Friday, 10 February 2012

The Big Freeze

Shocking incidents have been occurring up and down the UK this week. Millions of people have reported white flecks of crystallised water falling from the clouds and blanketing the ground. This unprecedented phenomenon has caused slight disruption to transport system, and has caused many people to experience slippery underfoot conditions.

Whilst experts are speculating on the nature of this unusual incident, many religious groups are branding it “Devil’s Dandruff”. Due to the drop of temperature in the usually clement month of February, many leading science teachers believe that this white, solid rain may freeze and cause two killer scenarios known as “Ice” and “Frost”. People are advised not to emulate Torvil and Dean, as they may snap their spines during this unrepentant end of times.

Of course, this is all hyperbole. Without wanting to carp on the sensational nature of the media again, this is almost how the “Cold Snap” or “Big Freeze” is being reported this year.

What the pissflaps is that?

I’m sorry, but the “Big Freeze”? Why do we have to attribute a hysterical title to a naturally occurring weather front? Come April time, will the news be reporting on the “Big Grow”? Or perhaps the “Massive Melt” in August?

It’s just snow. Bloody snow that’ll melt and turn to murky slush in a couple of weeks. Sure, it’s a bit colder than usual (thanks climate change!), but nothing that a thick jumper won’t fix. Even your nan, who according to the media is at “special risk”, would just tell you to put on an extra layer and get on with it, you sopping great dickless wonder!

The shops at the weekend were swarming with people buying ludicrous amounts of bread and milk. Unless they intend to churn and mature the milk into a delicious cheese and host a cheese sandwich party for the entire town, I don’t see why people need so much bread and milk. Why not buy Pop Tarts? You can always drink tap water, or Irn Bru from the tap if you live in Scotland. If you’re going to go shopping crazy, why not buy that delicious, sugar-filled cereal you’ve had your eye on, safe in the knowledge that any weight gain will insulate you and stand you in good stead for the harsher weather? Why not buy a 200 strong pack of novelty curly straws, tape them together into a liquid assault course, and race your husband/wife/other half in the world’s nuttiest drinking contest? Why not buy a unicycle and a French stick for a riveting unicycle polo tournament? You might as well do something interesting if you get stuck in the house.

People in Europe and other snowy places think it’s hysterically funny how badly Britain copes with snow. As soon as the mercury hits -1, flights get cancelled and people flock to the shops for emergency supplies. Snow shovels go out of stock in seconds, forcing B&Q to go into meltdown (ironically for this time of year), all while people in Slavic regions enjoy a relaxing Jacuzzi in liquid nitrogen and go skinny dipping underneath frozen lakes.

Nothing could ever interrupt Rover's walkies

As a country that was once invaded by and bred with the Vikings, why can’t we handle a little frost under our bear belts every so often? Even if it causes our longboats to shrivel up a little bit, where’s the hardy spirit that had Norse warriors traverse the North Sea to find a land nearly as ravaged by ice as theirs was? I don’t really know where I’m going with this Viking theme, but I wanted to make a pun about my longboat, which has carried many a maiden to Valhalla and back. I suppose what I’m saying is, you’d expect us to be made of hardier stock.

Although the snow has yet to get anywhere near as bad as last year (or “Snowmageddon”), you’d be forgiven for thinking that the British public has never seen a single snowflake. I hope it snows more than ever, if only to whip the weather presenters up into such frenzy that they think the world is coming to end and start indulging themselves in their every waking perversion, live on air, before they die. And once the BBC, the last bastion of goodness in this shallow husk of a planet, falls to corruption and becomes a high budget version of Babestation, I can begin my eventual climb to world domination. Myessss, myesssss! Anyway, I must be off, I have plans to make. Robot armies don’t build themselves. Toodle pip!


  1. The meteorologists report the weather in the same fashion where I live. "The wind chill factor will drop below 0ºF shifting the survival rate to 4.7%." Same thing happens every year; I swear grocery/department stores must be in cahoots with the media.

    Great post!

  2. I am astonished by how many people have cancelled their camping plans this weekend because of the "snow".
    February is the exact middle of winter. the exact chuffing middle.
    ever year.
    the sound of their waivering voices just fuels my rage and the only concelation i cant take from all of this is the joy of politely informing them theres is no way they can have their deposits back.
    i like to think of it as my own brand of idiot tax.
    plus - its not snowed once here, and im spitting distance from wales - and its always bloody cold over there!
    nice post btw.

  3. Go back to Viking roots, aye? Pillage and rape for all! When you create your robot army, can I remove my brain, put it into a robot and have eternal life? That would be cool.

