Slenderman Or Heston

One is an Internet legend who frightens nerds across the world, causes memory loss, and keeps leaving his damn notebook in the woods.  The other is a TV chef who is best known for poisoning people through his experimental cooking at his restaurant/laboratory, The Fat Duck.  While the differences between Heston and Slenderman are vast, any casual observer will note that they do look rather similar.

So, if you are confronted at night by a ropey humanoid bastard, how can you tell the difference?  Should you run away, or defend yourself with liquid nitrogen?  It’s difficult to know when in a fight or flight scenario, but with these handy tips, you’ll soon be able to distinguish between these two in a heartbeat.

 

Which of these featureless orbs is Heston?

You know its Slenderman if:

• You begin to feel sick, dizzy and nauseous in his presence.

• He disappears if you have all 8 pages of his notebook.

• You drop your camera on the floor and it automatically lands upright, facing Slenderman as he slowly meanders towards you.

• His pinstripe suit doesn’t have blancmange on it.

• He is sabotaging your student film project with visual tearing, and inserting loud buzzing noises over all footage, even when he’s not on camera.

• You happen to be near a set of swings.

• He is surrounded by an eerie mist.

• Some of your friends have recently started hanging out in the woods with a video camera, and have repeatedly shown you grainy footage of a smartly dressed man in their homes.

You know its Heston if:

• You begin to feel sick, dizzy and nauseous after eating his food.

• He disappears if you have all 8 pages of his recipe book.

• He tries to feed you a Roasted Duck Eyebrow.

• His pinstripe suit has blancmange on it.

• He arrives straddling a giant chocolate sausage, declaring it to be a “traditional English breakfast with a twist”.  The sausage will then explode in a shower of edible midgets.

• He is surrounded by eerie liquid nitrogen.

• He cries if you try to enter a Little Chef.

Now that we have established the difference, you’ll know just how screwed you are if you encounter either of these after dark.  If you are exceptionally unlucky, there’s a chance that you might run into Moby.  If this happens, I’m afraid there’s nothing neither science nor religion can do to help you.  Good luck out there!