Unfortunately, all the best gameshows have already got hosts, despite the many attempts I have made on the lives of Ant and Dec. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire has Chris Tarrant. The Price Is Right has Brucie. Family Fortunes has some sort of horse in a man costume. So, if I want my own gameshow, the only way I’m going to do it is to make up my own. Here are a few ideas:
Name That Tuna
Similar to Name That Tune, only the contestants have to correctly identify tuna fish by their formal name. Cue lots of random name shouting until, 6 hours later, someone happens to stumble upon the correct one. For extra variety, sometimes the contestants will be shown pictures of other types of fish, such as cod or plaice. If the contestants fail to spot these piscine pretenders, they will be sprinkled with tuna flakes and brine.
|Bob! No, Dave! No, Charles.....oh I give up!|
Square Of Fortune
Identical to Wheel Of Fortune, only without those protracted wheel spins.
Contestants team up with professional polo players to play a polo match on the lawn. Contestants have to answer as many questions as possible in order to earn more polo players for their team. A bonus round may also occur where the contestants have to suck as many polo mints as possible in order to earn an extra player. At the end of the quiz, the acquired polo players play a match, with the winner receiving a lifetime’s supply of polos for their corresponding contestant. The host gets to make poorly judged horse puns throughout the show, such as “He wouldn’t make a nice NEIGHbour” or “Why the long horse penis?”
Strictly Celebrity Fire Dancing
A celebrity and a member of the public are forced to dance amongst the fallout of a napalm strike. This would be the show with the highest rate of scaldings on television, making it the hottest show ever!
You’ve Been Maimed
This is a show for accident victims that have had their mishaps caught on camera. They are bought into a TV studio to narrate the footage of their tragic accident. As they bleat on, teary eyed, reliving the trauma of the event in front of an intrusive and unfeeling camera lens, the braying audience are encouraged to laugh, point, and deride the victim. The audience then get to vote on which accident they enjoyed the best. The winner receives a coupon for reconstructive surgery.
A gameshow in which a renowned racist teams up with a professional snooker player for quiz show-style questions and sweet trick shots. Oh wait, that was actually a real thing. I apologise to anyone under the age of 20 or not from Britain:
Those are the best ideas to date. I’ve sent them to every broadcasting corporation on the planet, but I have yet to receive a response that isn’t covered in saliva. If you have any better ideas that might get me on the telly, let me know in the comments below.