• Gentlemen are not allowed to sit down at the table if a lady is present. All males must remain standing throughout the entire meal until the lady leaves the room, or if she initiates opposite day.
• Fish courses must be eaten in a counter clockwise fashion.
• If salad is served on a Tuesday, it is customary to eat it with your spoon. Wednesdays constitute forks. Thursdays require chopsticks. On Fridays, the salad has to be inserted in the mouth of the person sitting to your left hand side.
• Pre-dinner prayers are encouraged and will win favour with fellow guests. Pagan chanting is acceptable. Bloodletting and pentagrams are frowned upon.
• You must not begin your meal until the host has swallowed his first mouthful. The host must show the interior of his mouth to the guests (including underneath his tongue) to prove that the food has been swallowed.
• It is perfectly acceptable to bring your own dining apparatus with you. Such items may include a Soup Slicer, Fish Squeezer, or Meat Jug.
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| A photograph of me, last week. |
• When selecting utensils, always work from the outside in. Finished utensils must be placed on the dinner plate at 27.8 degree angle, otherwise your plate shall not be collected and your next course shall not be provided. Anything less is savagery.
• You must refrain from using your fingers in any capacity during the meal. Fingers are the devil’s digits which tempt us to touch ourselves inappropriately. As such, do not eat food with your fingers, point at people, or hold cutlery with your fingers under any circumstance.
• If served with sprouts, this is a subtle hint from the host that he hates you and wants you to leave.
• Any opinions expressed at the dinner table by a member of the working class must be greeted with uproarious laughter, before a swift beating is laid out upon the perpetrator. Although, if you are attending a dinner party when serfs are present, you strongly need to reconsider the type of company you keep.
• If Mozart is playing during dinner, one may initiate a sports topic for polite conversation. If Verdi is playing, one may discuss classic literature. Bach equals fine art, and Rachmaninov equals dogging.
By following these guidelines, you will ensure that you are the belle of the ball. Incidentally, if anyone would like to attend one of my illustrious events, I’m holding one this weekend. You are cordially invited to wait on us and serve wine throughout the evening, as long as you keep your mouth shut.
