Addman Gets Political

Last week a terrible incident occurred on the streets of Woolwich in the UK.  Two extremists brutally murdered a British soldier on the streets, in broad daylight and in front of bystanders, in the name of Islam.  But I’m not here to talk about.  Everything that has to be said about the incident has already been said.  I will, however, mention that the victim who is constantly referred to on the news as “drummer Lee Rigby” always reminds me of Eleanor Rigby.

“Drummer Lee Rigby, picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been…”

As stated, I’m not here to speak of the incident itself.  I am here to speak of the response to it.
Since this awful event occurred, the country seems to have been gripped by an unprecedented wave of Islamophobia.  Attacks on people based solely on religion have increased considerably in the last week, not to mention that several mosques have been attacked across the nation.  The main driving force behind this is the English Defence League, a group of meandering skinheads looking to fight anyone who doesn’t share their pigment or penchant for shirtless violence.  For those of you in America, imagine if the Tea Party had a couple of thousand undisciplined foot soldiers and you’ll be halfway there.

The EDL showed up at Westminster over the bank holiday to protest “against Islam”, which is something of a wide scope.  Rather than focus on extremist groups, the EDL have targeted the whole religion with one broadly racist stroke with their xenophobic paintbrush. Considering that there are 1 billion muslims on Earth, the EDL would have more success with a smaller focus group such as bald people, or people over the age of 80, but hey, if you’re going to fight extremists, you’d better be prepared to go to the extremes.  Right?

Despite calling themselves the English Defence League in order to draw comparisons to the Justice League (although I would be inclined to at least listen to them if they had Batman amongst their numbers), I’m unsure as to what the EDL are defending us against.  If this video is anything to go by, I think the English Defence League is just as confused about their defensive responsibilities:

Their general message seems to be that they “preserve the British way of life”.  In their minds, that translates to swilling enough lager to chew through a rhinoceros liver and telling 3rd generation Asians who are British nationals and lived in London all their lives to “go back home”.
If that’s British life, I don’t want it to be preserved.  I want British morals to erode if those morals amount to getting so pissed every weekend that you wind up putting your penis in a bottle bank.  For a country that has thousands of years’ worth of history, our culture doesn’t exactly amount to much.  Coronation Street and liver failure isn’t the foundation for a proud institution.
I would argue that immigration brings a lot to the country.  Immigrants bring new skills, new cultures, and newness all round.  When your average Brit is content to move to Southern France or Spain as soon as they earn enough money, not to mention the average white British layabout who considers a job in McDonalds to be “beneath” him, someone needs to fill in the skills gap.  Our service and medicine industries are propped up by immigration policies.  It’s certainly nothing that we need to be defended against.

This seems to be the main stumbling point for the English Defence League.  For a defensive protest group, I don’t feel very well defended by them.  I want to be defended from the type of logic loops that lead to blind hate.  I want to be defended from football hooligans who join their protests in the hopes of a good, old fashioned ruck.  I want to be defended against getting glassed through blind hatred.  Frankly, I don’t feel that the EDL will provide the kind of support I need.  I’m sure my lack of support for them would lead to a prompt Newky Brown bottle to the face and a blood transfusion.  At least Batman defended Gotham even when the city despised him.  Yes, I like Batman, so what?

I was hoping that this was a short lived fad, but it appears that the campaign of hate is gathering steam.  Over 50 demonstrations across England are set to take place tomorrow.  Who will defend us against the defenders?  Perhaps a strategic retreat would be the best plan.

Repeat

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For those who have, thank you.

Muppets For Justice Podcast

It's here!  The much touted Muppets For Justice podcast has finally arrived and can be listened to right here:

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Credits:

Big thank yous to the following people for lending their vocal talents to episode 1:

Kate N - The Suddenly Kate Show:  For providing the voice for the naked house warming sketch

Bumferry Hogart - Thoughtless Gibberish:  For providing the voice of Hugh Huxley, the drunken wine coinesseur.

Chiz - Chiz Chat:  For providing the voice of James, the customer service rep.

Look out for more vocal work from other amazing Bloggers in future episodes.  I look forward to any feedback you can give me so that I can improve these podcasts in the future.

Thank you all.

I Have Nothing

Sorry folks, Muppets For Justice is closed for the day.  We apologise for your wait to get at our usually tasteful and artisitc wordcraft today, but I'm afraid we're all out of stock.

That's right, we're all out of funny.  Our fart joke cellar has been bled dry, we haven't been able to reorder any irony, and pigeons have got into the innuendo.  It's disgusting, I think they're making a nest in there.

