Monday, 29 August 2011

Digital Fame

The digital switchover is here! If you live in an area surrounded by a channel Five reflecting force field like me, then that means all you need to do it retune your set, and you’ll have caught up with the rest of the English speaking world!

The last time I saw Five was back in the days when it was the go to channel for soft core porn and sharks. I wondered if anything had changed (no porn or sharks anymore), so in my curiosity, I ended up watching an episode of everyone’s favourite camera-laden fame pit, Celebrity Big Brother.

The ‘Celebrity’ moniker was always a loose one when it was on Channel 4, but I’ll be damned if I could name more than three housemates this year. The rest I had to look up on Wikipedia, a decision I came to promptly regret. These people are easier to hate than the Klu Klux Klan after an annual puppy-skinning contest. Here’s a list of the housemates, along with irresponsible, knee-jerk opinions on the whole bally lot of them:

Jedward – The human equivalent of two erect penises balancing Dairylea triangles. In spite of this, Jedward are still the most likeable housemates so far, and at this stage are my hot tip to win the whole thing. What does intrigue me is if the producers will let us vote off either John or Edward separately, which would cause a hilarious inferiority complex in the twin who gets voted off first. Either way, neither of them have any personality, but come across as childish and naïve enough to pull it off. Vote Jedward!

Tara Reid – Wearing the constant expression of a seal watching her own pups being clubbed into a pulp, Tara should be the dullest person in the house. After a short row over food, Tara began to cry because she could ‘feel trouble brewing’ in the house. In honour of her future-sensing abilities, native Indians have christened her ‘Shitting Bull’. Despite this, her expression of wild confusion whilst watching Essex dullard Amy liberally applying Ronseal to her body was amusing, and that is the only reason to keep her in. For now.

Kerry Katona – From what I’ve seen, this ex-fish finger saleswoman does nothing but sit around looking depressed. The only time she said anything was when she performed a chilling rendition of eating her own children (“Awwww om nom nom nom”). Perhaps since the lucrative frozen food deals have fallen through, this is what she has been reduced to; giving birth just for something to eat. So far, she seems utterly boring.

Sally Bercow – The hardest housemate to judge so far, but she seems to be the most intelligent, although that’s a glittering achievement on par with being the largest chunk of corn in the turd. Sally seems difficult to dislike, but it turns out that she’s an MP (or has been caught fornicating with an MP), so there’s no chance of her winning. Back another horse instead.

Amy Childs – Amy is a failed Jordan prototype who has done little apart from apply fake tan, have a fake wedding with Jedward, and apply more fake tan. She describes fake tan application as the most popular pastime in Essex, and she genuinely believes this to be the sport of queens. Amy is dull beyond belief and is probably the least deserving member of the house considering her claim to celebrity is an appearance in The Only Way Is Essex.

Pamela Bach-Hasslehoff – Primarily known as The Hoff’s ex-wife, Mrs Hasslehoff resembles a fire damaged La Toya Jackson waxwork. Quite what Sir David of TightTrunks saw in her, and what she saw in him (they probably crashed into each other while drink driving) remains a mystery. Pamela has so far managed to cause a row about her choice of food dressing, and has devoured the soul of every living creature in a ten mile radius. Watching her is like watching The Ring in eerie silence, when suddenly the main characters stop what they’re doing, stare into the screen, and slowly start to masturbate at you. I don’t know how much of her I can stand, but I suspect I’ll be dead within seven days anyway.

Bobby Sabel – Bobby looks like Bear Grylls trying to survive a Covent Garden coffee shop. As a rule I dislike male models on principle, but this is probably down to innate jealousy. I resemble a chewed lego man left out in the sun. However, Bobby just grates on me like a barbed wire oven glove. He swaggers around as though he’s too good to be there, which, even though no one deserves to be in there, instantly makes him appear big headed and spoilt. He undoubtedly makes women’s ovaries clang together whenever he appears on screen, but his whining will soon erode any goodwill shown towards him and he’ll be out.

Paddy Doherty – Paddy shot to fame by appearing on Big Fat Gypsy Weddings and comes across as The Don of all Pikeys. The man has had a bare-knuckle boxing career and looks like an extra in a Ross Kemp documentary on ‘Britain’s Hardest Public Loos’, yet he seems to be an amiable sort. By that I mean he hasn’t upended a table and bent Jedward into balloon animals yet. Apart from that, there’s nothing to say about him.

Lucian Laviscount – The best description of him would be ‘Lewis Hamilton, The Work Experience Years’. Lucian is so bland that I instantly forgot he was in there as soon as he wasn’t on screen. On at least three occasions when he wandered into shot, I thought he was a new housemate I hadn’t seen before.

Darryn Lyons – Congratulations Big Brother! You’ve found someone who I can detest more than Piers Morgan! Darryn’s Wikipedia entry simply describes him as ‘Paparazzo’, and it turns out that he’s the man responsible for Rebecca Loos! And if that isn’t reason enough to vote him off, just look at him. The man has had a six pack grafted onto to his mountainous glut, which makes his torso resemble an aerial shot of turtles rutting on a beach. Top that off with his pink Mohawk which makes him look like a rebellious Snorlax and you've got a combination to persuade anyone to kill themselves. If there is a God, he’ll take Paddy Doherty’s luxuries and hide them amongst Darryl’s things. Then he’ll hand Paddy a cricket bat whisper the words “You know what to do”.

So yes, I’ve written a whole piece about how much I hate Big Brother. Will I tune in again? I’d say it’s more than likely. I’ll be interested to see if my predictions come true (victory for Jedward). I won’t be watching it ironically either as I am an ocular sadomasochist, so this is like Disneyland for me.

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