Monday, 7 May 2012

PETA Killed My Penis

A few months ago, PETA released this information about how turning to veganism is turning men into veritable sex gods.  This quote really caught my attention:

For years, women have been open to the physical, emotional, and karmic benefits of veganism. But now, more and more men are discovering the perks of a plant-based diet. More specifically, a dramatic increase in their wang power and sexual stamina.

Naturally, I was intrigued by their claim of “increased wang power”.  I already possess a powerful wang, but the prospect of using it to subjugate entire kingdoms is too intriguing for me to ignore.  I’ll never have to reply to penis enlargement spam ever again, which is a shame because I’ve met some very friendly salesmen over the years that often send me .zip files.  Those files make my computer to do funny things.  But nevertheless, in the name of progress I will give veganism a try.  Here is a diary so far of my progress:

Day 1

I woke up with a massive craving for bacon sandwiches.  Out of instinct, I reached for the emergency supply of pork scratchings I keep by the bed, but then I remembered that pork is a kind of meat too.  This not-purchasing-dead-animals-to-feast-on-their-flesh lark is actually a lot more difficult than it sounds, so I’ve decided that I must avoid all temptation. 

I started by piling all of my meat on my front door step and inviting people to take it away for free.  A man from the local McDonalds came and stuffed it all into a container marked “Big Mac Meat”.  When I pointed out that I’d accidentally thrown some old magazines and cat litter into the pile, he simply shrugged and continued to gather up the goods.

So now I live in a meat free house!  This evening, the meat sweats started, leaving me feverish and shaking like a crack addict doing aerobics in an earthquake.  I tried to calm my nerves by eating a floret of raw broccoli, which was so underwhelming I just had to watch a documentary on wallpaper pasting techniques to liven things up.  No progress in the pants department yet.

Day 3

I’m trying to take my mind off meat by wallpapering my house.  I finished it off yesterday, but still didn’t feel any better, so I started again this morning.  I noticed that after a fresh bowl of steamed cauliflower water that I was sporting the biggest erection I’ve ever had.  I’m not sure if this was the effect of my new vegan diet, or the new roll of Hollyoaks wallpaper I’m going to put up in my youngest son’s room later.  Perhaps we might be seeing some progress.

Day 4

I was going to have some cornflakes and milk for breakfast, but then I remembered that vegans can’t consume dairy products.  I mean, what’s so wrong with dairy?  I could understand if it came from somewhere hideous, like the mammary glands of hoofed livestock, but it doesn’t and as such, it’s delicious.  Anyway, I decided to have muddy puddle water on my cereal instead.  I would have opted for tap water, but at this point I was looking for something a little more exotic to spice things up.

In terms of sexual prowess, I still haven’t managed to get rid of the hard on I got last night from moving a chest of drawers and accidentally holding it too close to my crotch.  I think it’s safe to say that the diet is working, but I feel rather light headed and dizzy all the time.  Not to mention that my constant trouser bulge makes me look like a hatstand for midgets.

Day 6

The little bastard just won’t stand down.  After a three day stiffy, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve done irreparable damage to my penis.  I mean, once the erection subsides, will it have stretched so much that I’ll have excess skin, like when fat people lose a lot of weight all at once?  I don’t want a flaccid penis that looks like a pug trapped inside a deflated parachute.

There have been some strange irregularities too.  I’ve been trying to get the thing to subside by pouring ice cubes shaped like the queen on my crotch, and injecting a local anaesthetic, but I swear that my penis looked at me.  I swear to God and all of his holy homies, my sexual organ peered upwards and studied my face.  Is this a side effect of becoming powerful, or am I going crazy?  There’s only one way to find out, and that is to continue the experiment.

Day 7

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I’ve been hearing voices today.  Today, after a delicious plateful of pea-skin sandwiches, I heard a low mumbling coming from within the confines of my trousers.  I swore I heard a voice saying something like “feed me”.  To check I wasn’t going nuts, I pulled down my pants in front of an open window just as a school bus went past.  I didn’t manage to locate the source of the voice, but a policeman has visited and kindly offered to board up my windows if I insist on shuffling around naked during the school run.

Day 8

I wasn’t going mad after all!  Today, whilst I was preparing a scrumptious lunch of potatoes on potatoes, I heard the voice again.  I tried to dismiss it, but then I heard a zipping noise coming from between my legs.  I dropped my potato peeler in horror as I watched my flies slowly unzip themselves.  My first thought was that I was being sexually assaulted by a randy ghost, but then I remembered that my uncle was still alive.  That did little to reassure me as I looked on in revulsion as my own penis emerged from its cradle, gazed up at me like a veiny Cyclops, and said “feed me, godammit!”

“Who are you?” I stammered with a mixture of abject terror, and irritation that my own anatomy was making demands on my already limited diet.

“Oh, that’s real nice!  I’ve been hanging around this joint for 25 years, getting put into places that Victorian explorers would deem to be ‘a bit farfetched’, and you act like you don’t even know who I am?”

In my insecurity, I began to feel around for the potato peeler whilst keeping eye contact with my penile assailant, just in case this confrontation resorted to violence.

“And don’t think I don’t know what you’re planning, fool!” stated my schlong “using that fucking peeler will only be hurting yourself.  Remember the time you put me in the VCR?  It’ll be like that, only there’ll be two motherfuckers screaming this time!”

