Subject S-263

Threat Level:  Green

Containment:  Subject S-263 is to be kept in a standard containment cell.  For comfort, a standard sized kennel (2m x 1m) and an old bedspread is sufficient.  Under no circumstances must Subject S-263 be exposed to any quantity of water other than the nutrition tube provided.

Description:  Subject S-263 is believed to be a member of the canine genus.  Its outward appearance is typical to that of the Beagle breed.  It has glossy eyes, typically patterned coat, and has no observable disfigurement or deformity.  DNA testing conducted by Dr S. Pattenbourg has proven that Subject S-263 is an adult male.

A close approximation of Subject S-263's outward appearance

Other than these facts, there is one factor that has marked Subject S-263 for testing.  That is its supernatural ability to bend light. 

Direct light sources are refracted around the body, and around the other side.  This produces an effect of complete invisibility, rendering the subject completely transparent.  Light on all spectrums has ultimately proven ineffective against this ability.  Shining opposing light sources from either side of Subject S-263 can cause extreme luminosity, although the subject is still not directly visible with the naked eye.

Initial containment of the subject proved to be a daunting task.  No agent was able to detect Subject S-263 through optical means.  Nightvision and infrared were rendered ineffective.  Agents reported feeling a knee level breeze as though a tail was being wagged in the vicinity, and could hear a faint panting in the room, but could observe nothing.  Agent Norton suffered a nervous breakdown, although this was concluded to be through situational stress and not an effect of exposure to Subject S-263 itself.  The subject was contained after Agent Howe threw a packet of Bonios into a paddling pool filled with paint, where the subject could be observed and detained.

Subject S-263 has since been painted to look exactly like a Beagle.  This is to reduce occupational stress upon our researchers and for practical means such as location and testing of the subject.   Visually, the subject now appears to be an ordinary specimen for its species, thanks to these measures.

The area where Subject S-263 was contained.  The occupants of the house were not aware of the subject.

Research Notes:

10/10/2009 – Dr. Holloway has been observed testing the intelligence level of Subject S-263.  Although an exact IQ has yet to be established, Dr. Holloway spent 35 minutes throwing a ball for the subject, and having it returned to him.  No unusual behaviour displayed.

12/10/2009 – Dr. Holloway has ordered an increase in nutrition to increase the stamina of Subject S-263.  I’m unsure as to how this will help us identify the invisibility gene in the subject, but have complied with this request.  See Appendix 39 for supplement breakdown.

14/10/2009 – I am starting to fear for Dr. Holloway’s sanity.  He’s been observed rubbing the stomach and abdomen of Subject S-263 profusely, and has taken to using the phrase “who’s a good boy?” in casual conversation.  I have posted a recommendation of Dr. Holloway’s removal from the project to a Level 4 Project Leader, but have so far not heard anything further on the matter.  I am writing a research paper on a hypothesised psychic connection between Dr. Holloway and Subject S-263 which is causing extreme fondness in them both.

15/10/2009 – Site 12 was put on lockdown today after Dr. Holloway attempted to take Subject S-263 for “walkies”.  Security personnel have contained the breach.  Dr. Holloway has been reprimanded and moved onto another project (rumoured to be the vastly more dangerous Subject S-101).  I will be taking over as the Head Researcher on this project.

19/10/2009 – Dawwwww, he’s so cute!  Good boy!  Very good boy!

Guest Post - Pickleope

-Unfortunately for you regular readers, I am on holiday this week.  However, it seems that things have worked out in your favour because, rather than trying to understand my usual inane waffle, you've got someone with talent to fill in instead.  The post below was written by the wonderfully marvellous Pickleope.  For more pickled goodness, go and visit Pickleope.com.

First and most importantly, thank you to Addman for this opportunity to share his space. I appreciate the generosity and the help in getting me closer to be a professor of bullshit. (If you write enough about stupid stuff, they give you an honorary degree, right?)

It was whilst reading Muppets for Justice that I read about Addman’s dream of becoming a Cryptozoologist. And I would like to help him. Though it’s not exactly cryptozoology, ghost hunting is a similar I’m not sure if ghost hunting is the same thing, but it’s a similar profession wrapped in bullshittery.  Perhaps he can start a new career as professional shoveller of nonsense if he can answer my paranormal quandaries.

Tangent:

By the way, “paranormal quandaries” would be a great, albeit confusing, name for a proctology office. “My poop is in the shape of an uppercase Q and whistles ‘Call Me Maybe’ when I flush. I think I need to see my proctologist over at Paranormal Quandaries.”

End tangent.

Here are some of the things I can’t figure out about ghosts despite watching Ghostbusters almost 90 times (almost because I was kind of drunk the last time and passed out before Dan Aykroyd gets a hummer from a ghost…weirdest scene in any movie ever).

No smoke without ghosts.

Do ghosts think Halloween is racist against ghosts? You know? Like is wearing a sheet the equivalent of black-face to a ghost? Like a ghost minstrel show?

How come there aren't any monkey ghosts? And would a monkey ghost be as cute and charming as a living monkey?

