Friday, 9 September 2011

Tory Hatemail

Today, I am pleased to announce that Muppets For Justice has seen a recent surge in popularity!  Huzzah!  So why has this blog been getting more hits lately?  Is it to do with the elegant writing style, or the unique witticisms?  No.  It seems that the recent spike in traffic is to do with the fact that Tories have taken it upon themselves to criticise me. 

A few weeks ago I wrote a rather antagonistic piece with a rather rude title.  This also included a few childish insults against the UK government which were immature, but good fun to write.  Anyway, the piece has attracted a few comments from Cameron supporters, and they've sent me a few emails about it too.  I thought I'd take a moment to respond to those people who took time out of their busy schedules to communicate with me:

Anonymous said...
so how do you think we should treat criminals in this country? i suppose you think we should just let them off!

Thank you for this wonderfully punctuated response.  No, I don't think criminals should be let off, but I expect them to be treated appropriately for the crimes they've committed.  I don't expect someone who steals a bottle of Lucozade to end up in prison longer than someone guilty of child sex offences.  I'm such a softy!

Joshy said...
What's all this lower class snobbery about serfs tears and fox hunting? Narrow minded insults such as these take a lot away from your article, and while I don't agree with it, I don't think you have managed to get your point across either. You sound angry at the establishment. Is this because you are one of these particular youths?

Good point, but you're wrong about one thing.  I'm 25 now, so according to the Census forms, I'm in a completely different age bracket.  This gives me the legal right to sneer at teenagers because, hahaha, they're all spotty and angry, right?  As for the other point, you're completely correct.  It's a good job I write a comedy blog and not for Newsnight then.

Anonymous said...
The riots were nothing to do with the government. they were to do with kids wanting new shoes and watches. dont beleve everything you read.

I'm so glad you got in touch just to tell me something which I wrote about all of two weeks ago.  Would you like a job on our writing team?  We can only pay you in smacks-round-the-head-with-a-shoe, but the work is rewarding enough.  Now, on to the emails:

Ben Jameson
Don't be ignorant!  Things wouldn't be any better under a labor government!  Ed 'spineless' Miliband doesn't do anything and just complains about everything.  Only a stupid fuck would support him and he doesn't have any ideas of his own.

Marvellous response here.  So, just because I didn't slag off Ed Milliband you automatically assume I'm a supporter?  If you had more than a slender grip on politics, you'd understand that there are more than two political parties to support.

Lyle King

I wanted to point out in your David Cameron story that you've left out a crucial piece of information.  The riots started because of the brutality of the police when they murdered yet another black youth in London and failed to follow it up with any kind of investigation.  If the police are not going to investigate instances of fatal force, then who can we rely on?

Lyle (I hope that's a fake name), I think me and you could get on like a Lidl on fire.  Indeed, Mark Duggan's death was the spark that started it all.  Let's not forget Operation Trident, a police initiative designed to reach out to the black community about guns and violence, but has been involved in a number of unexplained deaths.  Alright, Lyle's message wasn't hatemail, but I wanted to include it to show that at least not all comments I get are hateful.

If anyone knows where I can get a Tory Filter from, please let me know.


Bonus content:

Do you want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?  Click here and wonder what they put in the water in Detroit.  This is the results of an unholy union betwixt Jack White and Insane Clown Posse.  This unlikely matchup (coupled with the even more unlikely sampling of Mozart) has produced the most turgid piece of music I have heard for ages, and I recently listened to the death rattle of a howler monkey in a cement mixer.

The track samples the forgotten Mozart classic "Lech Mich Im Arsch" (you won't need a translator, trust me.  It means exactly what you think it means), but features everyone's favourite dynamic dunces, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J doing what they do best.  Actually, what they do best is dribble and look in astonishment at magnets, but they attempt to rap and admit "I don't know shit about Mozart".  I know I say this everyday, but if this isn't a surefire signal of the looming apocalypse, I don't know what is.

I had a near death experience, and it looked like this.

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