Thank you for signing up to Dogging Times, the UK’s premier online newsletter for dogging hobbyists, amateur and professional alike. We are pleased to publish a bumper edition this week, full of handy hints, tips and editorials from industry veterans. Whether you’re new to the hobby, or a veritable connoisseur of all things dogging, I’m sure you’ll find something useful in this instalment.
What You Will Need:
• A Car – Anything with dropdown seats will be fine, but remember, space is comfort.
• A Wife – No one turns up to a dinner party without a bottle of wine!
• Contraception – Condoms, femidoms, morning after pills, bin bags, whatever you need. The details are at your discretion.
• Lube – Vaseline is the industry standard, but anything slippery will do. Fairy liquid will do if Vaseline is too expensive.
• Reading Materials – This isn’t compulsory, but it is considered polite. There will be times when people are waiting for their turn, and a range of magazines helps to pass the time.
As we all know, it can be difficult to find a secluded spot to engage in our pastime, and it can be especially embarrassing to climb naked into someone’s car, only for them to be parked in that lay by for legitimate reasons like engine failure.
Anyway, I’d recommend staying away from urban areas altogether. The general public just don’t seem to appreciate the beauty behind you rutting with a complete stranger in the back of a convertible BMW Z3, even if it is the deluxe model with oak panelling and chamois wipe clean seats. It’s a beautiful machine, it really is.
Next, try and stay away from farmland. A lot of the UK countryside is taken up by farms, so be doubly sure you’re not parking on an irate farmer’s land otherwise you’ll end up with a buttload of buckshot in your..well..butt. Farmers can’t see well in the dark, and the sounds of your intense lovemaking carrying across the valleys are easily mistaken for rabid livestock, forcing farmers to try and kill the offending animals before they infect the entire herd. Mrs Brown really does make some odd noises whilst in the throes of passion.
Otherwise, fields are generally good places to meet. Don’t go too close to the road or you might attract the attentions of a passing police car, or even worse, a breakdown truck. Being towed down the hard shoulder of the M1 whilst attempting an intense lovemaking position (the Backwards Howler Monkey, if you’re interested) can become really complicated, let me assure you.
The Doggers Code (Dos and Don’ts):
1. Good things come to those who wait. Be patient, don’t cut in line, and sit quietly in your car when you’re not participating.
2. Don’t play music. Not only will this attract the attention of outsiders and advertise our whereabouts, it can also be a real mood killer. I remember when I first started, there was a young lad who’d play the latest Kiss Garage ’98 or whatever dance bollocks was doing the rounds then. Trying to keep rhythm to 200+ BPM is something even a Gerbil would struggle to do.
3. If you’re going to watch, don’t talk, and don’t offer tips or advice. No one appreciates it.
4. If your windows have steamed up, you’re blocking the show! Turn the air con on, or crack open a window.
5. Don’t be jealous! Remember, sharing is caring.
Tales From The Dog Track:
One of the worst aspects of dogging is taking your car for an MOT. Unlike you, your car doesn’t recharge in between bouts of sexual gymnastics, so it can come as a surprise when you find out the effects your exploits have had on your vehicle.
Although dogging is generally considered to be an inexpensive hobby (at least, people in the street are always calling my wife “cheap”, which I assume is what they mean), you’d be shocked at the amount I’ve spent on our Ford Fiesta. Everything has had to be replaced at some point. The suspension needs a total overhaul on an annual basis. I can always tell when it’s time for an MOT as the car starts to scrape across speed bumps. This also wears out the underside of the chassis, and being able to see daylight through the floor isn’t considered to be particularly healthy, even if you can pop your feet through and run like you’re in The Flintstones.
Then there are the seats. I have to have new backseats put in every year, and the front one doesn’t tilt anymore, meaning that I can’t relax whilst receiving oral sex anymore. I’ll have to replace this at some point too.
Sometimes, if you get a lively Philly in the back, your car ends up with the most unexpected injuries. Miss Goss spent 20 minutes on the back seat, during which time she put a fist through my back window, and kicked off my handbrake, sending the vehicle into a ravine. It’s great when you find someone who expresses themselves sexually, but sometimes I think restraints should be allowed in dogging. Stirrups and chains in the boot of your car might give the wrong impression though.
Due to our pastime, decent healthcare can be quite difficult to come by. Those do-gooders in the NHS tend to frown at us when we try to get treatment for our dogmatic ailments, at the “expense of the taxpayer”. Doctors fail to recognise Athlete’s Testicles as a real condition. Private healthcare companies such as Bupa don’t tend to cover us either, because we’re a “liability”. They fail to recognise that when we get that feeling, we need sexual healing.
Either way, you’re going to need some good excuses to save yourself some blushes at the doctors. Here are some common problems and some good excuses to get you by:
Blue/Bruised Balls – “I was playing with a newton’s cradle when my trousers and pants slipped down”
Stretched Labia – “I was rushing to the loo when I got it trapped over a door handle”
Scratch/Bite/Fingernail Marks – “A colony of ferrets has taken up residence in my wardrobe. They attack me whenever I try to put on a shirt”
Gonorrhea – “I sat on a public toilet. You can catch it that way, right?”
Phew, wasn’t that all jam packed with exciting titbits? A little bit like my Ford Transit on a Saturday night! Hahaha! I hope you’ve found this informative, enlightening and ... informative. Next week’s instalment includes some ideas for nibbles and dips for your dogging party, and what to do when someone brings a chinchilla. Tally bye!