if you don't mind getting your hands dirty.
DeleteIt's old news to me that Harry Styles poos. I snuck backstage at a One Direction concert and stalked Harry Styles to the restroom. It was magical. I could hear the clockwork of his bowels in motion. He doesn't poo like you an I. No, the sound of his bowel movements can be compared to the works of Mozart and Bach. I even managed to collect a sample of the toilet water. Occasionally, I add a droplet of the nectar to my bath.
ReplyDeleteYou are indeed a lucky guy. I once stole his used toilet paper and knitted it into a scarf. We should get together and root through his trash sometime.
DeleteWhenever I see #HarryStyles or #1Dtouchmy (insert body part here) or even #HarryInsertYouBodyPartHere over on that there twitter I get the sudden urge to throw my laptop out of the nearest window. Twitter should be used solely for the purpose of keeping upto date with news events before they happen, Lord alan sugar giving scores of the latest Spurs game, harassing Pierce Morgan and sharing THAT picture of Richard and Judy that *might be fake* but we all hope isn't..... Bloody 1D and their bloody 1D twitter followers.
ReplyDeleteWhat? How dare you?! I'm petitioning to get Twitter to change it's name to Styler. If you don't want to sign my petition, well, I'll just ask you again later, in case you change your mind.
DeleteHarry Styles - the first 100 times I heard that name, I didn't know it was a real person. It sounds like some kind of weird fake name - "Fashion Designer Harry Styles' new leather jogging pants are on sale today..."
ReplyDeleteLeather jogging pants? Surely that's some kind of oxymoron. They're about as useful as a contact lens & gimp mask combo.
DeleteDon't you think Harry just looks like a weird, young, shittier version of mick jagger? Don't get me started in how smug and intolerable Jamea Cordon is, imagine having to go for a pint with him - it'd be fucking torture x
ReplyDeleteI can't wait until Harry grows old and fat. Then he'll have the moobs like Jagger.
DeleteJames Corden is the least funny man alive. He makes Miranda look like Blackadder.
Is this a Royal family thing?
ReplyDeleteNear enough. Harry Styles is more important than our current Royal Family, the Beckhams.
DeleteIn all seriousness, the real problem with Harry Styles and Justin Beiber, is that I am not them. Bastards. It's not surprising that young superstars are idiots. The real surprising thing is that they aren't bigger idiots. I would instantly turn into Charlie Sheen.
ReplyDeleteTo be fair, I think Harry Styles is actually okay. He seems to handle himself well and doesn't fly off the handle despite all the media interest in him. This is more of a parody surrounding the amount and type of attention poured onto him.
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