I have a confession to make. I love rolling news channels. I love the sense of gravitas bought to every titbit of news as though it is epoch-shattering, life-ending information. Every time I see the banner "BREAKING NEWS", I read between the lines and a tiny television executive in my head screams "PLEASE DON'T STOP WATCHING!".
Why does everything have to be BREAKING NEWS anyway? I'd like to see a bit more variety in the form of more specialised headlines. This would surely keep viewers more entertained and engaged than boring old BREAKING NEWS everywhere. Here are a few ideas that those folks in Tellyland can keep, for free!
BRAKING NEWS - News about the auto mobile industry or traffic incidents
RAKING NEWS - Weekly gardening feature presented by Alan Titchmarsh and Charlie Dimmock's breasts.
SHAKING NEWS - News relevant to those suffering from Parkinson's Disease.
BREAKING PEWS - News relating to civil disorders inside religious buildings.
FAKING NEWS - For stories which haven't been verified yet (would mainly be used on Sky News).
MAKING POOS - For when rioters do a dirty protest, or celebrity drunks shame themselves in public.
BAITING MOOS - News relating to widespread outbreaks of cow tipping.
DRINKING BOOZE - To be used for celebrity alcoholism stories, or when the news anchor goes mental due to the terrifying incidents he has to witness on a daily basis, and finds solace in the bottle.
This is so much fun that it'd be rude to hog it all for myself. Go ahead, I encourage you come up with your own taglines.
Since this post was a little shorter than usual, here's some bonus content. Here is my new favourite chocolate bar: