Howdy folks. Do you find going to the vets expensive? Don’t enjoy sitting next to other people’s smelly dogs? That’s why I’ve decided to give out some pet advice right here, on the Internet. Sure I might not have any official training, or a fancy diploma, or even owned an animal before, but I’ve recently watched Frozen Planet and have tasted many varieties of animals in restaurants.
With this expertise, I decided I’d help some clueless pet owners and give them a bit of advice on how idiotic they are, in the hopes that I can stop them from killing their pets. Below are some hopeless individuals who should probably be reported to the RSPCA:
Gemma Driveway – Gas Pumper
My cat has developed the rather strange habit of licking metallic objects. I first noticed this when I got my step ladder out and left it set up while I went to fetch something. When I came back, the whole thing was covered in cat saliva, causing me to slip off the top step and dislocate both shoulders. I’ve also caught him writhing around in the cutlery drawer in a state of oral ecstasy. Is there anything I can do?
Cats tend to develop a taste for metal when they don’t have enough iron in their diet. In your stupidity, I imagine you’ve failed to buy a suitable cat food brand with the appropriate nutrition. If your regular cat food doesn’t include the recommended levels of iron, I’d usually suggest putting iron filings in his food, and ball bearings in his water. However, a cat that is licking step ladders is beyond help at this point. I’d recommend putting him down, which is a shame because he’d have been perfectly fine were it not for your blatant negligence.
Alaister Pigeon – Chartered Heston Accountant
I have a budgie named Bob who I have owned for around 4 years. I’ve spoken softly to him for at least 2 hours every day, repeating choice phrases such as “Pretty boy”, “Fuck Da Police”, and “Oooh Alaister, you’re soooo big!”. So far, he’s never uttered a word. What can I do to get him to talk?
It’s quite clear that Bob doesn’t like you. He probably hates your guts, what with your poor lifestyle choices and that annoying way you catalogue your shirts. On that description, I hate you too. Bob seems to be a sharp judge of character if you ask me.
However, you asked for a solution, so here it is. You could try finding out what aspect of your flawed character really irks your budgie and changing that. Try wearing a different jumper when you approach him. Perhaps speak to him in a different accent. Wear some glasses, anything to disguise that pathetic sense of self. Failing that, I’d have Bob put down.
Barry Shogun – Curtain Twitcher
I am sick to death of my neighbour’s cats climbing over the fence and digging around in my back yard. Not only are they burying their shit all over the place and ruining my tulips, they are also uncovering human remains that I’d rather keep hidden. I’ve tried using landmines and bear traps, but the little buggers are too crafty. What else can I do?
I heard somewhere that cats don’t like orange peel so spreading some of that around might work. Try planting an orange tree, or if you need a higher concentration of orangey goodness to obliterate those pesky moggies, hollow out 10,000 jaffa cakes and spread the innards all over your garden. If the jaffa lawn idea doesn’t work, I’d recommend capturing the cats and having them put down.
Stuart Pourer – Sumo Sweat Wiper
A few months ago I found an owl tangled up in the mesh fencing surrounding a local park. I cut it free with wire clippers, but the poor thing was too weak to fly, so I took it home. Slowly but surely, I have nursed that little owl back to strength on a mixture of warm milk and fresh mice. Over time, we have developed a strong bond and his strength has returned. He’s able to catch prey in the long run I’ve created in the garden, and I’m confident that he’d do great in the wild. Have you got any tips on releasing him back into his natural habitat?
You fool! After spending so long around humans, this owl will have lost its hunting and survival skills. He simply won’t be able to make it on his own in the wild. You should have him put down immediately!
Nicole Papa – Lambrini Spokeswoman & Enthusiast
My ex boyfriend bought a snake for our daughter, Shaneliza for Christmas. He bought it off a guy in a pub, and it didn’t come with a hutch or perches or anything. I think it might be ill because its skin keeps coming off and it doesn’t have any legs. None of us know anything about snakes, so we need some tips on how to take care of it. The snake is about the length of two empty wine bottles and is a beigey orange colour. Help!
Me and Indiana Jones share many things in common. We both carry an emergency whip, we’ve been chased by large boulders, and we have both been portrayed in a movie by Harrison Ford. More pertinently, we also share a deep fear of snakes.
Let me level with you Nicole; snakes should not be kept as pets. Seriously, look at that thing. In the same way that I dislike Stephen Hawking, I just don’t trust something that can’t walk but can still move around. It’s an abomination of God’s green Earth. I don’t usually say this to people, but I think you should have your pet put down.
Brian Herbie-White – Test Centre Tester
My dog keeps getting erections for no apparent reason. I tried patting its thing back down, but that just made things worse. It’s starting to get embarrassing, especially when I’m hosting a dinner party and my guests have to endure a horny dog staring them straight in the eye. How can I calm him down?
Let me ask you this. If you were sprouting spontaneous boners all the time, what would you do about it? Aside from having a lonely wank into a crisp packet whilst lubricating yourself with your own blubbery tears of failure, you’d probably want to go out and have sex. This is how your dog feels. I’d suggest finding yourself a bitch who owns a female dog. If that fails, go on the Internet and search for “Furries”. You might be able to hire out one of these people to help your dog find relief.
If none of these things work, then I’m afraid that your dog has a broken penis. Broken organs, sexual or otherwise, are never good news and it’ll only be a matter of time before this takes its toll on your pooch. The kindest thing would be to have it put down.
Alison Packard – Post It Note Maker
I’m a busy woman who juggles a high powered business career and two children. In between my long working hours, my evening classes and taking my children to their various after school clubs and activities, we barely even have the time to eat. Now my kids have started badgering me to buy them a pet, but I don’t know what kind of animal to get. Are there any suitable animals for the family that has little time in the day to devote to caring for them?
All animals require care and attention, and the sooner your bratty kids learn that, the better. Animals are miracles of nature, not consumer goods like an iPod or a battery powered sex aid. It sounds to me like you don’t have the resources to properly care for a pet. Frankly, if I ever hear of you or your family purchasing any animals, I’m sending the police round and reporting you for animal cruelty. If your children pester you about this again, I’d recommend having them put down.
Marissa Duracell – Civil Servant Slicer
My poor Gerbil recently passed away in a tragic incident involving a petrol fire, an articulated lorry, a flock of ravenous eagles, and a pickaxe. I miss her sooooo much! Is there any kind of witchcraft that can bring her back to life?
Being dead is no type of life for an animal to lead. You’ll find that your Gerbil becomes despondent and unresponsive due to its recent death, which will put a real crimp on its lifestyle. The kindest thing to do in a situation like this is to have it put down.
Well, that’s all we have time for folks. I hope this has proved to be a useful guide in animal care and that you don’t kill your stupid pets anymore. In the immortal words of Porky Pig, “Th-th-th-thanks for readin’ my shit yo!”.