We hope that normal service shall be resumed shortly once our supply problems have been addressed and resolved.  We'd like to thank you for choosing Muppets For Justice for your bi-weekly laugh and hope that we can continue to rely on your support once service is resumed.  Until then, I'm afraid there's very little else we can offer you on these pages.  Absolutely nothing.  This message is just to inform you that nothing hilarious is about to happen anytime soon.

As such, I recommend that you close your browser window and try again later.  We'd hate for you to read a whole article about nothing at all, thus wasting your time, our time, and everyone's time who has invested time in this up until this time.  I'd imagine that, being the discerning reader that you are, you'd recognise when your time is being wasted and when there is nothing further to read.  Only an idiot would stay on this page and read more.  There's not a lot else I can say on the subject.

Perhaps I could repeat myself for the fools who are still reading, but that would just be a waste of characters and bytes.  I'd just be a tiny burp in the cavernous void of the Internet, wafting around causing a slightly nauseating smell for anyone who it drifts near.  This is an utter waste of webspace.  If Blogger found out about this they'd suspend this account for taking up chunks of their server with useless drivel like this.

Although, if you think about it, I'm only typing this because I'm anticipating that you are going to read this far down the page, so in actual fact this is all your fault.  If you stop reading, I'll stop typing.

You're still reading aren't you?  What are you, a glutton for punishment?  Do you want me to type until my fingers bleed?  Until my fingers aren't fingers any more?  Until they are scientifically classified as "nubs"?  You sadist!  This is torture!  My hands are turning into a mushy pulp as I bash out this message.  I'm mashing my atrophied appendages against the keys in the hopes that sentient thought can be derived from my efforts.  Soon, even medically trained experts will not be able to decipher the difference from the keyboard and the strips of flesh clinging to the keys like a bush baby over a fire.  The slurp as I peel my palm off of my mouse is sickening.  You've reduced me to this!  You!  I'll hold you personally responsible!

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Yes, I don't really have a post today.  That's because I'm hard at work on the Podcast which will be launched this week (!)

Your Friend The Bee

Bees bees, the musical fruit.  The more you eat, the more you toot.  ~ Ancient viking poem on bees.

The plight of the bee is well documented at this point.  You've probably all heard the phrase Colony Collapse Disorder; a mysterious event where bee colonies suddenly and unexpectedly die.  This has been happening across the world for the last few years, with startling acceleration.

So what's causing the issue?  It has been speculated that mobile phone signals might be interfering with their navigation, causing them to be unable to find food.  Others have suggested that parasites or disease might be the root of the problem.  However, one bright spark suggested that pesticides (the insect killing chemicals they spray all over bee food sources) might be killing the bees.

This seems to be the most likely cause.  Who knew that insect poison might poison insects?  Of course, the bees weren't the target of the crop spraying, but that's similar to me infecting everyone in the world with HIV in order to try and kill Piers Morgan.

Obligitory bee picture for bee article

"But Addman, why are you so concerned with the plight of the bee?  Haven't you been known to tear apart hives like soft bread to get at the sweet, sweet honey?"

Yes, and that's exactly why I'm concerned.  No more bees means no more honey.  In fact, no more bees means no more flora and fauna in general.  Bees are the single most effective method for flowers to have sex with each other.  Through some complex mechanism that I was too busy doodling dragons on my biology book to full take in, bees get inside flowers, flowers have sex with them, then the bees go other flowers and spread the sperm around.  It's called pollination; a fairly new phenomenon that all flowers have been upgraded to with the latest patch.  It's so cutting edge that it's no wonder science hasn't yet thought of these consequences.

So, how can you help bees and beekind?  First off, don't spray them with a can of Raid.  If they enter your house, catch them in a glass and let them out outside.  They only sting if you threaten them, so a gentle touch should keep both you and the bee safe.  Don't shout at them, curse their mother's, or throw ball bearings at them from the opposite side of the room.  In fact, a bee sting equals certain death for the bee as it tears out it's own digestive tract with the sting, meaning that it will only use it as a last resort to protect the hive.  If you're really scared and squeamish, just open all your doors and windows and wait for it to leave.  Trust me, the bee doesn't want to stay in your house.  He has no interest in sleeping on your couch, watching Dog The Bounty Hunter and eating all your sliced cheese.  He'd much rather be out in the wilderness, naturing it up like a motherfucker.

Dear readers, I implore you, please be kind to the bees.  They are on the verge, and your kindness and understanding will help.  Allow flowers to grow in your garden that may attract bees.  Don't pave over your back yard just because you can't be bothered to maintain it.  Let the bees do that.  If we take away their pollen sources, as well as poisoning them, we're signing their death certificate.

