You have notifications pending on Facebook. Here's some of the tantalising, fun-filled action you've missed out on because you've not signed in for several days, you naughty boy!
17 of your friends updated their status. Some of the highlights include classic one liners such as "Just had beans for tea!" or the universally acclaimed "put my son in the bath. went outside to have a ciggy, came back and he'd slipped underwater. lol!".
I'm sure you'll agree, it's been an absolute laugh-riot while you've been away!
3 friends were also tagged in drunken pictures. 5 friends changed their profile pictures to ones taken in their bathroom mirror with a camera phone, whilst pouting. 7 friends posted albums worth of photos of their kids, which they're understandably proud of, so you should be too!
You've also been invited to join in with several thousands, pants-dampeningly exciting games. Log on now to join your friends in Vampires vs More Vampires, Superhero Bugaloo and Farmville 2: Foot And Mouth Outbreak.
On the subject of games, perhaps you'd be interested in building an entire city on City Blox? Thich is in no way a very poor re imagining of Sim City, if it was imagined by a man with no imagination.
Oh, by the way, your girlfriend just changed her marital status to Single. This is because you didn't respond to her on Facebook Messenger for 20 minutes, you heartless bastard! I mean, why did you even sign up to Facebook if you don't want to check Facebook that often? You disgust me.
To stop you offending any more people, we're seriously considering shutting down your account unless you log on within the next 2 hours. You'll also need to provide your mobile phone number, so we can legitimise your account, and we'll require some DNA samples, just to check that you're still you. We do this for your own good because you can't be trusted to manage your own friends and contacts. Why don't you ever tell everyone where you are at every moment of the day? Why don't you inform everyone what you ate for breakfast? Why, if you've ordered something and it turns up late, don't you rant about it online? You're alienating everyone, you twisted weirdo!
Love n' Kisses
I've got to admit, I'm a little scared.