Friday, 18 May 2012

You Have Notifications Pending

Is it just me, or is Facebook getting a little passive-aggressive in the notifications emails it sends out?

Dear Addman,
You have notifications pending on Facebook.  Here's some of the tantalising, fun-filled action you've missed out on because you've not signed in for several days, you naughty boy!
17 of your friends updated their status.  Some of the highlights include classic one liners such as "Just had beans for tea!" or the universally acclaimed "put my son in the bath. went outside to have a ciggy, came back and he'd slipped underwater. lol!".
I'm sure you'll agree, it's been an absolute laugh-riot while you've been away!
3 friends were also tagged in drunken pictures.  5 friends changed their profile pictures to ones taken in their bathroom mirror with a camera phone, whilst pouting.  7 friends posted albums worth of photos of their kids, which they're understandably proud of, so you should be too!
You've also been invited to join in with several thousands, pants-dampeningly exciting games.  Log on now to join your friends in Vampires vs More Vampires, Superhero Bugaloo and Farmville 2:  Foot And Mouth Outbreak.  
On the subject of games, perhaps you'd be interested in building an entire city on City Blox?  Thich is in no way a very poor re imagining of Sim City, if it was imagined by a man with no imagination.
Oh, by the way, your girlfriend just changed her marital status to Single.  This is because you didn't respond to her on Facebook Messenger for 20 minutes, you heartless bastard!  I mean, why did you even sign up to Facebook if you don't want to check Facebook that often?  You disgust me.
To stop you offending any more people, we're seriously considering shutting down your account unless you log on within the next 2 hours.  You'll also need to provide your mobile phone number, so we can legitimise your account, and we'll require some DNA samples, just to check that you're still you.  We do this for your own good because you can't be trusted to manage your own friends and contacts.  Why don't you ever tell everyone where you are at every moment of the day?  Why don't you inform everyone what you ate for breakfast?  Why, if you've ordered something and it turns up late, don't you rant about it online?  You're alienating everyone, you twisted weirdo!
Love n' Kisses
Facebook

I've got to admit, I'm a little scared.

27 comments:

  1. Oh my god, you are absolutely hilarious!

    Facebook is the biggest waste of time since One direction, but i think everyone is hooked on it. I check facebook every day. Hell, i check it every friggen hour! I'm an addict. God help me and others like me to see the light!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm in the same boat. I end up checking it a couple of times a week, and then instantly regret it. Still, I have a Muppets For Justice Facebook page which attracts a small number of people here.

      Delete
  2. I'm pretty sure they have something about surrendering your soul in their Ts&Cs too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Souls? Isn't that what powers Facebook?

      Delete
  3. TFF...I hate those Facebook messages. And I really hate the pretend requests from friends about joining stupid games.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Every time I go on I end up with 47 stupid game requests. At least they're not as intrusive as they used to be.

      Delete
  4. Finally! An honest Facebook message. I wish you wrote the notifications that were sent to me. If I could remember when anyone I know's birthday is, I'd dump Facebook or try to set it on fire somehow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could always write them on a calendar. Sorry, that suggestion isn't funny enough. You could etch them onto your retinas instead.

      Delete
  5. Funny thing I noticed on Facebook the other day: Facebook places ads on the sidebar that cater to your interests. Essentially, they track every website you go to. Well on my facebook, under an ad about hockey, there was an ad that read, "How to kick your porn addiction" with a picture of a sad, lonely man with a mustache. Zuckerberg, you piece of shit.

    Anyway, awesome post! I've received a few of these myself. They threatened my butthole if I didn't log on daily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It also does this based on things you've "liked". So if I were to Like, say, The Avengers movie, Facebook will start showing adverts on superhero paraphernalia. You have to think about what type of information you're giving them.

      Delete
  6. Awesome post! Would it be ironic (or just sad) if I posted a link to this on my Facebook???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do it! I'm a publicity whore. Do it I say!

      Delete
  7. Really funny--the way to take the alerts to the extreme. How do you get rid of the game pages you have no intent on joining? Then, if you make a comment, they send you everyone else's responses and clutter up your mailbox. Shish! Why do we do this to ourselves?

    http://francene-wordstitcher.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I can't say I've spent a long time with Facebook since the layout changed (about 3 times), but I think you can only block game requests by person. Or just "Ignore All" every time to login.

      Delete
  8. Just to keep us honest, FB is now rolling out a new feature that tells friends on Chat when we saw their last message. Nice to see Facebook hasn't lost its stalkerish roots (remember that it grew out of a rip-off of "Hot or Not"). I suspect that if Mark hadn't been technically inclined, his life would have taken a different direction and he'd now hold the world record for restraining orders against him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? Well it's a good job I've disabled Facebook chat. I don't know if it's improved lately, but the last time I used it two years ago it was horribly buggy and under featured.

      Delete
  9. Good one. Every single I reach out facebook "close my account" tab for all the reasons you had listed above. And this other things which freaks me out is, some guys in different time zone post their porn interest "the position I tried with Lucy Liu today" video and that gets seen in my profile by my collegues in different time zone and stays there till I go and hide the post which can be done only after sharing my phone number, SSN, my mother's maiden name and all such.
    Zucky needs a spank.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In a similar vein, I hate it how people can tag you in a photo without your permission, then all your friends can see that photo. Not that I'd ever be photographed disgracing myself in dustbin after a drunken night out...

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  10. Very funny posting and Facebook is like the worst thing I ever let my kids talk me into signing up for. I should have realized especially when they used to talk me into baking homeroom cookies and cupcakes knowing I cannot bake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your children have a lot to answer for.

      Delete
  11. I am that girl! I've broken up with someone because they didn't respond to a post or message within twenty minutes. There's no excuse for it. How long can a take a man to use the restroom?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That depends on what he's eaten.

      Delete
  12. Which translates into...
    "hey you've not been on Facebook enough and sharing every aspect of your life...sort it out now!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Basically, yeah. Or to put it another way "We wants more detailssss..."

      Delete
  13. Hilarious... I've never received notifications of what's been going on, though, but that's probably because I happen to log in at least once every 2 days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So that's the secret! Can I hire you to check my Facebook for me too?

      Delete
  14. Foot and Mouth Outbreak? Sounds awesome! I always fall for the invites to all those ridiculous games, then end up addicted and play constantly until I get so frustrated I start yelling at the game and everyone who plays it. What fun!

    ReplyDelete

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