I Predict A Predictable Title (Or A Riot)

Isn't nostalgia great? Conservative governments and riots go together like crackers and cheese, or Torvil and Dean. Considering the Tories have been in power for over 12 months, it was only a matter of time before the anarchists took to the streets once again for a sell out reunion tour of the capital's boroughs.

Only this time, it's not anarchists. It's not disillusioned masses trying to smash the system or stick it to the regime. It's a few chavs trying to get their hands on a new phone.

This violence originally stemmed from a peaceful protest against the police shooting of a young man named Mark Duggan. By the second day, Mark had turned out to be the most popular man in London as thousands of his best mates took to the streets to steal bikes from Halfords, possibly to make themselves feel better about his demise. Either that, or this is all a big excuse to get a new mobile phone.

At the time of writing the looting has spread to the North, including the centre of Birmingham, a Selfridges in Manchester, and someone did a shit on a scarecrow in the Lake District. Hundreds of rioters have been arrested and not a single one of these people have attacked a government building, bank, or regimental institution (excluding Nottingham where they firebombed a cop shop). Not that I'm saying their actions would only be excusable if they turned parliament into a blazing inferno, but it's obvious that these people care more about having an iPad than pushing for political change. Although the experience must have been an eye-opening, monocle-shattering occasion for Britain's elite, I doubt they would feel that unsettled by the destruction of a copy centre.

The most illuminating moment of rioting has to be when looters raided the ticket office for Tottenham Hotspur FC. This tells you everything you know about the people involved, especially as only the ticket office was attacked rather than the rest of the grounds or stadium.

This YouTube video shows the local T Mobile store after the looting. Now if only they could find a way to loot some credit they'll be on easy street. As for robbing Vision Express, surely stealing lens that aren't prescribed to you is about as much use as running down the high street to loot some prosthetic limbs.

Anyway, I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that MPs have returned from their summer break to solve this problems, and not a moment too soon! Except for the fact that the rioters have now become bored and don't fancy stealing fancy new clothes in the rain.