I dropped the peeler.  This seemed to please my parasitic penis.

“Good choice, bitch!  Now lower me onto those ‘taters boy!”

More out of surprise than anything, I did as I was told.  What happened next will disgust those of you with penises, those of you without penises, and all those in between.  My penis literally ate a whole potato.  For a moment, I thought I was watching a nature documentary in which a snake swallows a bird egg that’s twice its own size.  Once it had finished, it smacked its lips and turned to address me once more.

“Good work, son.  Now, there’s gonna be some changes around here...”

Day 10

My life is a living hell.  My penis has been making demands of me for the last couple of days, getting me to do chores at its behest.  So far, I’ve had to burn all of my underwear, construct a strange hammock for my testicles out of a pair of swimmer’s goggles, and I had to drive to the garage and fill up several jiffy cans full of petrol.  I’m not sure what he wants with these things, but I’m not sure I want to find out. 

I tried to rebel against his tyrannical regime earlier by going onto the front garden, and trying to pull him off repeatedly.  I did this for several minutes and all that happened is that he was sick on me, and that policeman appeared again.  I asked the policeman to use his gun to shoot off my captor, but he said it looked like I’d already “shot a load”, and gave me a £1000 fine.

At the moment, he’s sleeping while I type this, as our struggle earlier apparently made him tired.  It’s only a matter of time before he wakes up, so I’m typing as quickly as possible.  Men of the world, I implore you, eat as much meat as you can.  Let the transfats of dead animals slowly move you towards a blissful state of impotency.  Most men already have no control over their penis, so you’re only one step away from the waking nightmare I inhabit.  Don’t let yourself become a slave to your penis!

26 comments:

  1. You have made me legitimately curious on many a point. What does a pea-skin sandwich taste like? And are there blueprints for a testicle-hammock crafted from a pair of goggles?
    You should make a stage play of this. That's what Little Shop of Horrors did, then it became a movie. Your tale is just a little...different.

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    1. I'm glad you got the completely unsubtle reference to Little Shop of Horrors. To answer your questions, a pea-skin sandwich tastes more like bread than anything, and there are no blueprints for the testicle hammock, you just stretch the band around your legs.

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  2. I guess there is no meat products in Viagra.

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    1. Nope, it's all made from ground up pictures of Megan Fox.

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    2. every part except her weird thumbs.

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  3. Can't...breathe...laughing...too...much...may...pass..out...

    Every single paragraph has a comedy treasure contained within. I seriously don't know how you do it!
    And I'm also constantly trying to take my mind off meat since I became single, er I mean a vegetarian.

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    1. Do you have to be single to be a vegetarian? Or do you mean...Oh, I see what you're getting at!

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  4. What? No tofu? Isn't it an excellent source of protein that might apease your powerful penis? Sounds as if you were lucky that kindly policeman kept popping by, what with the trouser trouble you were having.

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    1. I didn't have any tofu to hand, so I ate the nearest substitute I could find. Erasers. Not much protein in those.

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  5. The Victorian explorers bit was genius (as well as this entire post).

    So, am I to assume that day 2 was spent wall-papering the house?

    And should I call the police???

    -Barb the French Bean

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    1. Don't call the police. They've refused to help at least twice.

      Actually, I have no memory of day 2. Then again, I have no memory of Christmas 1998 either, not sure why...

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  6. Does your penis talk with a 40s Italian mob member accent too? Mine was incessantly smoking cigars and yelling at passer byers.

    Another genius post! Even the labels on the bottome right made me laugh. Even my penis had a good laugh before he too threw up on me.

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    1. No, my penis talks like a bad impression of a 70's black guy. He also keeps referring to me as a "cracka-ass fool". I'll be damned if I know what he's talking about.

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  7. Sounds like you need the help of Lorena Bobbitt!

    Great post! It had me laughing like a maniac! Thanks for this!

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    1. No, I don't think I'm that desperate. I'll just stare at a picture of Mickey Rourke until it calms down.

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  8. OMG I am still laughing. This was funnier than the guy suing BMW because riding his motorcycle gave him these same symptoms. :)

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  9. From beginning to end, this was brilliant and hilarious. A big juicy steak right off the grill still gives me a massive erection, so fuck PETA.

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    1. Its when it gives you an erection before it goes on the grill (or through the slaughterhouse for that matter) that you need to worry.

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  10. I remember one kid bragging he was vegan with a snickers bar in his hand. I'm not a baker, but I'm sure that has milk in it.

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    1. That's like vegetarians who eat fish. If it's a dietary or taste thing, fine, but those who do it ethically and don't feel sorry for fish is just weird.

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  11. What have you done to me!?! I am a vegan, but have never dated one. They annoy me, truth be told. I have heard they taste better, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Men are gross.

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    Replies
    1. Well at least we don't have cooties.

      Actually, yeah we are slightly disgusting.

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  12. I once lived with a Vegan who's idea of a great meal was rice and herbs...

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  13. Take it from me, they won't be earning any michelin stars for that.

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  14. I am drowning in tears and choking on my own breathing as I type out this comment.
    I'm still wheezing and snorting.
    I believe you have been totally inspired by your muse with this post.
    This is an absolutely brilliant and non-stop funny post! Yeah, you are some crazy-foo!

    Men should take heed and learn well from your experience and amazing insights!

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