What's the appropriate amount of time to wait from when a spouse dies to try to have sex with his/her ghost? You know, rock that ectoplasm? “Til’ death do us part,” is a convention of the close minded. If my spouse comes a-haunting, I would like to make sure that we’re still simpatico. Maybe ghost/human sex is the best thing ever, but also, I don’t want to freak out the freshly dead. So how long should we give our dead partners to transition before lighting some candles, putting on some Luther Vandross, and letting nature take its course. Also, do I have to worry about pregnancy or STDs with ghosts? I don’t want ghost-Herpes.

If ghost-Tupac meets hologram-Tupac would that destroy the space-time continuum? (That’s a question from my mom. She saw that clip on YouTube while she was toking off a giant blunt.)

What's funnier, a ghost dressed like a wizard or a fat ghost in an ill-fitting shirt and Daisy Dukes? (That’s my mom asking again. She smokes a lot of weed.)

If I want to be a ghost should I just have a lot of unfinished business? Like maybe start a bunch of craft projects and leave them in a closet? I’m not sure if I’m righteous enough to go “up” so to speak, but I certainly don’t want to go to Hell, so maybe I should split the difference. (I just wrote that and realized I was okay with writing “Hell” but squeamish about writing “Heaven”. Sorry, just a weird insight into my madness.)

If there's a ghost in my bedroom masturbating, should I politely let him finish or is more polite to turn on a porno?

Do ghosts use the bathroom? Elvis died on the toilet, so is he locked in eternal poo?

If we get to keep your clothes when we die (you never see a naked ghost), should I start dressing like Spider-Man all the time just in case?

I think the idea of a ghost in a Spider-Man outfit is a perfect place to go out on. Thank you again to Addman, a gentleman and a scholar.

Paranormal Post-Its

It’s tiring leading a double life.  By day I masquerade as a lowly, humble pornography dispenser at railways sidings, but this is merely a day job.  At night is where my real work can be conducted, away from the nervous eyes and closed minds of the general populace.  Little do my friends and family know that I am also a paranormal investigator.

Sure, I haven’t worked as a paranormal investigator in any official sense, but I have watched many straight to TV Sci Fi films, and have been able to guess the endings to X Files episodes with a 65% accuracy.  It’s astounding that I haven’t been able to convert this uncanny ability into any kind of monetary wealth, so much so that it could be considered paranormal in itself.  I ought to look into that.  Regardless, I thought I’d talk to you about some of the supernatural oddities that I have encountered during my investigations.

My first case started back when I was 11.  I was just an ordinary kid, eating worms and trying to figure out alternative uses for elastic bands, charting trajectory and velocity, and making mental notes in the name of science.  At school, we were all used to blackboards or chalkboards, but our school was blessed to receive a rare, exotic whiteboard.  This was gifted to us as part of a government grant for having the least decapitated pupils in our area for the academic year.  Whiteboards are just like blackboards except they are a little bit pale in comparison, and you write on them with markers instead of chalk.  Markers that mark things.  The kind that if you marked your own face with one in an attempt to look like a tiger, your mother would pour liquid soap into your eyes and scream “Why won’t it come off!?” while your dad dials for an ambulance.

Markers are for boards, not faces

 I sat in the inaugural lesson in which the whiteboard was unveiled.  A lady popped open a bottle of champagne, a brass band was teleported in, and streamers came out of my ears in celebration.  Once the fuss had calmed down, the teacher went about her usual business of teaching us how to breathe, or something equally unimportant.  Just as the class was nodding off, the teacher nonchalantly picked up a scraggy cloth, and wiped the letters away.  They just disappeared as though they had never been there.

“What kind of devilry is this?!” I shrieked from the back of the room, leaping from my desk and knocking over three other students in my surprise.  As I went to the front of the class to conduct an investigation into this matter, I was restrained by the teacher and removed from the room.   I was never allowed to conclude my experiments, and was promptly excluded after urinating on the board during break, trying to lure the demons out with the nearest holy water substitute I had to hand.

As I grew up I came across more and more strange incidents that are unexplainable by religion, science, or a curious blend of the two that I like to call, reliance.  When I was 17, I woke up for my nightly poo only to find that the toilet seat was mysteriously warm.  No one else had sat on the toilet since I had 10 minutes previously, when I felt having a sit down wee as a treat.  So why was it warm?  Had hot ghosts been using my bathroom?  I was so frightened that I couldn’t finish and had to go back to bed unsatisfied.

A nice toilet will attract a classier sort of ghost

 More recently, I came across a set of paranormal post-it notes that would make your blood crawl and your hair boil.  Unlike ordinary post-its, these ones possess abilities that would make David Blaine eat his own shit.  Simply write something on them, as usual, then tear it off and press it flat against a wall or flat vertical surface.  Then, remove your hand, and these post-its stay in place as if by magnets!  I intend to write a 1000 page dossier on this phenomenon and present it to the Pope, asking how he could allow the production of possessed stationary.

If you have any mysteries that you’d like me to look into, please take my business card.  If you can’t reach them from wherever you are, simply write about your experiences in the comments box below.  I’ll respond to you as soon as I’ve finished molesting the invisible man who sleeps in my bed.

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For more Muppety goodness, I've done a guest post over at Elton Says Things.  Go and read it, then go and read his stuff.  All of it.  Once you're done, you can probably go and read something else.