Friday 14 February 2014

Greetings From Sochi

Greetings comrades.  I'm Vladimir Stereotypiski, and I'm one of the chief engineers responsible for designing the Olympic village at Sochi.


Now, I've been asked to speak to you Western devils about the state of our Olympic lodgings.  Despite rolling out the red carpet and succumbing to your decadent ways, you have begun mocking our hospitality on your social media Tweeter applications.  We have given you the very best that we can muster, and yet you make jokes about our efforts and our appalling human rights breaches as to regards homosexuals.

I am here to dispell some of these notions that the athlete's accommodation isn't up to scratch.  For example, take this picture:


Some individuals have suggested that slanted curtains are unacceptable.  However, we simply want to give our guests the best of both worlds, light and dark, yin and yang, Ant and Dec.  Where else in the world can you experience both day and night at the same time?  Norway doesn't count.  No one likes Norway.


On another issue, I would like to know why some dissidents insist on mocking our communal toilets.  We were communists for decades, we're used to communal living.  It's you capitalist scumbags who can't get over the idea sharing.  The experience of sharing your bowel movements with another likeminded individual is envigorating, and the mutual struggle shall bring you closer together with your bowl-mate.  Plus, for the larger gentleman, a wingman in the bathroom can be a valuable tool if you are struggling to wipe yourself.  Everybody wins, which is kind of the point of communism.


We take offence with those people who claim that the Olympic village was not even finished.  Some people don't seem to believe that normal pavements are full of holes.  These are for drainage.  They stop the surface being flooded with water.  The athletes wouldn't be pleased if they had to wade through three feet of water to attend their events.


Safety was of utmost concern when we built the village.  We created electric showers to make sure that there was plenty of light in the bathroom.  We don't want any athletes to slip in the shower and break their necks.


We don't understand why people are upset that athletes have to literally smash their doors to escape.  Not only does this prove that our facilities safe from burglars, but they also give the athletes an extra workout as they hack their way out of the rooms before an event.  This extra exercise could mean the difference silver and gold, pushing the athletes to strive for physical perfection.  I'm sure our Olympians will be very pleased with these doors.  Doors that work as designed and are not getting stuck shut.

Overall, we resent these allegations that our facilities are sub-par.  All we are trying to do is put on a decent show for everyone and-


-fuck you all.

12 comments:

  1. I read this in a Russian accent and I have no regrets, and a fabulous Russian accent. The communal toilet is one that always gets me because communal toilets ARE a thing in Russia and they generally feel that way about it.

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    1. So that means that my post isn't just casually racist? Woo hoo!

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  2. I believe the expression, "I'll wipe your ass, if you wipe mine," originated in Sochi. And, I understood malfunctioning Olympic ring display to be a social commentary of the diminishing state of Eastern culture. I thought it was a bold yet commendable move on their part.

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    1. I wish I could say that my malfunctioning was a social commentary. People just look at me in disgust.

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  3. I have reason to believe that the accommodation may also have bugs, I have heard it is quite common in Russia that the accommodation of us decedent Westerners with our M&S underwear and Top Shop jackets and smart designer jeans and shoes, is often full of bugs. So I have recommended that the British team all take fly paper, you will not get one over on us with your cunning commune-ish ways (sorry communist).

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    1. I don't understand how the bugs work. Do they expect that if we have cockroaches crawling over us, we'll eventually crack and start blurting out state secrets about our uranium enrichment programs?

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  4. Damn straight no one likes the stupid Norwegians. Smug bastards.

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    1. They think they're so superior that they can survive without sunlight for months on end.

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  5. I've had no TV or internet for a bit so I've missed most of this Sochi stuff. Something to do with snow and cowboy builders? Except there's no snow in those pictures. Don't tell me they forgot the snow. Also, Mr Stereotypiski, put the vodka down and tell that bear to stop dancing.

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    1. As it turns out, Sochi is one of the warmest areas of Russia. That's not to say it isn't cold, but the only snow seems to be restricted to the olympic tracks.

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  6. You have a future as the modern day Yakov Smirnoff. "In Russia, showers take you." Ugh, I'm awful at this. How about this, "In Russia, President elect you...for the gulag." Nope, no, still terrible.
    If I had to poop next to someone, I would definitely high-five a sweet log or quality fart.

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    1. Just don't high five me while I'm have a wee. I need both hands to ensure that my aim rings true.

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