I would also encourage you to have sex with the bees and try to repopulate the Earth with a hybrid race of rabid man-bees, but I have been assurred by a scientist that this isn't a viable option.  Instead, I beg you for your awareness and your support for the bees.

Natural Born Criminals

Awww, look at the cute little field mice gathering millet for winter fuel.

Sure, they may look cute and fluffy, but there is a whole level of depravity hiding underneath.  I can reveal that it is just a ruse. It's a mask for the seedy underbelly of mouse society which includes prostitution, gambling, and calling people "gay" in a derogatory manner.

The animal kingdom is inaccurately portrayed by the media. Thanks to mammilian sycophants such as Sir David Attenborough, animals are quite literally getting away with murder. Few nature documentaries have catalogued animal-on-animal gang violence. There are many bloody turf wars in Mother Nature's back yard that go virtually undetected by humankind.

After doing some investigative journaliam of my own, I'm ready to blow the lid on the horrendously heinous and downright deplorable criminal antics of the animal kingdom.

For example, I came across a sexually predatory moth. It is quite common for Atlas Moths to slip rohypnol into a rambler's water supply. Just last week a senior school camping trip was interrupted by a discreet rohypnolling, turning the students prone to be fluttered all over. They were found covered in that weird brown goo that moths secrete when you touch them.

Then there's the case of Seamus the lemur (aye-aye to be exact). Seamus was caught embezzling company funds through Borneo, thus avoiding taxes on literally billions of termites he'd excavated from trees. Who do you think has to pay for this shortfall? That's right, taxpayers like you and I. Yet, the courts refuse to prosecute Seamus because he is an "endangered species". Even the almost extinct shouldn't be exempt from the law, in my humble opinion.

Then we move onto the case of the moose that stalked a woman on Facebook. Once, while she was stuck in traffic, the moose stole her phone through an open car window, and Facebook raped her. The posts were illegible since the moose lacked the dexterity and fingers to type correctly, but we can be sure that "ghrhhrh rye hbhfj..rnr..r" which is an exact transcript of his post, is actually moose speak for "give me some of your sweet antler action". Such an invasion of privacy should not go unpunished.

Photofit of the perpetrator

Then we move onto the case of the lions at Knowsley Safari Park, who are running an illegal organ racket on the black market. On my last visit I witnessed two lions tear open a zebra carcass and run off with at least one heart and a liver between them. When I tried to flag this up with the park ranger, I was told to "stay in my vehicle" and promptly banned from the park. It makes me wonder if the keepers were in on the whole scam, perhaps taking a sneaky cut of the profits for their cooperation.

In fact, during my investigations I've noticed that it's not only animals that are involved in such activities. Sometimes they team up with humans to commit atrocities. I've heard reports of mafia bosses ordering people to "sleep with fishes", which constitutes as interspecies prostitution in my book.

I'm sure you all agree that something should be done to halt this animal crimewave. I urge you to write to your MP, member of congress, or the RSPCA and voice your concerns. Together, we can stop the animals.

Bad Sequels

Before I start today, I would like to thank everyone who has left supportitive comments about the podcast.  Some of you have offered your vocal services which I am planning to take you all up on.  You'll probably get an email from me soon if you've volunteered yourself.  Thanks to everyone involved and it's really touching to receive that kind of support.  I am aiming to get the first episode up and running by the 20th, but it could slide if additional vocal work is required.  I'll keep you all updated.

Anyway, let's get on with today's post.  Since the summer blockbuster is now vying for space on the silver screen, I've recently been contemplating films.  In fact, over 50% of all posts on Muppets For Justice are either about films, directly reference films, blatantly rip off films, or have been turned into feature films with my video camera and a collection of dolls.

After watching trailers for the spurious cash-in sequels that are inbound this year, I started to imagine my own sequels to popular films.  Here's a few that I cam up with:

Monsters Inc. In Administration - Mike and Sully attempt to steer their company away from bankruptcy during an economic meltdown in Monstropolis. 

The Elderly And Infirm:  Tokyo Drift - Fast and Furious sequel in which Vin Diesel and The Rock are still doing this shit well into their seventies.

Ghandi Almighty - God comes down to Ghandi and frightens him out of his nappy.

The Abruptly Ending Story - Sequel to The Never Ending....

The Amazing Spidergrandpa - Peter Parker uses his powers to frighten kids away from his lawn, and fashion webs into mobility aids to help him ease himself out of a chair.

There Used To Be Something About Mary - Cameron Diaz returns in this romcom sequel as the titular Mary.  The ravages of time have turned Mary to plastic surgery, making her look like an inflated trout with severe allergies.  Ben Stiller manages to get cum in his hair again.

