Friday, 30 January 2009

Stars Of MySpace #1

As I'm sure you'll already be aware, MySpace as a social networking website is much more than just pictures of teenage girls taken at flattering angles, along with barely legible descriptions about "bein randum!" and stuff. MySpace also offers you a wide dearth of undiscovered musical talent of all genres and varieties. This feature intends to delve into the wealth of MySpace bands and artists, separating the wheat from the crusted horse droppings, so as to inform you, the reader, of what you should to listening to (because we all know you're too daft to figure it out on your own).

Tila Tequila - (link)

Tila is the teeny little tartlet at the centre of today's Stars Of MySpace. Alright, so Tila Tequila is hardly a Star Of MySpace anymore. She's bigger than that! Apparently, upon minimal research, it turns out she's a matchstick sized stripper who wishes for a successful music career to add to her list of talents (others of which include standing around nude and having "attitude"). For those not familiar with tiny Tila, here's an excerpt from her profile description:

"i like people who are really fucked up. I mean like tormented in one way or another because then i won't feel like such a freak around those that are "normal." nerds, geeks, and freaks are all my friends. Cool people are pretty damn lame. I am very high strung and suffer from multiple personalities."

So all you balanced people better go and fall off the see-saw of sanity if you want to befriend Miss Tequila. She strikes me as one of those women who fall in love with serial killers and notorious criminals and send them love letters in prison. I suppose she would strike up a love affair with Ian Huntley, given the chance. Anyway, enough about the woman, we all want to know about the music!

May I be the first to say that Tila Tequila's music is profound beyond belief considering it's been made for a porn actress, as reflected in songs such as Straight Up. Sure, it might sound like someone vomiting into a bag of gravel and inserting the word "fuck" into every sentence, but I'm sure that's just to disguise its deeper hidden meaning, that I'm too obviously too stupid to understand.

This song sounds like any piss poor metal band, but sped up to speeds that would rival Dragonforce on laxative pills. The song also includes the squealings of an unknown male contributor, but I'll be damned if he's consequential enough to catch a word of what he says. Tila is the star of the show, so he's obviously tried to make himself sound incomprehensible so as not to steal the tartlet's spotlight. It's a tactical decision, I'm sure.

Not to seem like a one trick pony, horse, donkey, or any sort of equine entity, Tila has some kind of RnB ballad named Paralyze, with a backing track produced on a child's Casio keyboard that still manages to overpower Tila's voice. Don't mistake that for Tila having about as much singing talent as a rat with laryngitis; she's simply trying to convey her emotions in a subtle manner. That or she's trying to get in the role of being Paralyzed as the name of the track suggests by refusing to move her collagen-infused lips as she emotes. There's also a small rap thrown in for good measure too!

The best song has to be Stripper Friends. This is a vocoded horror show to rival anything that Madonna has ever shat out. My personal favourite lyric would be "All my stripper friends, all my ex boyfriends, we all want the same thing" Yes. Lyrics that don't follow the music in any coherent fashion, obviously.

Other songs include such mature gems as "Drunken Song I Wrote" (it was rather fortuitous that Tila was near a recording studio when she was drunk), and a nonsensical cover of No Woman No Cry that is pretty much whispered into the microphone from a distance throughout.

Judging from the comments she's received on her MySpace page, many other people are interested in Tila as a musician, and believe she offers a lot of depth and originality to the musical community:

Anni - You are HOT!
Billy - you r wit out a dout the hottes female on the planet
The Wolf - =)
Elfe - aaaaaaaahw, tila you are as hot as hell! *-*
EMPOWER RECORDS - Just coming through beautiful to show your page some amor.
Geraldine Craig - Yeah, cutie!

As you can see, the general public are in awe of her musical prowess and certainly don't see her as some edgy version of Avril Lavigne who can't quite settle on one style of music. Pop, Rap, RnB, Metal, Screeching, she's a mistress of it all, and those who doubt her integrity can go and pleasure themselves to her 4ft frame and ballooned bosoms. Tila may be bigger than MySpace, but she's certainly a star of it.


  1. Nice post. Glad that someone is pointing out the ridiculous concept of untalented people thinking that actually DO have talent because assorted losers/weirdos/teenagers tell them they have on Myspace :)

    Good work sir!

  2. Is she saying geeks are fucked up? We are most certanly not fucked up! We only use the word Tequila as a screen-name and only dress in our underwear and perform terrible music when at media conventions! *shakes fist*


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