  4. That's precisely why the news reports these things as "the Big Freeze," or "Snowmageddon" like they called it last year--so that everyone will rush out to the nearest supermarket and spend thousands stocking up on food and water, and maybe more thousands at the local hardware shop buying flashlights and generators. It's a brilliant marketing strategy if you think about it...

  5. And everyone thought that I was putting on weight this year, because I'm, a greedy, lazy, lardy-arsed skank, who eats her own body weight in chocolate. But it is as you have clearly pointed out Addman, this is very much to do with insulating one's self, from the harshness of the current weather conditions...and nothing to do with the fact that an 18 box of Ferrrero Rocher, has gone down to the bargain price of £2.

    Thank you, for conclusive evidence of my recent weight gain.

  6. rover is walking through the massive melt from the big freeze

  7. Sorry, Addman, but I personally like to encourage this meteorlogical hysteria.

    Two words: Snow day.

    Whether it be two feet or two flakes, if it gets me a day off work I'll be out there with a placard and a megaphone announcing the end of all things, a giant frozen doom coming to saw our lower legs off and freeze our PG Tips solid before we can even get it to our lips.

    Snow day. Please, sky. Snow day.

  8. AGHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's SNOW! Holy crap, we're all done for! Oh My God! Run.
    Unless it's too deep. Then you should ski.
    That reminds me of that time I went skiing. Good times. MMMMmmm. Apres ski.
    Now what were we all worked up about, again? Oh yes, frozen water. Nasty stuff, that. Unless it's being utilized to chill my beer. I like beer. A lot.
    Whoo! I'm going to take off all my clothes and roll around in the snow. I frickin' love snow!

  9. I was going to leave a comment but then I started thinking,"What if my comment suchs?" I mean, what if it's the worst comment you've ever had? Like commentgeddon or worse even! It's way too scary for me to even contemplate so . I'm sorry, but I won't be leaving a comment today.

  10. We've had less snow than usual after a really cold, wet fall. Enjoy the white stuff. Meeting you from A to Z.

  11. Canadians often make fun of the British over their fear of snow but I thought it was just an exaggerated stereotype. Now I know better.

    (Also, the Devil's Dandruff is the best name for snow I've ever seen).

  12. Here in Colorado, we get the devil's dandruff (I can't think of a better way to describe it) regularly, and yet people still act like it's some kind of huge shock. It snowed in February! A winter month! Whaaaat? I mean, how is that possible? Better drive 20 mph under the speed limit!

  13. Love those religious groups. Honestly, they come up with the best "catch-phrases". I didn't know you were into one. hahahaha

    Vikings ... maidens to Valhalla and back. Oh come one, I almost choked on that one.

    Well, snow is totally cool for a week. Yeah then it becomes snowmageddon or whatev.

  14. Sorry everyone, I've been away for a few days, so haven't been able to respond to your comments. Thanks for all the great responses, I'll try and answer you all now.

    @Chiz - Nice theory. I suppose they make a massive deal out of the heat in summer to encourage people to buy suncream, ice cream, and other types of creams.

    @Bumferry - I'd have thought that campsites would be rather quiet in the middle of February. You should take a day off.

    @Pickleope - I can remove your brain and put it into a viking, if you'd like. No particular reason.

    @Mich - I think you and Chiz are onto something. You should write a letter to Conspiricist's Monthly. I bet you anything it'll get printed.

    @Lily - You're welcome. Any true viking prefers a warm, hardy woman who can survive long traverses over blistering seas than a skinny waif, anyday.

    @Dopdavid - Well done on beating me at the caption contest.

    @Ash-Matic - I'd say you were work shy, but I'd take sledging any day over working, even when it's not snowing.

    @Flip - "Whoo! I'm going to take off all my clothes and roll around in the snow." Sounds like Bear Grylls.

    @Greg - The worst comment I've ever had was someone telling me to fuck myself with a knife, so I doubt your comment would ever be that bad. Unless you replaced knife with swordfish.

    @Adam - You can recreate the effect by dressing in thick woolens and pouring ice cubes down your trousers.

    @Susan - "Enjoy the white stuff" Oh god! You've opened the door for Whitney Housten jokes! Barricade the doors!

    @Dwei - Considering that I often get called a jam-guzzling limey, I think I can handle being mocked over an aversion to snow. Next time I get insulted like that, I'll say "Look Grandma, at least I'm not scared of snow!"

    @Beer - If there's one thing I've learned from South Park, it's that Colorado is always filled with snow. Good luck to you!

    @Psycho - "Vikings ... maidens to Valhalla and back. Oh come one, I almost choked on that one." Well, it is called a longboat for a reason.

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