Friday, 26 August 2011

Much Adele About Nothing

There are many unexplained phenomena in the world. The Bermuda Triangle, Area 51, and the weird scrolling barcode that appears on TV just before an advert break. However, I want to focus on the most baffling of modern mysteries; the continued success of Adele.

For those not in the know, here is a 6 minute inspirational video on what you're thankfully missing out on. Adele has assaulted the ears of the British for a couple of years now, but her latest album was at number one for 11 weeks earlier this year. A remarkable feat for someone who sounds like a teenage boy trapped down a well.

Just what are the definable qualities that make her so unbearable? The ineptitude of her voice is a large contributing factor, making her sound like she's on a motion simulator with her mouth full. This is especially awful when you couple it with a ballad that would make even Chris Martin feel a little embarrassed at such maudlin tones. Multiply this with her inability to articulate and you've got yourself a stinker in the works. Her diction is about as clear as Stig Of The Dump's bathwater.

Adele is a graduate of the BRIT school academy; a building dedicated to laying siege to the music industry with their diabolical weapons of mass shit. Previous Alumni of BRIT school include Jessie J (speaks out against capitalism, then wears designer gear), Kate Nash (sounds like she's dislocated her jaw), Leona Lewis (didn't she win X Factor? Strange...), and Dane Bowers (do you really need me to come up with a reason to dislike him?). You'd think this would be enough to get the school closed down, but it must generate a lot of money off of the back of these people.

Considering how successful she's been, someone out there must like her. Critics have been climbing over each other to finger her for a job well done, but then, critics have been a bit starved of decent music lately. There's only so many times you can report on Lady Gaga's clothing before you have to actually write about some music for a change, and decent music is rather thin on the ground at the moment. Since she's flavour of the month right now, most of those critics will be lining up to shit on her shoes by the time her third album is out, as they'll surely be taken with the latest BRIT school graduate that's been popped out in time for Christmas. To say that she's peaked at 23 would be a bit premature, which is a lower career expectancy than a footballer with a sponsorship deal with Nandos.

If it were only the critics hailing her as the second coming of Jesus Lennon, I'd understand. However, there seems to be several members of the public who have got on board with Adele. Here are some of the comments from the YouTube clip posted earlier on:

"what a powerful woman! i hope she never looses weight.." - Yeah. In the same way that Samson looses his power he has a hair cut, Adele would be destroyed if you gave her a gastric band.

"hilarious  adelle //.. stunning voice" - Hilarious? This is no laughing matter! People are buying this!

"Adele is just... so, amazing. Everytime I listen to her songs I get the chills." - Same here. The same chills I get when I watch The Ring.

"She's so beautiful and so talented. I can't believe people can't see past her weight" - It's strange that only her fans ever seem to mention her weight at all. Even the trolls don't bring it up.

For a woman who sings about wanting to chase down slabs of concrete underfoot, it's hard to criticise her for her success. Regardless, I'll give it a good try: piss off back to your finishing school for berks you soulless sack of flesh.

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