Greetings comrades. I'm Vladimir Stereotypiski, and I'm one of the chief engineers responsible for designing the Olympic village at Sochi.
Now, I've been asked to speak to you Western devils about the state of our Olympic lodgings. Despite rolling out the red carpet and succumbing to your decadent ways, you have begun mocking our hospitality on your social media Tweeter applications. We have given you the very best that we can muster, and yet you make jokes about our efforts and our appalling human rights breaches as to regards homosexuals.
I am here to dispell some of these notions that the athlete's accommodation isn't up to scratch. For example, take this picture:
Some individuals have suggested that slanted curtains are unacceptable. However, we simply want to give our guests the best of both worlds, light and dark, yin and yang, Ant and Dec. Where else in the world can you experience both day and night at the same time? Norway doesn't count. No one likes Norway.
On another issue, I would like to know why some dissidents insist on mocking our communal toilets. We were communists for decades, we're used to communal living. It's you capitalist scumbags who can't get over the idea sharing. The experience of sharing your bowel movements with another likeminded individual is envigorating, and the mutual struggle shall bring you closer together with your bowl-mate. Plus, for the larger gentleman, a wingman in the bathroom can be a valuable tool if you are struggling to wipe yourself. Everybody wins, which is kind of the point of communism.
We take offence with those people who claim that the Olympic village was not even finished. Some people don't seem to believe that normal pavements are full of holes. These are for drainage. They stop the surface being flooded with water. The athletes wouldn't be pleased if they had to wade through three feet of water to attend their events.
Safety was of utmost concern when we built the village. We created electric showers to make sure that there was plenty of light in the bathroom. We don't want any athletes to slip in the shower and break their necks.
We don't understand why people are upset that athletes have to literally smash their doors to escape. Not only does this prove that our facilities safe from burglars, but they also give the athletes an extra workout as they hack their way out of the rooms before an event. This extra exercise could mean the difference silver and gold, pushing the athletes to strive for physical perfection. I'm sure our Olympians will be very pleased with these doors. Doors that work as designed and are not getting stuck shut.
Overall, we resent these allegations that our facilities are sub-par. All we are trying to do is put on a decent show for everyone and-
-fuck you all.