Tuesday, 20 January 2009

Who You Should Hate In 2009

Everyone has already done their big lists for 2009, so yes, I'm a little late to the table. However, considering that Muppets For Justice has only just risen from the dead like a cliché-riddled Phoenix, here is my paltry effort at a new year's countdown list.

The people below are celebrities who have gone the extra mile in 2008 for being a mixture of tedious, banal, and generally shit, and they are people who we'd like to see much less of in 2009. Bear in mind that this not a definitive list of shitties, as our popular culture is riddled with them. Consider it as more of a "special honours" list, for those who really pushed the boat out and pissed me off.

Phillip Schofield

If you were to take a blade to Phillip Schofield, I'm pretty sure that pure, undiluted evil would run freely from his veins. This man may not be solely responsible for the horrors of daytime, but he is certainly one of the main perpetrators. He and his weight-fluctuating bastion of banallity, Ferne Britton were already in poor standing at the start of this year due to their relentless shittery on This Morning, but then they were both chosen to to host an even more watered down version of that aging gameshow, Mr and Mrs. This show gets worse every time they bring it back, and it suffers even more when they put it on at primetime on a Saturday night. Nobody really cares if someone's wife farts whilst doing the dishes, or if someone's husband has a nasty habit of picking his ears with a fishfork.

It's sad to think that Phillip Schofield used to entertain children with a small gopher, and now people throw money at him to host nothing but phone-ins. Phil has probably milked more money out of the general public than a squadron of debt collectors, which wouldn't be so bad if the money wasn't wasted on making even more programs about even more talentless celebrities slipping around on an ice rink. Yes, Dancing On Ice is yet another tapeworm to add to Schofield's colon of crappy television shows. If you're not convinced that you should dislike him yet, take a look at his photo. How old is he exactly? He looks young, but has prematurely aged and got himself a granddad tan. The popular theory is that he sold his youth in exchange for a longer TV career.

Piers Morgan

Piers deserves a standing ovation and a lifetime achievement award for being a complete cuntweasel. These days, he masquerades as one of the judges on Britain's Got Talent (which is annoying enough to deserve a mention), but not all that long ago, he was the editor of the Daily Mirror, a newspaper which dedicated itself to making up rumours and lies about people in the limelight and was famous for the misinformation printed within. After many years pursuing this course of action until his sacking in 2004, he then branched out into television, and will soon be making his own documentaries about his holidays to extravagant places around the world, which is contemptible enough in my vision.

However, what really adds the final clagnut to the steaming turd that is Piers is his incessant arguments and clashes with other, more talented celebrities. First of all, his hate campaign against Ian Hislop was laughable. Even though Ian Hislop himself may be about as funny as third world debt, he still outshines Piers since Hislop doesn't use his publication to childishly insult people he doesn't like by calling them "gnomes".

Then there's the clash with Clarkson that was highly publicised, but worst of all, Piers had the audacity to call out Johnathan Ross over the Manuelgate scandal. Honestly Piers, the hypocrisy of your mock outrage was unbearable. Does making fun of famous people in the media offend you Piers? Then why have you made a living out of the very same thing for almost a decade, you contradictory sack of shite? Also, he is solely responsible for Paul Burrell, which leads me nicely on to...

Paul Burrell

This is a man who is famous purely for making tea. Paul Burrell was a butler to Princess Diana before her death in 1997, and we haven't stopped hearing about it since. Paul has successfully made a career out of a carcrash, which I suppose could be considered as an achievement if he was little more coy about his plan to milk the papers for all they're worth and spill every last detail about the Royals. It seems that every couple of weeks, even now, there is a headline or television show entitled "Paul Burrell: My Story", "The Truth By Paul Burrell", "The REAL Truth About My Story", or "Oh Sorry, Here's Some Bits I Missed Out Of My Definitive Truth".

Paul became ten times more detestable when he started appearing on reality TV shows like Celebrity Love Jungle or whatever the hell he was on. Surely I don't need to describe the types of insipid, vacuous "celebrities" that appear on those shows, do I?

Cheryl Cole

Cheryl is possibly the only person in the world to capitalise on being cheated on by her husband. As soon as the story broke, moronic council estate fashionistas rallied around as a women united front, braying for the blood of the bloke who "done dat cheatin' ", whilst also gathering enough stray timber, fallen from the wooden support struts of their dilapidated dwellings, to build a 100ft monument to goddess Cheryl.

Alright, the previous statement may have been riddled with hyperbole, but Cheryl's ascent from Blank Canvas In The Back Of A Pop Group to Talent Judge And Fashion Icon Extraordinaire during 2008 has felt like the second coming of [insert prophet/religious icon/favourite dinosaur here].

Still, at least she provides a frame for fashion designers to hang clothes upon, giving her more in common with a coathanger than a human being.

And there you go. A lovely list of less-than-lovely people. Join us next year when I list my least favourite ice cream flavours in order of the amount of bugs that landed on them.

Benji Returns

After I, I mean, the bank offended Benji the hoodie scammer last time, I figured that the Benji saga may be well and truly over. I decided to put this to bed once and for all:

16 January at 16:16

why did you turn weird and start accusing me of horrible things? i just thought you would like to make some money for your charity but i guess i was wrong!

17 January at 9:53

I'm really sorry Benji, it was the bank, not me! They claimed to have a file of all your sins and they started telling me everything!

In retrospect, I might have accidentally rang your local church, have you taken confession lately?

17 January at 10:39

just tell me if you are serious or not about this so i can stop wasting my time with you.

17 January at 11:12

Benji, you are an untrusting fellow. Of course I want to be a part of your wonderful scheme to turn mere pennies into gold! I've already set up at least seven direct debits to send you all my savings so you can get this project started. That's where you were going with this, right?

Oh wait, I forgot, I'm not serious at all. You can piss off now, unless you've got another way for me to make tiny fractions of money by promoting completely unrelated goods and services on my group that nobody is going to want.

Looking forward to hearing from you


And that was the last I ever heard from Benji. The last I heard, he made a hoody about how much he hates me and used it to hang himself in his basement, but chances are I made that up.


  1. As I take all of your words as raw nuggets of precious factonium Addman, I feel that I must express my serious concern here: Benji is dead! You indirectly killed him Addman! And the police will know, the sweater has your name on it!

    I wish you all the best in outrunning the law Addman (or failing that, I hope that they have good internet service in jail so that Muppets for Justice doesn't suffer for your crimes).


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