Friday, 7 February 2014

It’s Only A Gameshow

Hello, hola, and boy howdy to y’all!  I hope you found that opening to be charismatic, as I intend to use it as a catchphrase.  I’m practising my gameshow host manner, you see.  Ever since I was 26, I have dreamed of being a gameshow host.  The glitzy tuxedos, the fabulous prizes, the models draped lovingly over speedboats, I want it all!

Unfortunately, all the best gameshows have already got hosts, despite the many attempts I have made on the lives of Ant and Dec.  Who Wants To Be A Millionaire has Chris Tarrant.  The Price Is Right has Brucie.  Family Fortunes has some sort of horse in a man costume.  So, if I want my own gameshow, the only way I’m going to do it is to make up my own.  Here are a few ideas:

Name That Tuna

Similar to Name That Tune, only the contestants have to correctly identify tuna fish by their formal name.  Cue lots of random name shouting until, 6 hours later, someone happens to stumble upon the correct one.  For extra variety, sometimes the contestants will be shown pictures of other types of fish, such as cod or plaice.  If the contestants fail to spot these piscine pretenders, they will be sprinkled with tuna flakes and brine.

Bob!  No, Dave! No, Charles.....oh I give up!


Square Of Fortune

Identical to Wheel Of Fortune, only without those protracted wheel spins.

Polo Loco

Contestants team up with professional polo players to play a polo match on the lawn.  Contestants have to answer as many questions as possible in order to earn more polo players for their team.  A bonus round may also occur where the contestants have to suck as many polo mints as possible in order to earn an extra player.  At the end of the quiz, the acquired polo players play a match, with the winner receiving a lifetime’s supply of polos for their corresponding contestant.  The host gets to make poorly judged horse puns throughout the show, such as “He wouldn’t make a nice NEIGHbour” or “Why the long horse penis?”

Strictly Celebrity Fire Dancing

A celebrity and a member of the public are forced to dance amongst the fallout of a napalm strike.  This would be the show with the highest rate of scaldings on television, making it the hottest show ever!

You’ve Been Maimed

This is a show for accident victims that have had their mishaps caught on camera.  They are bought into a TV studio to narrate the footage of their tragic accident.  As they bleat on, teary eyed, reliving the trauma of the event in front of an intrusive and unfeeling camera lens, the braying audience are encouraged to laugh, point, and deride the victim.  The audience then get to vote on which accident they enjoyed the best.  The winner receives a coupon for reconstructive surgery.

Big Break

A gameshow in which a renowned racist teams up with a professional snooker player for quiz show-style questions and sweet trick shots.  Oh wait, that was actually a real thing.  I apologise to anyone under the age of 20 or not from Britain:



Those are the best ideas to date.  I’ve sent them to every broadcasting corporation on the planet, but I have yet to receive a response that isn’t covered in saliva.  If you have any better ideas that might get me on the telly, let me know in the comments below.

14 comments:

  1. Any show where celebrities are set on fire is a show I would really like to see. If you're open to other suggestions, then I would suggest some kind of "Semi-Circle of Fortune". It's like Wheel Of Fortune but there's only half a wheel and if it lands on the empty half, it's some kind of forfeit or punishment. Preferably involving fire.

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    1. We could combine our ideas and do "Strictly Celebrity Semi-Circle Of Fortune & Fire"

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  2. I guess I would be a fan of anything with flaming chainsaw juggling.

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    1. What about "Flaming Chainsaw Surgery"?

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  3. Wait, Sarah Jessica Parker hosts Family Fortunes? (I'll see myself out.)
    I'd watch Polo Loco whilst eating El Pollo Loco (a fast food chain on the west coast of the U.S.).
    Also, I have to thank you for your suggestion in the comments yesterday, you inspired a series of unfortunate Russian puns.

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    1. Well I'd watch Polo Loco while eating El Pollo Loco and playing LocoRoco and listening to Domo Arigato Mr Roboto. What do you mean I'm too competitive?

      I've just read today's post. Utterly hilarious, as I knew it would be. There was nothing unfortunate about it.

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  4. Lately, it seems that washed up comedians are being hired as game show hosts. So, if you truly want to become a game show host, I first suggest becoming a stand-up comedian. Make sure you're charismatic but not all that funny. That's likely when you'll be approached by the Game Show Network.

    But, I'd definitely watch Polo Loco. Maybe pitching that show to a network exec would be enough to fulfill your dream.

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    1. Wait, I have to be unfunny? Sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that. I exude comedy out of my pores like sweat. Then I don't use deoderant and make people gargle that sweat. I mean comedy. What was I talking about again?

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  5. I'm sold on any of these choices as long as they feature lots of models lovingly draped over things.

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    1. How about a show where they are lovingly draped over you? Of course, that would make you a prize and we'd have to give you away in the quickfire round.

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  6. I very much enjoy the idea of Polo Loco... or any show that involves excessive horse puns for that matter x

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    1. What's a horse's favourite soap opera?

      Emmerdale. Wait a sec...

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  7. Hello Mr Addman, I liked your ideas but have had a good think, and thought I needed to give you a show idea that would win round the BBC. I was unable to do this but I have thought of one that channel 5 might go for, so here it is Celebrity Naked Chess

    Yes you see it has everything that a show needs . . . You have two well known celebrities who are allowed to keep there clothes on, who play each other at chess. But the clever bit is the board has naked people on it who are the chess pieces. So a naked Queen and King, Naked Bishops, Naked Knights then the castles also know as Rooks could be real Rooks as a sort of avant-garde quirky element maybe with a Naked Rook Handlers as Rooks will just sit on the board and not move. Finally the really clever bit is Naked Pawn Actors (Pawn . . .Porn . . . .HAH AH H HAH HA HAH AH HAha ha ha ha) . . . .

    You see the celebrities could play speed chess and the players would move about as instructed just imagine as Whites Kings Pawn three takes the Blacks Bishop and shouts Mate . . . . Anyway I will leave this intriguing and genius idea with you to think about. Chess will never be the same again me thinks. . . . . . . . .

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    1. That is a seriously good idea, and I suspect that television execs might actually go for it. I'd probably tune in to watch it myself. I'm not even joking.

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