American Werewolf On A Transatlantic Flight To London - Luckily, it's a day time flight, so no transformations occur.

So, turning this over to you creative bunch of readers, what sequels would you like to see?

Contagious Idiocy

Jeff sits alone in his cubicle.  The strobe light effect of his dilapidated monitor blinks with an insanity-inducing intensity.  There is a large pile of “urgent” work in Jeff’s in-tray, and Jeff knows that he needs to make a start on it lest Jeff get shouted at by his boss, again.  As he contemplates the task at hand whilst trying to avoid succumbing to madness from his incessant screen, he notices a mail icon appear on his taskbar.

An email has arrived.  An email that needs to be read before Jeff can even concentrate on his important tasks.  He clicks on the mail icon and takes his sweet time in reading the contents, relishing this tiny fractal of free time before he has to urge himself into submissive labour once more.  The email is from a work colleague informing him that the lifts in the building are broken.  This is the third time this month and is becoming something of a nuisance for the lazier members of the office, Jeff included.  He didn’t pack any sandwiches today either, meaning that Jeff will have to descend seven flights of stairs on the stroke of twelve, pick up a sandwich, and then ascend those same steps again.  This was the main downside of working on the top floor, more so than being the last out in the event of a fire.  Merely thinking about the journey made Jeff’s calf muscles quiver in reluctant anticipation.

Why was the lift broken again?  As the thought swirled round in his mind, he read the second line of the email.  “The lift engineer will be out this afternoon to fix this”.  Yeah, right, when pigs fly!  The lift engineer had never turned up on time before.  To suggest otherwise was madness! 

As this thought occurred to Jeff, the further thought occurred that other people in the office would be as despairing as he at the current circumstances.  Jeff immediately formulated a joke in his mind.  Going with his ‘when pigs fly’ branch of thought, why not reply to the email with a picture of a flying pig!?  Everyone would get that!  Their exasperation would be relieved by his mirthful response, and he would be hailed an office hero!  This narcissistic thought spread to his fingers as he grabbed his mouse and keyboard, and searched for a picture of a flying pig online.

Babe:  Pig In The Fuckin' Sky!

With the relevant picture found, Jeff nimbly inserted the picture into an email and fired it off.  He looked at his system clock, less than two minutes since the original email was received and he’d already fired off a witty barb of magnificent quality.  Surely the lady on reception would feel compelled to honour his fine comedy with a naked scarf dance.

As Jeff sat back in his chair in smug satisfaction, he suddenly noticed that another new email had been received.  Upon clicking on the icon, he was mortified to see six new emails had actually been received, all relating to the lift email, all containing their own jokes and all sent quicker than his!  How could this happen?  He clicked on the first one, a picture of hell frozen over.  Dammit!  Why didn’t he think of that?  He glanced over the office floor at the sender, Clive from accounts.  Clive smirked back with a knowing “beat you to it” glance.  How could an accountant be funnier than he was?

There was no alternative.  Jeff needed to come up with a funny response to Clive’s email, something that would dwarf Clive’s attempt at humour and divert all the attention back to Jeff.  Scrambling to open Paint as fast as he could, Jeff imported Clive’s picture of a frozen hell, and then copied in his flying pig, thus combining both jokes into a mashed up uber joke.  This was surely on the cutting edge of comic capability.  Had such a combination ever been attempted?  Jeff was about to find out as he clicked send, then peered over his divider at Clive to witness his response.

Sexy vintage clipart

 Within minutes, the office had erupted in a flurry of hastily sent emails.  The majority of the office angrily firing electronic japes back and forth with searing intensity.  Hundreds of emails began to flood their screens, several conversation strands emerged, diverting, twisting and turning in an ever-expanding maze of poorly related humour.  No one was laughing.  There was no time to laugh during this cycle of relentless wit.

Meanwhile, a lonely office worker in the corner sits helpless as his screen fills up with a barrage of utter garbage.  This is the third time this week that the office has descended into this kind of unrepentant shittery.  He slips his hand in his pocket, pulls out his letter of resignation, and begins the work across the office floor towards the boss’s office.

A Special Announcement

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.  I come to you today with a special announcement.

For those of you who have been wondering if I've died, no I have not.  In fact, I have been extraordinarily busy preparing something special for you.  Please listen to the announcement below:

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For those of you without ears or speakers, I am pleased to announce the Muppets For Justice podcast, starting very soon!  This will be a mini series of episodes, packed to the gills with hopefully funny sketches.

Although a firm release date has not yet been established, I can say that episode 1 will arrive within the next 2 weeks.  My aim is for all other episodes to follow on weekly from then.  As soon as I have more news, I'll let you know.  Until then, stay slinky!