Fort takes your relationship woes.

So as soon as people hear of a new blog on the ENERNET, next thing I know we're over swamped with E-mails and letters berating relationship woes and whatnot. Well not being one to ignore an E-mail, here is Fort's advice for all your problem needs.

Dear M for P,

I am a happily married man of 5 years, but recently my wife has been acting strangely. She gets rather in "the mood" after watching The Muppets, and her fixation with our child's "Tickle-me-Elmo" doll is bordering on unhealthy. Being a blog on muppets, could you help?

Yours sincerely,
Mike Keats Anything

Have no fear Mr. Anything, it's rather simple, you're a boring, depressing guy to be around and your wife is moving onto greener pastures. But! There is hope yet. I suggest covering yourself in glue, rolling around in blue fur and sticking a prosthetic hand up your bottom, if this doesn't drive your wife wild I don't know what will!

hey, im in a bit of trouble with my girlfriend cos she doesnt want to commit to a relationship cos she says shes not ready after a breakup with her ex. i am frustrated what should i do?

Well friend, the way to a woman's heart is through the sinewy flesh above her upper abdomen. Grow a dashing twirly moustache, hold a knife to her gullet and get a corrupt priest to marry you both as you twiddle your facial hair in a dastardly way. Don't worry, if my calculations are correct she'll be fainting most of the time!

Hey Muppets for Justice!

My name is Chastity Beldt and my problem is that my current boyfriend doesn't want to open up. I mean, it's long term, he's supposed to propose soon, but he always has this cold attitude, he never tells me how he's feeling and I feel so distant from him.
How can we be more open to each other?

Hey Chastity, he's "supposed to propose to you soon?" Your problem is you're a crazy lady and your craziness is turning him away from you. Do you own cats? If you own more that two cats I believe that he may not be opening up:
A) He's dead.
B) You're his stalker.

If you own less that two cats then clearly his unresponsiveness is due to the fact that:
A) He is a macho-man. So macho he doesn't open up because he is too macho for sissy things like woman-talk.
B) He was molested as a child.


Take the above points to heart as you question his personality. Does he wear a loincloth? Does he look like a mountee? Does he have a fear of old men with a twinkle in their eye? Have you only ever seen your love through his bedroom window? Once you understand this, you're sooner to understanding you're in a soulless relationship.

Thanks for the E-mails people, post back in soon with more of your embarrassing personal details!

Fort.