Monday, 5 September 2011

Just Give Me 24 Hours

Television, bloody television! As many channels as you can wave a handheld infrared device at, and absolutely nothing to watch.

One of my many idle fantasies is to own my very own television station. Can you imagine the wonders of having your very own channel dedicated to your own tastes and whims? Mine would probably just repeat old comedy shows ad nauseum and everyone else would be bored brainless (like Dave, but without as much Top Gear). However, I wondered if I could think of enough original programming to make this justifiable.  I've drawn up a schedule of what an entire station would look like if I was given free reign for a whole 24 hours:

5:00AM - 9:00AM: Jovial Morning Happytime

Easy, light entertainment breakfast time show with inane banter and cutesy morning stories about kittens and shopping. This will be interspersed with images of gnarled, knuckleheaded horror masks propped up in abandoned warehouses, which will flash on the screen sporadically at random intervals. If this doesn’t wake you in the morning, nothing will.

9:00AM - 10:00AM: Slumquest

Obnoxious, sanctimonious talk show in which council estates are ravaged for participants, who are then dragged into a TV studio and forced to air their problems over a heated debate and an inevitable lie detector test.  If used a barometer for how well your life is going, you'll always great in comparison to these people.  Even a bluebottle slowly drowning in a pint of sick feel better about its existence after watching this.

10:00AM - 12:00PM: Homies Under the Hammer

Two back to back episodes of a Pimp My Ride and Relocation crossover.  Two urban families go head to head to see how much they can increase their property value through adding racing stripes, blue neon lighting, and a massive speaker system in the garage.

12:00PM -12:30PM:  Lunchtime News

Standard news bulletin, apart from an expert is bought into each story who declares "Now is the time to panic!"

12:30PM - 1:30PM:  Come Whine With Me

Four vaguely recognizable middle aged women sit around and slag off their husbands for an hour.  At the end of the show, the viewer is rewarded by seeing them being rolled up into carpets and thrown off the tallest nearby tower block.

1:30PM - 5:00PM:  Children's TV

Children deserve more TV.  And not that moralistic crap they often get fed.  I'm talking about anarchic, yet hilarious programming that doesn't talk down to children and strives to entertain rather than be preoccupied about teaching them lessons on life.  Failing that, run repeats of Cow and Chicken, Ren and Stimpy, and Earthworm Jim.

5:00PM - 6:00PM:  Tea Time: LIVE

Interactive quiz show in which the host asks viewers at home to text or ring in with what they are having for their tea, then berates them on their poor choices.  He also asks recipe related questions and becomes unreasonably angry if anyone uses a microwave.

6:00PM - 7:00PM:  Evening News

Longer news bulletin which is much more serious.  All presenters must have furrowed brows deep enough to irrigate crops.

7:00PM - 8:00PM - EURGH!  IS THAT A WART!?

Dr Chiseled McGorgeous presents this makeover show where hapless uglies are given £5000 and the name of a good plastic surgeon.  If their appearance has not dramatically improved in seven days, they are stripped naked in front of a mirror and laughed at until their body confidence improves.

8:00PM - 9:00PM - Sex Before The Watershed

Documentary aimed at empowering people through being naked masquerades as an enlightening look at body issues, but serves as little more than an opportunity to gratuitously gawp at naked people.

9:00PM - 10:00PM - Sex After The Watershed

Same show, but with more swearing and the occasional full frontal shot.

10:00PM - 11:00PM - Don't Snog, Marry, Or Start Living Off The Bride's Mum

Hilarious expose of cossetted teenagers and how woefully inept they are at simple tasks.  A sample collection of young idiots are removed from their parents for the first time, then put into a house where they are expected to get along flawlessly.  A voice is boomed into the house which mercilessly mocks them for every mistake they make, and also tries to persuade them to dress more appropriately.  The parents get to vote off the weakest members of the house, and the final two are forced to marry each other at the end.

11:00PM - 12:00AM - Animated Comedy

Two episodes of a new cartoon by Seth Macfarlane, or the writers of friends.

12:00AM - 5:00AM - Closedown

That's it.  The channel has effectively shut it's doors for the evening.  The next five hours are to be filled with elevator music, and a rolling slide show showing the network staff's holiday photos.  For extra fun, celebrities have been photoshopped into the background of each one so viewers have to find them and guess who they are.  If you find the celeb, you are encouraged to text in, where your message will be displayed on a news ticker across the bottom

Good, wholesome, family fun all round, I think.  Every demographic has been catered for, so advertising revenue would be through the roof.  Only, any Go Compare adverts would be instantly banned.  If only dreams came true...

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