W – Wizards

Everyone loves a good wizard, don’t they?  They do a lot of wonderful things, such as shooting lightning bolts from their fingers and wearing pointy hats.  When they’re not doing those things, they tend to speak words of wisdom, and grow fantastic beards, like the grandparents you wish you had.

Many of you may already have your own favourite wizard, but are they really a wizard?  They might be a warlock, who is a male witch.  Or they might be a necromancer, who tends to raise skeletons and zombies from the dead.  With so many different types of magic user out there, it’s important to know how to classify them correctly.

Wizards are predominantly male.  This isn’t through some kind of gender discrimination where women who apply for wizarding positions are routinely overlooked in favour of their male counterparts.  No, this is because most women lack the ability to grow a magical beard.  A beard is the most magical property a wizard can own.  In a similar way to how Samson drew his strength from his locks of hair, wizards can channel paranormal forces through their facial fuzz.  As such, the wizarding world is sorely lacking in ladies, except for my aunt Ada, who is the only woman I know who managed to grow a successful beard.  She also tends to scream a lot and throw her cats-I mean familiars, at passing trains.

A group of wizards is called a Band

 Due to the lack of a woman’s touch, wizards tend to live isolated lives in stone towers.  They don’t tend to go for soft furnishings or comfy sofas, instead preferring wooden chairs and crystal balls.  Sometimes, I think Gandalf could do with a lady in his life.  At least they would encourage him to wash his robes once in a while.

Robes are another valuable resource in the wizard’s wardrobe.  Normal clothes only prove to be a distraction for a magic user.  When you’re busy throwing lightning spells at a dragon, the last thing you need is to be worrying that your shoes match your jacket, or finding your mobility limited due to wearing a pair of leather trousers.  So that settles it; plain grey, black or white robes all the way.  I tried to replicate this style by wearing nothing buy a dressing gown once, but was promptly arrested after being challenged to a dual by a local child, and reaching for my wand.

Now that you’re aware of these points, you’ll be well placed to spot a wizard.  However, Even though you might now be the authority on wizard recognition, let me throw a curveball in your direction.  How would you categorise Wizadora?  She’s not a witch, her name suggests that she’s a wizard, but she doesn’t have a beard!  She’s like the jaffa cake of magic; uncategorisable.

Or perhaps she's one of Santa's elves?