Thursday 10 April 2014

I - IT Technician

I’ve always been a technologically minded individual ever since I can remember.  From the age of 5 when I first booted up a Sega Megadrive (or a Genesis to you weirdoes across the Atlantic) and saw a blue hedgehog collecting rings in a playable metaphor for rampant capitalism, I was hooked.  From that point onwards, I began dismantling stereos, computers, and anything with wires.  I didn’t know how to put them back together afterwards and my method of dismantling was a cricket bat, but that’s the kind of thing you hear tech geniuses doing.  One time, I changed all the Windows default noises to Alan Partridge sound clips, so I definitely know a thing or two about computers.  That’s why I applied for a job on an IT servicedesk.

I was pleased when I passed my interview, which consisted of identifying a mouse and restarted a PC successfully, and settled quickly into my desk space.  I scattered a smattering of lucky trinkets across my new desk, hoping that the luck I had attributed to them would somehow affect events on a cosmological scale, and allow me to keep my job for longer than a day.

One thing my technical knowledge didn’t prepare me for was the lack of technical knowledge that the average caller had.  My first caller kept turning her screen off when I asked her to restart her PC.  When I asked one caller to move his mouse to the right corner of his screen, he lifted his mouse and placed it on top of his monitor.  It was a frustrating experience.

While annoying, I reminded myself that I am a technical whizz and that I can’t expect the people around me to understand as much as me.  That said, it was very cathartic to scream “are you a dribbling moron?!” on every other call I took.

Oops, wrong IT


One particular caller rang up and initiated the conversation by referencing that infuriating line from The IT Crowd.

“Before you start, yes, I have turned it off and on again”

Thank you for this information, you massive cockwomble, but I don’t think you can actually restart a PC that you haven’t first plugged in.  Try that, then call us again later when you can no doubt recite another catchphrase and become a champion of humour amongst your colleagues and coworkers.  Please keep me updated on your “garlic bread” and what it’s like being “the only gay in the village”.

When people weren’t ringing up and asking for things, I actually rather enjoyed the job.  I felt like I was actually making a difference, making sure that people could do their jobs effectively.  It was the most productive I’ve ever been in my life, and that includes the time I spent trying to build a matchstick bottle inside a boat.

As with all career prospects in my life, it was all doomed to end in a rather messy fashion beyond my control.  Mainly because I tried to track down one of the users in my car and teach him the meaning of a hard drive.  It’s a shame really, because it was probably the only thing I was ever good at.

19 comments:

  1. I too have strangely succeeded in the murky world of IT support entirely on the fact that I know more that the others. And not because I am clever but because folk really have asked me things like . . . . I have a blank screen . . to which I have been able to say . . . . Ooooooo Look we better plug it it in, that will be £200 pound for the call out fee and £50 for the 15 minutes it took to park and walk to your PC . . plus VAT.

    I think you did the right thing hunting down the hard drive man. I would have done the same . . . OK I would not, I am lazy.

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    1. I think you've pretty much described my entry into the world of IT. When I was growing up, it's amazing how people would pay good money to have me come round and click "Scan" on their antivirus, because they had a virus on the PC.

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    2. Good Sir Addman I will remember that for the future . . . . So you really know your stuff then.

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    3. Indeed. I know the difference between left-clicking and right-clicking, which is more than most users.

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  2. The thought of providing technical support over the phone makes me want to feed myself to a giant spider with a clown face (oops, spoilers for It). Calling a support line is bad enough, but the psychological torture of having to deal with angry idiots all day is too much to fathom.

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    1. It's not so bad. Sometimes the angry idiots are the fun part of the job. You just have to be thick skinned enough to not take their anger personally.

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  3. cockwomble will now be a regular in my passage vocab.

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  4. As soon as I started reading this, my heart dropped and I leaped behind my chair.

    I tried helping my grandmother with her computer once. Over the phone.

    It left me with PTSD and a deep hatred of technology and old people.

    Just thinking about IT phone service makes my right eye twitch and my left arm go numb.

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    1. No matter how bad it gets, I just tell myself "at least I'm not in telesales".

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  5. He said cockwomble hehehe hehehe

    I don't have the right personality to do IT work. I have zero patience for people who call for assistance than tell me how it's done.

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    1. I read that as "I don't have the right to work in IT", which confused me for a few moments. I thought you lived in some oppressive regime that didn't allow people called Elsie to work with computers.

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  6. Being an IT technician seems like one of the most infuriating jobs in the world. 8 times out of 10 the problem is fixed by restarting the computer. Of the other two times, one is fixed by plugging the thing back in. It seems kinda rare to have actual problems you're going to actually have to work on.

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  7. I'd be one of those people you'd want to kill. I'm a moron when I call for technical support.

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    Replies
    1. As long as you are polite and you're clearly trying, you're fine.

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  8. I once spent 20 mins on the phone with my mom trying to show her where the time was on her screen. There are only so many words that describe "bottom right corner".

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    Replies
    1. You just know that she was looking in the corner of the room instead.

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  9. You shouldn't run over your clients. I'm pretty sure. But whatever.

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